I'm tempted to say my dreams have come true and our lives can finally begin! But that's not a fair statement. I wouldn't trade the last eight years of marriage to Mr. Wright for anything in the world! I've loved the good times and I'm beyond grateful for the tough times. It's through those tough times (and man alive were they tough!) that we grew in our relationship with the Lord and with each other.
Last year (2013) was ah-maze-ing! We adopted Joshua, Maverick was born, and I quit work (thanks to a hubby who makes sacrifices daily so I can stay home)! I've challenged 2014 to try and top it.
And it's off to a good start!
Yesterday, at 9:00 AM, I got a phone call from Mr. Wright saying the bank accepted our offer on this.
It's a one acre lot in Forest Hills. We moved out to Aubrey for what we planned to only be a few short years until we could buy some land. It even took me a while to call my new home a house, it just seemed so temporary. It was an hour from my work and family, a cookie-cutter home, and there was nothing (grocery stores, restaurants, gas stations, etc.) out this far!
Six years later, although we're still in the same house, I've fallen in love with this area! I've found the country girl buried down inside and don't ever want to move back to the city.
But we've outgrown our home. Something has to change!
It will be a looooooong while before we can build. But it feels so good to have a new plan. Every time I get frustrated that our neighbors dogs won't stop barking and their music is too loud, I'll think about our land. When I'm angry because I have to move ten things to get to one thing I need, I'll think about our future home. When I have to clean the dog poop off Joshua's shoes, I'll think about our future yard.
We've turned a new chapter in our lives for sure... 2 kids and a lot to build a new home on! Thank you Lord for these blessings!
Our infertility battle is over and we have been abundantly blessed with two amazing, incredible, precious little boys! They have added so much joy to our lives and we are learning how to function as a family of four now.
But in my heart I'm really struggling. My heart has been so incredibly beat down by the years I spent begging and pleading with the Lord for a child. It's become a "heart of stone" to say the least. I stopped working at the church nursery long ago and started teaching higher grade levels at school. I've completely forgotten what little ones are like and lost sight of the kind of mother I dreamed of being for so many years.
Yes, God has more than answered my prayers and in such incredible ways. So why the struggle?
It wasn't the way I wanted. It wasn't in my timing. It wasn't what I envisioned my family would look like.
How selfish can I be?!?
The God of the universe stooped down to bless His child (and in a miraculous way) and yet I'm still wanting to be angry and bitter.
Ezekiel 36:26-27 says:
"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My statutes and be careful to obey My rules."
Oh how grateful I am that the Lord has beat me down to a place where I am so desperate for more of Him. And it's so different from the place of desperation I was in before when I was praying for children.
I used to ask "Why, oh God, are you withholding blessings from us?" And now I'm asking "How am I to be a Christlike example to these little boys each and every day when I'm so exhausted?"
I used to think God was so far away and that He had forgotten about me (which is a lie from the enemy). Now I'm realizing I'm the one who's drifted away from Him and have tried to do this "mothering thing" on my own.
Oh how wrong my mentality of thinking is: "I got my blessings God, thank You, I'll take it from here."
Battles are being fought daily for the souls of my sweet boys, and Joshua more so than Maverick because of where he came from. How foolish of me to not only be bitter about my situation but to think I can fight these battles alone. I'm thankful I serve a God who is infinitely more patient than I and who is willing to change my heart of stone.
Oh God, hear my weary heart! Forgive me for being so incredibly selfish and for not praising You daily for the miracles You have performed in our lives. Forgive me for thinking I can do this alone. Change my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Put Your Spirit within me so that I can be an example of Christ to my boys. Revive my wounded heart and fill it to overflowing with Your joy and the desires I used to have of being a fun mommy. Help me love on Joshua more and to tell him how thankful I am that You brought him into our family. Teach me how to mother these boys that You have entrusted to me.
