feel it coming on

Back in 2012, I wrote a post about how I felt like I was slipping into a valley.  Part of the Christian walk is sanctification. It's painful. It's raw. It's hard. But it's life giving. It's God loving us so incredibly much that He refines us in the fire to make us more like Him.

I feel like I'm unraveling... ripping at the seams. I can't do it all. I can't keep it all together.  God's been tugging at my heart for a few weeks.  It started when I realized my priorities were all messed up.    Since then, I've been thinking about all that is expected of me... cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, spending time with each one (kids and husband), activities, exercise, etc.

It's honestly made me depressed because I know I can't do it all.  So I went to my doctor and asked him to do a full blood panel to see where my hormones, thyroid, and vitamin levels were at. I'll get those results in two weeks.  But while I was there, he told me to "give yourself grace.  You're in a difficult stage of life having three kids under five, all in diapers, with a high needs baby.  It's hard for anyone and you don't have to have it all together. I've seen so many moms in here that are your age and learning to handle three. It's normal."

Then I went to a friends house and told her I was struggling adjusting to three. Again, she said "give yourself grace.  Do what you need to do to stay sane... put kids in daycare, have a sitter come watch them so you can get out for a few hours, hire a maid.  It's worth your sanity in the end."

I had a horrible workout at the gym yesterday, nothing seemed to go right, and I left feeling fat, weak, and defeated. My sister said "give yourself grace! We all have hard workouts."

Today at gymnastics, I saw behavior in Joshua that frustrated me to no end!  He was constantly bouncing up and down, trying to get attention from the teacher. He hit another child and was put in timeout, and he sat there repeatedly asking "when can I get up?" Totally obnoxious and horrifyingly embarrassing.  I pulled him from the class and called my mom.  After remembering he was also difficult at Cubbies last night, I realized he probably has ADHD and super impulsive and just can't control himself.  I've taught students exactly like him.  As a teacher, they are a nightmare because they require so much attention, drain all of your energy, and take away from the rest of the class. So my first thought was, put him on medication!  I'll have a different child and maybe my life will finally be easier.

But I've always been on the fence about medicating children for attention issues, especially this young. So I called my mom, who raised my ADD brother and experienced medication firsthand. She agreed that Joshua is hyperactive but she said my goal should be to teach him how to manage that.  At his age, I just need to constantly be aware of how he can expend his energy.  Instead of just putting him outside and shutting the door, I should play soccer with him, ride bikes, go on walks, jump on the trampoline, set up relays and obstacle courses. She also encouraged me to have a routine.  These are things I know from working at Shelton and can easily implement.  Instead of wanting a different child, she encouraged me to be a different mom... the one God created and has molded me to be for Joshua. My training and time at Shelton (and passion for special needs children) had a very specific purpose, as did my years of infertility, and all my years living in a homeschool family.  I've begged the Lord to help me attach to Joshua.  And somehow, I know this is going to draw us closer together.

But it won't be easy.  My time is so torn right now between tending to the house, spending time with Anchor so he can develop muscles to sit up and crawl, homeschooling, training Maverick, etc.  How can I possibly add one more thing to the list?!?!

I feel like the "give yourself grace" comments are a copout.  We all have struggles and have to learn how to juggle life.  We can't just sit around waiting for the problems to fix themselves.

So where does this leave me?!?  Desperate for more of Christ.  I absolutely cannot do this by myself.  But God has given me Himself, and a supportive husband, family, and friends.  Through Him, I can learn how to raise a special needs, adopted child, as well as our two other boys (who will have their own struggles and needs).  So I may be entering a valley, but I am not alone.  I thought of the song "Feel It Coming On" by delirious.  Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me today:

"Reach inside of me, deeper than before.
Would You tear away this old man, bring peace to this old war.
See Your piercing eyes, burn me like a fire.
If You have me I will run, to finish all that You've begun. 

Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as You walk into the darkest night.
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk beneath Your shining light.
Hold me, hold me, will You come? To be with me when the day is done?
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk into Your burning light."

I'm so thankful He's here.  This is truly an answer to my prayers.  Not at all the one I was expecting.  But one that sounds exactly like my God. He doesn't give us the easy way... He gives us what will bring us closer to Him and make us more like Christ.  Oh how grateful I am He doesn't just give us what we want!  Yes, my days are long and hard.  But I am choosing joy!

Thank You God for tearing away the ugly parts of me.  Thank You for being faithful to complete the work You began in me.  Thank You that I'll never walk alone.  Thank You for Your shining light.  This mountain I am climbing is still so high, still so steep.  But You are not in a hurry, You're not going anywhere, and You aren't letting me quit.  You are gently teaching me, leading me, loving me, pushing me, encouraging me, changing me.  I know I won't recognize myself once I reach the top.  I pray that I'll see You instead! Oh how eager I am to see the fruit that this produces and how You will use this for good, for Your glory.