heart of stone

Our infertility battle is over and we have been abundantly blessed with two amazing, incredible, precious little boys! They have added so much joy to our lives and we are learning how to function as a family of four now.

But in my heart I'm really struggling.  My heart has been so incredibly beat down by the years I spent begging and pleading with the Lord for a child. It's become a "heart of stone" to say the least. I stopped working at the church nursery long ago and started teaching higher grade levels at school. I've completely forgotten what little ones are like and lost sight of the kind of mother I dreamed of being for so many years. 

Yes, God has more than answered my prayers and in such incredible ways.  So why the struggle?  

It wasn't the way I wanted. It wasn't in my timing. It wasn't what I envisioned my family would look like.

How selfish can I be?!?

The God of the universe stooped down to bless His child (and in a miraculous way) and yet I'm still wanting to be angry and bitter.  

Ezekiel 36:26-27 says:

"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My statutes and be careful to obey My rules."

Oh how grateful I am that the Lord has beat me down to a place where I am so desperate for more of Him. And it's so different from the place of desperation I was in before when I was praying for children. 

I used to ask "Why, oh God, are you withholding blessings from us?" And now I'm asking "How am I to be a Christlike example to these little boys each and every day when I'm so exhausted?"

I used to think God was so far away and that He had forgotten about me (which is a lie from the enemy).  Now I'm realizing I'm the one who's drifted away from Him and have tried to do this "mothering thing" on my own.

Oh how wrong my mentality of thinking is: "I got my blessings God, thank You, I'll take it from here."

Battles are being fought daily for the souls of my sweet boys, and Joshua more so than Maverick because of where he came from. How foolish of me to not only be bitter about my situation but to think I can fight these battles alone. I'm thankful I serve a God who is infinitely more patient than I and who is willing to change my heart of stone.

Oh God, hear my weary heart! Forgive me for being so incredibly selfish and for not praising You daily for the miracles You have performed in our lives. Forgive me for thinking I can do this alone. Change my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Put Your Spirit within me so that I can be an example of Christ to my boys. Revive my wounded heart and fill it to overflowing with Your joy and the desires I used to have of being a fun mommy. Help me love on Joshua more and to tell him how thankful I am that You brought him into our family. Teach me how to mother these boys that You have entrusted to me.