climbing mount everest

I feel like I'm at the foot of Mt. Everest.  Like we're beginning a long, uphill battle.  But instead of having the proper training, education, and physical ability, I'm uninformed, overwhelmed, and physically weak. The only thing I know for sure is God is on our side and He WILL fight on our behalf! I've seen it before... I've physically seen Him move mountains and do the impossible! It brings tears to my eyes remembering how capable He is when all hope seems lost. I'm clinging to those miracles I've witnessed and pressing on, stepping out into deep, unknown territory.

We've recently noticed some attachment issues with Joshua.  Honestly, I feel I've seen it for a long time and just refused to believe it was true.  I desperately wanted to believe that once we adopted Joshua it would be smooth sailing. That because we were a loving, Christian family everything would be perfect... having an adopted child would be just like having our own biological child.

But I was so wrong. This is only the beginning. The beginning of therapy, support groups, meeting with other adoptive families for direction, encouragement, and wisdom... and lots of prayer! Not to mention unlimited financial resources.  I'm so thankful the Lord has provided for us and that Kenny has more than enough work to keep him busy.  But right now it's hard to see how our time and money spent will pay off.

How can a counselor help my 4 year old?
He doesn't understand so much of what I tell him, what good will counseling do?
How can he remember what happened to him at 6 months, or 12 months? That can't possibly still be affecting him!
He just needs more discipline... or does he need more love?
Doesn't he know I'm his mother and I'll keep him safe? I've told him a thousand times!
Why can't I ever satisfy this child's hunger?
Why does he ask everyone for food instead of me?
Why does he warm up so quickly to strangers and completely ignore me when they're around?
Why is he having so much trouble obeying?
Do I find Christian counselors or adoption counselors?
Do Kenny and I need therapy, or just Joshua, or both?
Does he need a neuropsychological evaluation?
Does he need medication?
Can't I just pray over this situation and let God handle it?

So many questions running through my mind! I don't know where to start.  I want someone to come alongside us, take our hand, and sh
ow us step by step what to do. What are the good resources? What is money well spent?  What are we doing wrong, what (if anything) are we doing right?

I've been given a thousand books but they all seem to pertain to international adoptions or children that have been in and out of foster homes for years.  I know several adoption agencies require parenting/attachment classes.  Ummmm... I'm about to have a baby in fourteen weeks! I don't have time for classes! And this needs attention now!

It's been about a week of emailing, asking around, praying, and searching for answers and I've finally got some direction.

Counseling through Christian Works.  Their therapists work with children and couples and use Theraplay (will have to expand on that later when I find out what it is).  They were recommended to us through Denton Bible Church. It won't be cheap but I'm trusting the Lord will provide.

Support from:
Melissa - dear friend who lives down the street; has 1 biological and 1 adopted
Bridget - family friend of Wrights; has 2 biological children and 4 adopted
Meg - child diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder)
Amy - my former mentor; has 2 biological children and 2 adopted 
*I'm hoping to meet a few more moms who live near HV that could form a support group/prayer team.  It's definitely going to take one to get me through this!

Books:
Attaching in Adoption
Toddler Adoption
The Connected Child


Bridget wrote me an email earlier today describing her experience with her now eighteen year old daughter whom they adopted at age three.  The things she described could be Joshua:
-went to anyone who was nice to her
-did not know how to live in a family and did whatever they could to gain attention
-often disobedient and untruthful
-did not seem to have a sense of right and wrong
-did not view them as mother and father which made it difficult to bond

Her solutions:
-establish myself first as his mother, not as his disciplinarian
-establish a nurturing bond rather than a disciplinarian bond
-show him affection and love and praise, even though I don't feel those things strongly right now
-hold him often and cuddled him even when I don't feel like it
-try to be more understanding and to give more grace when he misbehaves

Those things are SOOOO much easier said than done.  I know I have to be the "bigger person" and fight my frustration and aggravation with his behavior and lack of bonding.  He's only four, I can't expect him to be the one to attach first. 

But just to put a cherry on top, Anchor is coming in fourteen weeks (or less) along with unbalanced hormones and possible jealousy from Joshua and Maverick. 

Could this mountain get any taller!?!?

All I can keep saying to myself is "Lord I need You, oh I need You, every hour I need You"

I know He wants to show me I cannot get through one day, or even one hour, without Him.  I'm beyond grateful for His grace and mercies that are new each morning, His wisdom and direction, and His promise that He will never leave us.  I've been through enough trials to know it won't always be easy, but I am not alone. 

So I'm putting on the armor of God, and mustering up faith as small as a mustard seed, and I will climb this mountain!

Father's Day

I wanted to make Father's Day really special for Kenny this year. Last year we were in the middle of moving and I can't even remember what we did.  I want him to know what an awesome daddy he is to our wolfpack... he works endlessly and would do anything for our boys!  I feel in love with his father-like spirit before we even started dating and it's been such a blessing to see him exceed all I knew he would be.

It was a "yucky cloudy rainy day" so there wasn't any temptation to be outside.

We started with bagels from Einsteins... cinnamon sugar with strawberry cream cheese!

Then we gave Kenny gifts from the boys: a plate with their handprints, a new hat, some snacks, and a loofah!

Joshua loved helping to wrap his present and make his card. He enjoyed picking out snacks (though it was hard to understand they weren't for him).  I'm looking forward to seeing the boys grow up and put their own touch on his gifts... rather than me picking them out.

Next we made Kenny's favorite dessert, key lime pie!

We then went out to run errands.. Ikea for a new pillow, Columbia for some clothes, Taco Cabana for lunch, and to pick up his trailer. It honestly wouldn't have mattered where we went, we all just love riding in dad's truck!!

By the time we got back home, it was time for me to start dinner: chicken parmigiana, cesar salad, french bread, and of course our key lime pie dessert!  It was delicious!

It was a wonderful Father's Day and I'm looking forward to many more with my growing wolfpack!

"Like arrows in the hands of a warrior 

are sons born in one's youth." 

Psalm 127:4

warrior wednesday

What is Warrior Wednesday?  It's pictures and updates of the family and what we've been up to lately... with little explanation.  Sometimes I just want to post pics without having to write an entire blogpost. (Can I get an Amen!?)

This is the boys drinking their Chocolate Shakeology... and Maverick throwing a fit when it was all gone! Needless to say, THEY LOVE IT!!

We haven't played outside much since it's been so hot. But one afternoon I pulled out this spray turtle and Maverick had a blast playing in it!

We've been blessed to go swimming at my mom's pool! She lives 20-30 minutes away so it's not daily, but it sure is fun when we go! Joshua just finished swim lessons and so it's nice for him to practice.

We also went to Lee and Hollie Woodham's summer kick-off party. The food is always amazing and Joshua loves playing with the water guns, bounce houses, and other kids. 

We also went to Cabela's so Kenny could get a fishing rod and, of course, we bought some fudge... vanilla snickers and chocolate peanut butter M&M!  Yuuuummy!

pregnancy update: Week 25

how far along:  25 weeks

baby size: rutabaga (13 inches, 1.5 lbs)

maternity clothes: yes and they are getting tight!

sleep: pretty good with a pillow between my legs

best moment of the week: we picked a name and heard his heartbeat!

movement: yes, he loves moving around... he's a swimmer or some kind of athlete for sure!

food cravings: carbs and sweets, DP and chai, CONSTANTLY! My new obsession is this Hawaiian sliced loaf.... especially when paired with Monterey Jack cheese for the perfect grilled cheese sandwich! YUUUUM!

what I miss: being able to bend over to pick things up without heartburn flaring up! =(

what I'm looking forward to: appointments with midwife being every 2 weeks instead of 4

pregnancy symptoms: heartburn, little bit of swelling, hot flashes, and just plain old feeling like a whale in everything I wear

stretch marks: not yet! I keep lathering up my belly to keep them from coming =)

belly button: still an innie

what's in a name

I've always felt God places great value in our names. He rarely told someone they would have a child without giving them the name He wanted that child to be called. And on several occasions, He even changed names to when a person changed. (Abraham, Jacob, Paul)

So when it came to naming our children, I knew it wasn't a decision to be taken lightly.

Yet Kenny and I have the hardest time agreeing on names!  While it is frustrating, I knew we'd both agree on whatever names God wanted our children to have.  It would only be a matter of time... waiting for His perfect time to reveal the name in His way.

For a while now, we've liked Remington Hawkins but I just didn't have a peace about it. I asked Lindsay if I was being ridiculous or if I should wait for God to reveal a name. She encouraged me to keep praying and that God would reveal a name that I would just "know" was it!

I was at James Avery on Saturday looking for a new charm for my mommy bracelet. There was nothing my heart was set on and I didn't want to buy one just to have one. I wanted it to have meaning. I thought about an elephant, mainly because I like them. But it had no significance for this baby so it didn't feel right. The saleslady asked if we had a name picked out. I told her no, but I knew what I wanted his name to mean.

Maverick means "independent and non-conforming," two character traits I see and love in Kenny.  Kenny has also reminded me of the tree in Psalms 1:3... deeply rooted and stable, unshaken by circumstances around him.

"He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers."

I had tried researching names that meant deeply rooted, stable, steady, unchanging... nothing came up. There were names that meant strength, bravery, or power. But those words just aren't the same. And I don't feel God gives us a name that almost means what He wants it to.  Every time we call our child, we're claiming that meaning over them. I wanted it to be an exact fit.

So I continued answering the saleslady saying his name would mean "deeply rooted and stable."  She replied with, "what about an anchor."

My heart skipped a beat and my spirit said that's it!

She pulled it out of the bag and I laid it on the bracelet... it fits perfectly and looks awesome! I bought the charm and wondered if we'd ever find a name that actually meant "stable."  On the way home, I wondered what Kenny would think of the name "anchor."  I figured he'd probably hate it.  But I just couldn't shake it. So I knew I'd have to present it to him at just the right time.

I prayed and asked God to give us a name, to put Kenny and I on the same page, and to show us what He wanted claimed over this child each and every time we call his name. This child belongs to Him and should be named by Him alone.

On Monday after work, I told him I had a name that I wanted him to think seriously about and asked if this was a good time. He responded no. Later that night I asked the same thing again and received the same response. Tuesday morning, I asked him again but answer stayed the same.  That night our schedule was off and we ended up putting the boys to bed and then sitting down to dinner... alone! Kenny fixed his bowl of taco soup and went to the dining room to eat, which meant he wanted to watch TV.  I felt like a lost puppy dog, made my bowl, and followed right behind.  To my surprise, once I sat down he paused the TV and started a conversation with me! It was glorious!! And the few times there was a lag in the conversation, I figured he'd unpause the TV and start watching, but he didn't.  I felt the Lord urge me to tell him the name.  Reluctantly, I asked my old, familiar question. This time, Kenny said "yes, I'm ready to hear it."  I told him the back story and then asked what he thought about naming him "Anchor."

He loved it! He loved the meaning. He loved how unique and strong it was. He loved it with the other name we had picked out.

I was blown away by his openness and response! And completely in awe by how my God orchestrated the whole thing! I'm known for being super impulsive. I know if I had randomly asked Kenny what he thought of "Anchor" as a name, he would have immediately dismissed it or made fun of it.

I'm so thankful we serve a God who cares about what we name our children, and who reveals to us His name. There's no guessing or hoping I get it right.

Can't wait to meet you Anchor Hawkins! We love you so much already.