where are you, God?

Is there an option to quit parenting?  To admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not cut out to be a parent.  All I know is I must be doing more harm than good.

We have been having always had behavior problems with Joshua.  Not the typical "no one is perfect," "children will be children, boys will be boys" problems.  But a genuine inability to obey, and the attitude that comes along with that.

At this point, I'm desperately trying to figure out the reasons why so that I can find a solution.  But in the meantime, life goes on.  We still have to go out in public, to play dates, church, birthday parties, field trips, etc.  And I'm done.  My relationship with Joshua has been so hurt and damaged that I don't want to go anywhere with him.

I'm tired of being humiliated. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I'm tired of being made out to be a mean mommy. I'm tired of the long talks about obedience just to be completely ignored. I'm tired of seeing him light up to be around other children's mommy's because he just can't stand to be with me. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship. I'm tired of caring so much just to be hurt over and over and over and over again.  I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, when deep down I just want to shout:

"I GIVE UP, GOD! YOU ARE the PERFECT PARENT... I am not. 

YOU HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... I do not. 

YOU ARE MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS, 

SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE... 

I am weak, angry, tired, and hurting. 

WHEN WILL YOU SHOW UP?

WHEN WILL YOU MOVE?

WHEN WILL YOU ACT on Joshua's behalf?

INTERVENE, GOD... before I ruin this child for good.

His very name means SAVED BY GOD...

so SAVE him from me... his mommy who is at the end of her rope, unable to give any more. 

I know you have AMAZING plans for this precious boy.

I just don't see how I fit into them. 

I'm simply in the way.

I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for intervention, for the knitting together of our hearts, for healing in our relationship.  I have sought wisdom and read books and tried so many different things. 

Yet You stay silent."

WHY!?!?!?!?

What do you want from me?  

This situation is affecting my marriage, family, and friendships.  It's constantly on my mind but only breeds more confusion and frustration.  

I need a breakthrough, Father God.  I'm begging to see You move... in a mighty way, in a small way... PLEASE just MOVE!

Put Kenny and I on the same page.

Show me the book to read... because NONE of them matter if they aren't from You.

Give me a Word.

Lead me to a mom who has walked this road and found success.  

Supernaturally mend our relationship. 

Give me answers to my daily struggles: where do I take him? what do I do with him? how can I invest in him in a way that pleases You and brings change?  how can I show him how much I deeply, truly, genuinely love him... but I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Lord, you used Joshua in the Bible to bring down the walls of Jericho. Use my Joshua to tear down the walls that I have put up in my heart. No matter how silly and strange it sounds... show him, show me, show US what to do. I know he's only five, but I REFUSE to believe you cannot work in and through him.  

I surrender this to You. I trust You with my heart... my pain, my fears, my weakness, and weary soul.  

Please God... break down my walls, in JESUS name!

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen... By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days." Hebrews 11: 1, 30

I see defeat, He sees triumph

I did it! I completed my second triathlon! 

At the beginning of this year, my friend Lacey asked me to sign up for a triathlon and train with her. I agreed hoping it would help me lose my baby weight from Anchor.  Plus I had previously completed the same course four years ago when I did the Monster Tri in 2012.  However, as soon as training began, my milk supply immediately dried up.  So I stopped training and asked for a refund.  They told me instead of a refund, I could have 75% off if I signed up for another race.  So the Monster Tri in October it was.  I officially signed up in July, knowing that would give me plenty of time to train.

race day: October 23, 2016
distances:
Swim 300 meters
Bike 13.5 miles
Run 3.1 miles

However, I quickly learned training with three little ones is not easy.  Waking up at 5AM to workout after a long night without sleep takes a lot of discipline.  Kenny was so gracious to watch the kids for me... as long as I trained before 7AM.  To be honest, looking back, I did not give it my all. I made excuses and procrastinated and told myself I was in better shape than I actually was.

So race day arrived, and ready or not, I jumped in the pool.  Or should I say plunged.  It was 12 feet deep, unlike the 4 foot deep pool I trained in.  It caught me completely off guard and I panicked.  I came up gasping for air and tried to swim with my head above water for a few strokes until I acclimated.  But I couldn't.  I turned around to my brother and told him I was freaking out.  He told me that was normal and encouraged me to just get to the other side... 50 meters down when I had been practicing in a 25 meter pool.  I made it, took a few deep breaths and told myself again to pull it together.  I planned to swim under the rope into the next lane, come up, and continue swimming just like I had practiced (though I never practiced swimming under the rope).  I panicked again... it's like I couldn't hold my breath for even a second.  Every time I went under water, I instinctively took a breath, came up gagging and told myself to get it together.  But it just never happened.  I basically dog paddled my way through the 300 meters, holding on to the ropes and on the sides of the pool at each end.  It was completely humiliating.  Two pregnant women (like 6-8 months pregnant) PASSED ME UP!  I survived... but barely, and was now completely exhausted.  swim time - 10:19

Determined not to quit AND to improve on my transition time, I quickly took my goggles and swim cap off and headed to my bike.  I started to put on my shorts and then realized I forgot to take off my swim shorts, but there was no turning back.  Putting tight shorts on a wet body is no easy task.  Thankfully the sun was out and it wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be.  I threw on my tank, socks/shoes, helmet, and sunglasses, grabbed my bike, and headed to the exit.  I couldn't find my brother!  I had told him earlier to stay ahead of me so that if I got disoriented I could find him easily.  Then I saw Kenny and my boys, smiled at them and told them to tell my brother to catch up.  I was in full on "focus" mode but wish I had stopped for 5 seconds to acknowledge my boys... there can't be better encouragement than that.  transition time - 3:17

I am definitely the most comfortable on my bike... not to mention I could breathe!!  The wind was in my face and I was ready to make up the time I lost in the pool.  

I turned the corner to start my first of three (yes THREE) loops and saw what seemed to be a mountain before me!  Throughout my training, my husband and friends encouraged me to bike Highland Shores, a road near our house.  I never did because I thought it had too many hills and would be WAY more difficult than the bike course for the triathlon.  Nope.  I was wrong.  This course had twelve (yes TWELVE) large climbs.  I had been biking twice a week at my indoor cycling class so I knew what the resistance felt like, I just wasn't familiar with it on my road bike.  My brother finally caught up with me after I had completed the first loop.  I did okay through the second and start of the third loop.  And then my energy tanked.  I had biked 10 mountains and just didn't want to go another foot.  But I thought of my boys and their sweet faces waiting for mommy to come back.  So I dug deep and mustered up the stamina to finish the bike.  bike time - 57:41

I returned to the transition area drained. And I still had 3 miles to run.  I hopped off my bike, legs feeling like jelly, took a few sips of water and ran out.  transition time - 1:29

Completely drained of energy and ready to quit, I just tried to put one foot in front of the other.  The entire time I trained for the run, I told myself it was completely mental.  My body is fully capable of running three miles.  I just needed to convince myself of that.  I kept trying to dig deeper, to not focus on the pain or exhaustion, but nothing seemed to work.  I also knew I had missed my goal in finishing in an hour thirty-five and decided walking for thirty seconds wouldn't hurt.  At that moment, a girl passed us saying we had been ahead of her the entire time and encouraged us to pick up the pace.  But I couldn't do it!  I felt so defeated, frustrated, and angry.  Angry that I didn't train harder, angry that I lacked the will power to finish this race strong, angry that I wasn't in better shape.  I tried to start running again, but shortly after needed to walk.  This continued for a while until I realized my brother had run so far ahead that I could no longer see him.  I started running jogging and kept looking for the halfway mark at every turn.  It was a beautiful, wooded path with lots of turns which kept it from being boring, but also made it difficult to see my mile markers.  Other athletes that were passing me said encouraging words and it was really cool to see everyone supporting each other.  I FINALLY made it halfway and my brother turned around to run with me some more.  I hated that I was letting him down.  I knew he could run circles around me and had banked on that being enough to give me energy to finish strong.  My usual ten minute per mile pace had slowed and it seemed the end would never come.  When we finally saw the finish line, my brother told me to turn on my thrusters and give it everything I had... "don't let them see you walking" he said.  And while I wasn't walking, my thrusters were no where to be found.  I made it to the finish line with my tail between my legs, wanting to crawl in a hole and wish the day away.  run time - 34:07

My sweet boys were SO excited to see me!! The looks on their faces made all of my emotions just melt away. I sat down (mainly to keep from peeing in my pants) and immediately wanted to know how much I missed my goal by.  My brother thought it was about seven minutes, which wasn't too bad.  We ate breakfast tacos and talked about how crazy the hills on the bike route were.  I noticed the boys were getting restless (as they had basically been waiting for three hours) and we decided to go home.

total time - 1:46 (eleven minutes past my goal)

On the way home, I replayed everything from the day in my head wondering why it went so wrong and promising myself I'd never do another triathlon.  It seemed as though the more negative things I came up with, the more the Lord showed me the positive... the triumphs!

1. I cut down on my transition times (thanks to Lacey braiding my hair)
2. I was only eleven minutes off from my time four years ago... and I've had two babies since then
3. I learned to trust Him no matter what the issue is - I was supposed to be on my period and since having Anchor cannot wear a tampon.  So dealing with that would have been a nightmare.  I even paid wasted $150 seeing an OBGYN trying to get on birth control.  The timing just wasn't right and it wouldn't have been a guaranteed fix, so I ended up never filling the prescription.  In all honesty, I didn't want to pray and trust the Lord because I knew that also meant I would have to be okay if He didn't move my cycle.  But my good, good Father shifted my cycle so that I was COMPLETELY FINISHED with it by race day.  Even in the midst of my tantrum and mistrust, He is STILL faithful and oh so good!!
4. I completed what I said I was going to do.  Knowing training had not gone as planned, I wanted to just give up.  Sometimes, when I know I won't reach my goal, I quit.  Lacey encouraged me that some things are to be done just for completion.  That's what this race was for me.
5. I spent time with my brother and we were able to bond from this experience.  We aren't estranged by any means, but we just aren't super close.  Since the race, he's been so encouraging and is ready to go again!
6. While practicing clipping in on my bike, I fell and hurt my left wrist one week before the race.  It had been hurting pretty bad and made it difficult to hold on to the handle bars without being in pain.  I took 2 Aleve before the race and my wrist didn't bother me at all! Praise the Lord!

A few days later, my emotions have calmed down and I'm looking forward to training and trying again.  There's several things I'd change:

1. spend the next 8 months focusing mostly on weight training, with a little cardio (cycling, running, and swimming - try to maintain ability to run a 5K)
2. 4 months prior to race, focus more on cardio but don't give up weight training
3. swim 500 meters, practice swimming under ropes, practice jumping in and starting, practice with LOTS of people in the pool, practice in the lake!
4. bike on Highland Shores (or other routes with hills), become more familiar with bike/gears, possibly learn to clip in... key word: possibly
5. run 3 miles, consistently, outside - be comfortable running in all weather conditions and terrain
6. 2 months prior to race begin brick training and keeping stamina up for more than an hour; limit weight training to once or twice a week
7. on race day - SMILE, RELAX, and just have fun!
8. for goodness sake, TAKE PICTURES! (of me and my brother, my boys and me, our family, and the event in general... the boys will be older so hopefully we can stay longer and celebrate!)
9. invite family to come and watch

I truly do enjoy swimming, biking, and running.  My goal is to do them for exercise AND recreation... for joy and stress relief!  I struggle with laziness and suck at team sports!  While I promised myself I'd never do another one, I wonder if the Lord is showing me His purpose in this.  He can minister to me as I train, I can worship and pray as I train, and I can teach my boys the importance of physical fitness.  I don't want to end this season in defeat... I will triumph!! Plus, next year is the last year I can compete in the 30-34 age category.

After feeling like I had the flu and sitting on the couch literally all afternoon, we went to dinner at Fleming's with our good friends Brad and Chrissy.  We had drinks, calamari, bruschetta, steak, potatoes, asparagus, and three (yes THREE) desserts!  Now, that's my kind of dinner!  It was a wonderful ending to a really hard day.

mexican fiesta

This last weekend, we celebrated sweet Anchor's first birthday! I have no idea how we arrived at this point. There have been so many sleepless nights, so much pain, so much frustration... wondering if he would even survive the night. This sweet boy threw up spit up so much I truly didn't think I could survive.

But he is crawling scooting, standing up, walking while holding our hands, and smiling all the time! He has been such a joy. He adores his brothers, lets you know when it's time to eat, and is getting better sleeping. He's upgraded to a forward facing car seat and thinks he's so big.

For his party, we had a Mexican fiesta! I served a taco dinner, had a piñata, Grand Mommy's famous sugar cookies, and of course cake.  I've never cooked/served food for forty-five people. I way overestimated and we'll be eating tacos for weeks. But it was such an encouragement to know I can pull it off!

We enjoyed being with our family and friends. Sadly, I'm the worst photographer! The light is bad, the pictures aren't focused, and I never seem to capture the important, memorable moments.

We adore you precious boy! Can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for you this year. 

be a light

Oh how my heart hurts for Abbey D'Agostino.  She was running the 5,000 meter qualifier when she was tripped by Nikki Hamblin.  She helped Nikki get up and encouraged her to finish the race.  Later, Abbey found out she had a complete tear of the ACL, a meniscus tear and a strained MCL.  I don't know exactly what that entails, but I know it means she would not run in the final and that she's headed home for surgery and a long recovery.

But I'm so impressed with how she's handled the media since the incident.  When asked what was in her that allowed her to respond the way she did, Abbey said "it's the spirit of God in me."  And in this article, she says "God prepared her heart to respond that way."

I want to teach my boys to be lights.  And what better way to be a light for God than giving Him the glory for the world to see.  Matthew 5:14-15 says:

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp an put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

Abbey, we are praying for you and your recovery and the plans God has for your future. Thank you for being an inspiration and a beautiful light. I know the Lord is smiling down on you and will walk beside you every step of the way as you recover and seek His will for what He has in store for you. My heart hurts that your Olympic dream ended this way.  But I know we serve a redeeming God and you will be immensely blessed!!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Here's another article about diver David Boudia.  I just love when athletes give glory to the one who deserves ALL glory!  

adventure

This past weekend, we celebrated our eleventh anniversary!  Last year, I was eight months pregnant with Anchor so we were extremely limited in what we could do.  This year, with three little ones at home, I knew we couldn't go far. But at least I could participate!!

Kenny planned an amazing trip to the Austin/Hill Country area. I'm so proud of him for planning everything. It was one of our best trips yet!

On Thursday, we drove to Austin and checked in at the Omni Barton Creek.

We then headed out for a hike... yes, hike in 100+ degree weather! This is something I typically would have said no to. But I've been so excited for this trip, I was truly up for anything and determined I would keep a positive attitude.

I'm SO thankful I did!

We hiked at the Barton Creek Greenbelt. Most of the hike was shaded, steep, and absolutely gorgeous! Unfortunately, it was dry. This is what we saw:

 This is what it looks like when it's rained:

But the experience was exhilarating! I couldn't believe I was in good enough shape to hike in Texas in the summer. And man, what a creative God we serve!!

Next we drove to Lake Travis to go jet skiing. Many of our summers dating and as newlyweds were spent on the lake.  We fell in love on the lake, had our rehearsal dinner at the lake, and live near the lake. It was such a beautiful reminder of how we spent our time getting to know each other and that we have such similar interests.

We then found a non-chain restaurant that had great reviews. We love trying new, hole-in-the-wall places. It was called The Grove and had a beautiful, gigantic oak tree lit up with Christmas lights! We wanted to sit outside, but it was just too hot. We had yummy bruschetta, pizza, and a flight of cabernet sauvignon wine tasting. With tummy's and heart's full, we headed back to the hotel for a good night's sleep (one thing we don't take for granted anymore).

On the second day, we met some good friends for breakfast. They live in Dallas but happened to be in Austin the same weekend. We then drove to The Blue Hole and Jacob's Well but found out you can only get in with a reservation. While driving around trying to figure out where to go and what to do, we saw a new subdivision being built. Another thing Kenny and I have always enjoyed doing (but rarely time for) is looking at new home construction... especially spur of the moment!  So of course we stopped to look around and found this house, which is pretty similar in size to the one we hope to build.

We also passed at this really cool event venue that shares my maiden name... Thurman's Mansion! Maybe we can renew our vows there one day.

We finally decided to float the Comal River. I've always wanted to do this! It would've been more fun with friends and food, but it was so relaxing and just fun to be with my best friend on the water!

We definitely worked up an appetite and headed to the Gristmill in Gruene for lunch.  They have the best onion rings and burgers!  Next we headed to Hey Cupcake so I could get my favorite late night snack... I got the Michael Jackson! We went back to the hotel and had drinks by the pool.  Our hotel was really family friendly and played a movie at the pool, had a playground, and lots of kids/family activities. I hope to take the boys there someday, and really look forward to showing them a city that means so much to our family.

On Saturday, it was cloudy and we thought it was going to rain so we planned to just shop and take a slow drive home. We ate bagels at Wholy Bagel, another hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Afterwards, we drove to see Kenny's 101 year old grandmother! She suffers from dementia, but I was amazed at how she remembered Kenny. She LOVED seeing pictures of the boys. She has left such a legacy for them.  By the time we finished that, the sun was peeking through the clouds and we knew we'd regret not paddle boarding. So we headed to Lake Austin and had the time of our lives being on the water and trying something new, for both of us! Unfortunately, we left our phones in the car so I have no pictures/proof of this. The lake was calm and peaceful and oh so gorgeous! The trees in Austin are of their own breed... ginormous!! It was so therapeutic... I hope to own a board someday and go often enough that I can actually be good at it!

After paddle boarding, we went to Gueros - a restaurant that we visited often when in Austin for my doctor appointments and surgeries. It was such a different feeling being there without surgery looming over my head. I'm thankful this restaurant finally has good memories for me! We ordered the queso flameado and nachos, and of course margaritas!

By the end of lunch, Kenny was feeling pretty miserable from his allergies so we headed home. I felt so bad that I couldn't help with the drive, but I can't drive a standard... one more reason to learn how!

I was blown away by how God blessed this trip. We never fought and I completely fell head over heels in love with my man all over again.  This incredible man who took me out of my book-reading, nook-loving, rule-following comfort zone and showed me what adventure is! And I love that God has now blessed us with three boys who I know will also show me all about adventure... and I so look forward to adventuring with them!  We have had our rough times, as all couples do, but my steady, deeply rooted man has never lost his faith, always supported me, and always believed in us. I definitely married up!

I love you so incredibly much Mr. Wright. As I told you this weekend, it was so easy saying "yes" to you. Thank you for choosing me to join you on this crazy adventure and showing me how to live life to the fullest!

P.S. And a HUGE thanks to my mom and Kenny's parents for watching the boys. I loved seeing pictures of them having a great time as well. They are getting older and we loved talking to them at night and hearing "I love you!" and "When are you coming home?"  These are words I dreamed of hearing for so long, my heart is so incredibly full! Thank you again and again Lord for this anniversary trip, and the man and children you've so richly blessed me with.

2016 Olympics!

It's not secret I'm obsessed with the Olympics.  I often hated being in school/working because I couldn't watch them during the day and dreamed of the day when I could do nothing but watch every.single.event.  I even prayed that I would have a newborn around the Olympics so I could nurse and watch them all night long.  My prayers were answered with Maverick and the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi.

This year, Joshua and I decided to have an Olympics party that I'm hoping will become a tradition.  We made decorations and hosted mini-events for the kids to compete in. It was hot, but so much fun!! I was surprised at how well the kids did even in the heat. They never complained and kept asking for more events!

I'm so sad to say I didn't get very many pictures. It was really difficult to run the games, talk to guests, and try to take pictures too.

We started out with a torch relay. I had the kids take turns running around our back yard with our homemade torch (a flashlight covered with foil and felt flames). Joshua was last to run(since he was the host) and then he held the torch up to our tiki torches to light and signify the opening of the games!

We then did a march of the athletes.  I played the Olympic theme and we paraded around the backyard cheering for team USA! I forgot flags and realized the march was supposed to be before the lighting of the torch. (making mental notes for improvements in the future)  It also would've been fun to have the kids wear colors to represent different countries and all carry different flags.

Then we started the games! We did a sprint, high jump, hurdles, frisbee throw, 3-legged race, tug of war, and a long run.  The kids ages ranged from nine to five, so in the future I may need to divide older/younger kids. I was impressed with the good sportsmanship I saw and their willingness to try new things.

Finally, it was time for the medal ceremony. We played the national anthem and had them put their hands over their hearts.

After the games were over, the kids had fun with water balloons, a kid pool, water hose and trampoline. They played for hours without fighting or complaining... a parent's dream! We ordered pizza and my sweet friend, Megan, brought cookies and an amazing mocha salted caramel cake.

I think we'll have to start a bi-yearly field day and we can make it an Olympics party whenever they're on.

I'm so thankful for the family and friends the Lord has blessed us with. Our hearts are full.

And... go team USA!!!

BFIAR: The Big Green Pocketbook

The last book we rowed this summer was The Big Green Pocketbook by Candice Ransom. I had never read this book before and thought it was wonderful! I'm very sentimental and this book reminded me of how things were growing up. I'm sad things aren't still like this for my boys. But I know they'll have other memories of childhood.

We did not have any companion books for this row.  Life is just too busy in the summer, there's a reason we have a school year and a break!

I love that as Maverick is getting older, he wants to join us and  do school too. 

After reading this book, the first thing we wanted to do was make our own green pocketbook! I took Joshua to Hobby Lobby and let him pick out some green fabric.  Unfortunately I realized my sewing machine is not accessible right now (and my mother-in-law's recently broke so I couldn't borrow hers).  So plan B was to make one from felt. Thank the Lord for hot glue guns!

Joshua loved putting his things in there... 2 lollipops (one for now and one for later), the bus tickets, etc. At the beginning of the week, he had to use cut out cards. But as the week went on, we found real items!

Our special treat this week was riding the trolley in uptown Dallas.  We went with our cousins and had such a great time!

Next we went to Highland Park Soda Fountain for lunch. My grandmommy brought me here numerous times as a child and it holds so many dear memories for me.  I look forward to being able to share all about how wonderful my grandmommy was with my boys someday. We had grilled cheese and old-fashioned milkshakes! 

he even bought his own box of crayons to keep in his pocketbook

We learned about money and had fun playing this game. Joshua was really good at rolling the dice, looking up what that number meant, and putting the correct coin in the correct spot. He could play games all day... especially with nana!

We also did a science experiment about how blue and yellow make green.  This book is really cute too!

Joshua also enjoyed typing his name (first in big letters, then in small letters) on the laptop.  I wish I had a typewriter to show him.  That's another thing from my grandmommy that I loved playing with.

One of the things I enjoy about Before Five in a Row is that it always ties in Scripture.  This week, we read the parable of the lost coin.  We reviewed it several times with Joshua and still bring it up today when the situation applies.

This row was another one of my favorites... most of them have been so special and I'm loving the memories they are making for our family.  They have provided an extra way for Joshua and I to bond. The times are so sweet and I'll always remember them.