How do I keep my priorities straight?
What should my priorities be? Homeschooling over cleaning, or vice versa? Exercise over healthy eating, or vice versa? Playdates or staying home, or vice versa? Bible study or sleep, or vice versa?
Tonight was rough, mainly because it ended with Kenny leaving the house mad, and me at home with three starving screaming boys and ten minutes until bedtime.
But let's back up a few hours.
Kenny had agreed to watch the boys so I could try Camp Gladiator with a friend. It was an hour class that started at 5:15 so I knew I wouldn't be home until 6:30. This is hands down the most difficult time of day:
- Anchor wants to be held constantly.
- Dinner needs to be made... and if it's healthy, it requires more than just turning on the oven.
- Joshua and Maverick are competing for dad's attention and he's ready to wind down from a hard day of work.
- I'm usually ready to run out of the house screaming, desperate for some peace and quiet.
So I was grateful for the time to workout, especially knowing the sacrifice Kenny was making to watch all three boys at this time.
To make matters worse, the house was a wreck. Toys were strewn everywhere, even though we had cleaned up a few hours earlier. I had made plans to cook taco salad, but sorely underestimated my time, and therefore nothing was ready. And Kenny had plans to meet a friend for dinner at 8, but needed to run a few errands first (unbeknownst to me).
After my workout, I saw a text from Kenny that said:
"I can not function with such a f***in messy house."Ouch! I knew I had been slacking and, although I hate to admit it, was waiting for him to mention something before getting my act together. He had remained quiet about his frustration, but was now at his breaking point.
I pulled into the driveway at 6:40. Kenny came out, fuming mad, and announced he needed to get a hair cut, get his car washed, and then sit in traffic to be to dinner by 8. The boys had not eaten (because I didn't tell him what to make) and they were supposed to be in bed in 10 minutes. AND Anchor was sitting in his swing, screaming.
Completely defeated, I walked inside and wanted to melt into a puddle and cry. My six month old baby was screaming, desperately wanting to be held. Joshua and Maverick were both begging for food and attention. And the house truly was a disaster. I couldn't believe I actually left with it looking so bad.
I had messed up... really, really bad. And all I knew to do was pray. Lord, show me what to do. Okay, first things first. My boys needed physical food, and fast.
I threw them in the car and drove up to Sonic. ***I'm technically supposed to be on day 24 of Whole 30, a very clean eating plan. However, I decided I wanted to spend the last week of this learning how to incorporate Whole 30 into my life, my reality. And tonight, fast food was more important than making my kids wait another hour so I could prepare a healthy meal (which should have already been made). Lesson learned.*** Along the way, I poured out my heart to the Lord. I confessed that I had screwed up. Working out can not happen when our home is a wreck, dinner is not ready, and the kids are needing some attention. It just can't. I don't want it to and don't feel like it should ever be a priority over managing the home.
I also told the Lord I can't seem to do it all! How do I spend time helping Anchor learn to sit up (while constantly cleaning up his spit-up), playing with my Maverick, or homeschooling Joshua AND keep the house clean?!? I feel like I live life in a constant daze, probably a little depressed, just hoping the hours pass by. Anchor is our last baby and I hate that I just want this season to be over. I'm so tired of being tied down to my house, and a schedule, and burp cloths and towels, and spit-up! I just want to enjoy my arrows and this precious time with them, while keeping the other demands of life in balance. It must be possible or He wouldn't call me to it. So I prayed that He would show me how to structure my day so that I learn to fit it all in. Someone once told me God put 24 hours in a day for a very specific reason... it's not too few and not too many. So somehow, there MUST be a way to get it all in. I just need to seek Him and have Him show me how to do it. It can't be in my own strength or I will always come up short.
When we got back home, I handed the boys their burgers, started Anchor's bottle, and turned on some worship music. After finally getting the boys in bed, I went to work cleaning the house. I was supposed to meet Melissa for Bible study, but I asked her to postpone. I hated that my screwup affected her, but I felt it was important to show Kenny I heard him and I was truly sorry for letting things get so bad. There really was no excuse.
Tonight I learned how much Kenny depends on me to be a good housewife, just like I depend on him to provide for us. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be checking out at the grocery store only to find there's no money in the account. Or to have my card declined at the gas station when my car is completely empty. We live in a gorgeous home and want for very little, thanks to Kenny's good stewardship of the money/resources God has given us. I want to pull the same weight on my end. The Lord showed me I can't focus so much on being mom (or worse, my own selfish desires to look good) that I lose sight of what I was created to be... Kenny's helpmate! Even though spending time with the boys is good and important, it's not to be above keeping the house warm and welcoming for Kenny to come home to. I should make sure his needs are met first, and then take care of the children.
God forgive me for being so selfish! I'm sorry for allowing my selfish desires to look good and get back in shape stand in the way of doing what You've created me to do. I know You have the answers for how to structure my day so that the house is clean and welcoming when Kenny gets home, dinner is prepared, AND the kids feel loved and nurtured because I've spent time with them too. It seems impossible to me Lord, but I know with Your wisdom, guidance, and strength, I can do anything. Show me what needs to be cut from my day... time on my phone/computer, nap, running errands, etc. What should my priorities be and in what order? Help me remember to start each day by asking You what You have for me. I don't want to continue down this path of selfishness. Teach me to be what You created me to be, Your daughter, Kenny's helpmate, and then boymom. This season of raising young children is so, so short. When my days seem long and overwhelming, remind me that what I'm doing matters to You. I want to give it my all. I need You, God. I desperately, desperately need You. The struggle is real... but You are the answer!
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