This has been a rough week for me emotionally... and as I'm writing this I realized my eating habits have tanked along with my emotions (plus I started my cycle). I guess it's best to get this all over with at the same time... right?!?
We have been visiting a church called Redeemer Denton for about two months. My heart says to jump all in - become members, serve, join Bible studies, support them financially, etc. I'm in love... but also strongly feel this is where the Lord wants us right now.
Kenny does not feel the same way.
At all.
It's written all over his face, shows through his body language, and even in his words when others ask about it. It's so obvious (and awkward!) that he's not in love.
And yet we continue to go.
There have been churches where after one visit he refused to go back. So I'm thankful that hasn't been his response with Redeemer.
But it also leaves me feeling so confused.
He acts like a robot when we go... like it's an obligation he has to do to fulfill his Christian duties. To be honest, it hurts.
I know he's swamped right now with work and I can't imagine the burden of having to provide for a family. This may just be a season where all he can do work and he's trusting me with the rest - disciplining the children, choosing the church, planning our weekends, etc.
I'm grateful he trusts me enough to let me lead... but it's a weight I don't want to carry.
So I've nagged, and begged, and pleaded, and talked (and talked and talked and talked) about the confirmations I feel the Lord has shown me. I *thought* I was doing good by sharing with Kenny what the Lord was showing me. I *thought* there was no way that could be considered "nagging" because it was from God. I wanted to be the Holy Spirit... I wanted God to need me to change Kenny's heart.
Wrong.
I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. And God doesn't need me to do anything.
All I've managed to do is shut Kenny down and push him further and further away from the church.
Oh how my heart aches over my wrong doing. I've had a pit in my stomach all week. I wish so badly to go back and change my actions. But all I can do is repent and trust the Lord with how this situation will play out... in His perfect timing!
We had a long, but really good talk about it earlier this week. Kenny feels that if we're arguing so much about becoming members, it must not be the right time. This means we have to wait 6 more months before the next membership class. I'm fine waiting, if that's what the Lord wants. I'm fine leaving the church, if that's what He says. I'm fine not going to church at all... if God confirms that. I just want Kenny to seek His face!! If I have to submit, I want him to lead! Why is that so difficult?!?!?!
I'm thankful that he has been blessed with so much work. But I just don't feel like the Lord would want Kenny to take on so many jobs that he can't lead us well and spend time in prayer. Let me add that he *does* lead us well. He is a great husband and father... very protective and hard working and trusts the Lord no matter what. He is my deeply rooted man of faith! I think I've just been to focused on the speck in his eye that I haven't seen the plank in my own.
I think the Lord has tried to teach me this lesson a million times. Oh how I am so like the Israelites. But our verse for this year is "how long will you put off...?" Looks like now is the time for battle... and the Lord has promised victory!!
(P.S. I love how He has shown me this applies to more areas than just my attachment with Joshua.)
Lord this is so so hard! Waiting on You but wanting to do and say so much in the meantime. Help me with my impatience. Help me to find You and see Your hand even in the waiting. Search my heart and show me my own plank... what can I be working on in the meantime? I'm so sorry Lord for nagging instead of patiently waiting on You. I don't want to be like the Israelites any more. Help me change! Show me how to be supportive, trusting, and encouraging to Kenny. Thank You for victory in this area.
Thank You for a husband who knows his calling well. Thank You that I've never had to ask him to provide. Thank You for his faith and strong foundation.
