I'm drowning

Wave, after wave, after wave, after wave...

I can't stay afloat.

I'm struggling with our adopted child... to attach, to love, to homeschool, to discipline correctly.

I'm struggling with my seven month old... who has thrown up every single day for a week!

I'm struggling in my marriage... fighting exhaustion and low sex drive but wanting to meet my husband's needs.

I'm struggling as a mom... to love my boys well and be intentional with my time with each of them.

I'm struggling as a wife... to keep the house clean, meals prepared, pantry stocked, laundry folded and put away.

I'm struggling as a woman in her thirties... to lose weight, exercise, and make healthy eating choices.

I'm struggling with my quiet times... to find the time, to not fall asleep, to know what to do, to truly seek Him just to be with Him.


I know the Lord is near... or at least I'm choosing to believe it because His word says "HE IS NEAR."  (Psalm 145:18)

But man oh man this is the most difficult season I've ever had to walk through.

Never have I had so many questions and needed so many answers, and yet I continue to hear "I don't know."

What is going on Lord?!?

Are you trying to get my attention? You have it.

I feel him encouraging me and know I need to power through.  Part of our family verse for the year is "Be strong and courageous!"  I chose it not knowing the battles I would have to fight... or how difficult each one would be... or that they'd all hit at the same time.

I absolutely cannot do this.  Lord, help me fight these battles on my knees. I desperately need You!  Draw near to me and give me courage to stand against the enemy and his plans for me: depression, discouragement, guilt, shame, condemnation. None of that is from You. Your word says You are "faithful, and will not let me be tempted beyond my ability, but with the temptation You will also provide the way of escape, that I might be able to endure it."  I thank You for this encouragement and pray that I would put on the armor of God every morning so that I'm prepared for what's ahead.  These days are so incredibly long and tiring Lord, help me to draw my strength from You.  Thank You for Your grace and that Your mercies are new every morning. I may fail miserably every day and that's okay... as long as I fix my eyes on You and love You with all my heart, soul, and might. You are in charge of the rest.  Help to remember the weight of these problems do not need to be on my shoulders, may I lay them at Your feet and trust You with the outcome. 

and he's off!

Today was an exciting day at our house!! Nana came out for the weekend to join us for our field trip and spend time with Joshua for his birthday. She took him to breakfast at the Egg and I and then to Target to pick out a toy. He chose a red lightsaber! He's never seen Star Wars but seems to have an intrinsic passion for it.

Then they came home and Joshua learned to ride a two-wheeler bike!  He's been using a balance bike for two years, and a bike with training wheels for six months.  I was amazed at how quickly he learned.  Nana couldn't keep up with him so she *had* to let go and he just kept going!  Within the hour he learned to turn, make U-turns, start on his own and even go up/down the curb.  We are so proud of our big boy!

For his birthday, we wanted to get him a new bike!  We went to Walmart and Joshua got a Mongoose bike... the same kind his dad first bought for himself.  He loves the big tires.  We can't wait to get out tomorrow and ride some more! I'm looking forward to family bike rides.  I love cycling and there's just something special about being outdoors, on a bike, with my family. 

Between the new bike, roller skates from grandmommy, and skateboard from Allen and Katie, he's going to be one busy boy! 

Finally, we all went to Blue Goose for dinner.  It's one of Joshua's favorite restaurants.

Anchor got to eat his very first tortilla! And our seven month old little boy is learning to sit up.  He's able to do it by himself for five to ten seconds... it's progress!! This momma is so ready for him to be sitting up and NOT spitting up.  But I also know I'll truly regret these days with my little boys.  I'm so proud of them for hitting milestones but it's bittersweet as it reminds me they won't stay this way forever.

feel it coming on

Back in 2012, I wrote a post about how I felt like I was slipping into a valley.  Part of the Christian walk is sanctification. It's painful. It's raw. It's hard. But it's life giving. It's God loving us so incredibly much that He refines us in the fire to make us more like Him.

I feel like I'm unraveling... ripping at the seams. I can't do it all. I can't keep it all together.  God's been tugging at my heart for a few weeks.  It started when I realized my priorities were all messed up.    Since then, I've been thinking about all that is expected of me... cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, spending time with each one (kids and husband), activities, exercise, etc.

It's honestly made me depressed because I know I can't do it all.  So I went to my doctor and asked him to do a full blood panel to see where my hormones, thyroid, and vitamin levels were at. I'll get those results in two weeks.  But while I was there, he told me to "give yourself grace.  You're in a difficult stage of life having three kids under five, all in diapers, with a high needs baby.  It's hard for anyone and you don't have to have it all together. I've seen so many moms in here that are your age and learning to handle three. It's normal."

Then I went to a friends house and told her I was struggling adjusting to three. Again, she said "give yourself grace.  Do what you need to do to stay sane... put kids in daycare, have a sitter come watch them so you can get out for a few hours, hire a maid.  It's worth your sanity in the end."

I had a horrible workout at the gym yesterday, nothing seemed to go right, and I left feeling fat, weak, and defeated. My sister said "give yourself grace! We all have hard workouts."

Today at gymnastics, I saw behavior in Joshua that frustrated me to no end!  He was constantly bouncing up and down, trying to get attention from the teacher. He hit another child and was put in timeout, and he sat there repeatedly asking "when can I get up?" Totally obnoxious and horrifyingly embarrassing.  I pulled him from the class and called my mom.  After remembering he was also difficult at Cubbies last night, I realized he probably has ADHD and super impulsive and just can't control himself.  I've taught students exactly like him.  As a teacher, they are a nightmare because they require so much attention, drain all of your energy, and take away from the rest of the class. So my first thought was, put him on medication!  I'll have a different child and maybe my life will finally be easier.

But I've always been on the fence about medicating children for attention issues, especially this young. So I called my mom, who raised my ADD brother and experienced medication firsthand. She agreed that Joshua is hyperactive but she said my goal should be to teach him how to manage that.  At his age, I just need to constantly be aware of how he can expend his energy.  Instead of just putting him outside and shutting the door, I should play soccer with him, ride bikes, go on walks, jump on the trampoline, set up relays and obstacle courses. She also encouraged me to have a routine.  These are things I know from working at Shelton and can easily implement.  Instead of wanting a different child, she encouraged me to be a different mom... the one God created and has molded me to be for Joshua. My training and time at Shelton (and passion for special needs children) had a very specific purpose, as did my years of infertility, and all my years living in a homeschool family.  I've begged the Lord to help me attach to Joshua.  And somehow, I know this is going to draw us closer together.

But it won't be easy.  My time is so torn right now between tending to the house, spending time with Anchor so he can develop muscles to sit up and crawl, homeschooling, training Maverick, etc.  How can I possibly add one more thing to the list?!?!

I feel like the "give yourself grace" comments are a copout.  We all have struggles and have to learn how to juggle life.  We can't just sit around waiting for the problems to fix themselves.

So where does this leave me?!?  Desperate for more of Christ.  I absolutely cannot do this by myself.  But God has given me Himself, and a supportive husband, family, and friends.  Through Him, I can learn how to raise a special needs, adopted child, as well as our two other boys (who will have their own struggles and needs).  So I may be entering a valley, but I am not alone.  I thought of the song "Feel It Coming On" by delirious.  Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me today:

"Reach inside of me, deeper than before.
Would You tear away this old man, bring peace to this old war.
See Your piercing eyes, burn me like a fire.
If You have me I will run, to finish all that You've begun. 

Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as You walk into the darkest night.
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk beneath Your shining light.
Hold me, hold me, will You come? To be with me when the day is done?
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk into Your burning light."

I'm so thankful He's here.  This is truly an answer to my prayers.  Not at all the one I was expecting.  But one that sounds exactly like my God. He doesn't give us the easy way... He gives us what will bring us closer to Him and make us more like Christ.  Oh how grateful I am He doesn't just give us what we want!  Yes, my days are long and hard.  But I am choosing joy!

Thank You God for tearing away the ugly parts of me.  Thank You for being faithful to complete the work You began in me.  Thank You that I'll never walk alone.  Thank You for Your shining light.  This mountain I am climbing is still so high, still so steep.  But You are not in a hurry, You're not going anywhere, and You aren't letting me quit.  You are gently teaching me, leading me, loving me, pushing me, encouraging me, changing me.  I know I won't recognize myself once I reach the top.  I pray that I'll see You instead! Oh how eager I am to see the fruit that this produces and how You will use this for good, for Your glory.

BFIAR: Katy No-Pocket

After Corduroy, we rowed Katy No-Pocket by Emma Payne.  I have to admit, I did not love this book, like I have the others.  It was a long story, and while it was cute, it just didn't capture and hold my attention. It's about a kangaroo who doesn't have a pouch to carry her baby in so he's always left behind. She asks several other animals how they carry their babies but none of the solutions work for Katy. So she heads to the city and finds a carpenter wearing an apron full of pockets. He gives it to her and now she has a way to not only carry her own baby, but other animal babies as well!

Our companion books were about Australia and other marsupials:

• Are We There Yet? by Alison Lester
• Wombat Goes Walkabout by Michael Morpurgo
• Pouch! by David Ezra Stein
• Does a Kangaroo Have a Mother, too? by Eric Carle
• Elmer and the Kangaroo by David McKee

We added many, many, many cards to our Animal Classification Collection.

We made aprons so the boys could carry beanie babies around.  This lasted a whole five minutes with my boys. It might have been more fun with girls, or aprons with bigger pockets. 

We learned about tools, like the carpenter in the book had.

And that's about all we did.

This week, we also went on a tour of the police station!  I hoped to do this when we rowed the Red Carpet, but it didn't work out that way. It was still a lot of fun! We had a group of nine boys!

meeting room

where the police officers put their weapons before entering the jail

inside a jail cell

checking out the police car

where evidence is stored

Thank you, Highland Village Police Department!

BFIAR: Corduroy

Back in February, we rowed Corduroy by Don Freeman.  Maverick and Anchor were pretty sick that week, so it ended up taking us two weeks to finish the row. One of the things I love about homeschooling is that we can be flexible with our schedule and do school anywhere in the couch. Most of the week I was laying on the couch with the sick ones, while Joshua did school on the ottoman.

Corduroy is a classic children's book! We already owned it and had read it several times. But BFIAR definitely gave us a new appreciation and deeper love for Corduroy.  It's the story of a bear who wanted a friend and a home. A little girl comes into the store and wants to buy him, but her mother says no because he he had lost a button. That night, Corduroy sets out to find it, but is unsuccessful and gets caught by the security guard. The next morning, the little girl returns to the store, buys Corduroy with money she had saved up, takes him home, and sews on a new button. We talked about money/saving, manners, sewing, friendship, and aspirations.

Our companion books were all about teddy bears.

• A Pocket for Corduroy by Don Freeman
• Bear in the Air by Susan Meyers 
• Wash-a-Bye Bear by Thomas Docherty
• Where's My Teddy by Jez Alborough

After our first read, I had Joshua make patterns with his counting bears. He did a great job, and then pretended the bears went to see Corduroy the Movie! I love seeing him use his imagination.

I love to start each new row with a fun breakfast or food.  Joshua loves food (and that's an understatement).  So I know that this gets him excited about the new book. This week we made chocolate chip bear shaped pancakes!  They were a huge hit!

We also added to our Animal Classification cards. Joshua enjoys finding the animals throughout the book and learning interesting facts about them.  I know right now he can't remember that a lion is a mammal, or what makes a mammal different from a reptile. But one thing I learned in my Montessori training is that early exposure to these big words instills a love and desire for learning and someday he'll understand what the mean and want to learn more about them.

Of course, we had to find Corduroy! So we set out on an adventure and found him at Barnes and Noble!  Then we enjoyed a Chick-Fil-A lunch in the courtyard and made sure Corduroy wore his seatbelt on the way home.

Joshua learned how to sew! It took him a while to understand the concept, but once he got it, he did great! Afterward, he kept asking to do more. I love it when that happens.

Then we learned about money. We talked about how important it is to tithe and save, but how we can also have some spending money too, just like Lisa. I made a chore chart for Joshua and told him he could earn money by doing chores. We also made jars that say "give," "save," and "spend."  When the boys are older, we plan to do Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Jr. to teach them how money works and how the Bible teaches us to use the money God has blessed us with.

For fun snacks, we had teddy grahams and gummy bears. I had Joshua graph his gummy bears according to color. He's getting really good at this!

We also played a dice game where he rolled the dice and graphed the number of times a button was rolled. We did this before in Caps for Sale and he still seems to love it. I'm thankful they are so easily entertained at this age.

Another fun activity was learning about different types of fabric. Joshua did a great job learning the names and has actually used them in conversation! We learned about:  burlap, netting, flannel, lace, corduroy, minky, plaid, cotton, denim, fleece, and satin.

We also painted corduroy bear and made him a pocket. 

This was a really fun row!! All of the books we've rowed so far have been great. But this one was special because we already knew and loved Corduroy.  I love how Before Five in a Row gives us so many opportunities to make memories. That's what childhood is all about.  People often ask me if I'm homeschooling Joshua, to which I respond "Yes!" And while we are learning lots of things many preschoolers are never exposed to, it has never felt like work or "school" in the sense that he sits at a desk and completes worksheet after worksheet.  I know those days will come, though they won't be filled with worksheets.  Eventually he will need formal education.  But for now, we are enjoying the memories we are making and instilling a deep love for learning along the way!