climbing mount everest

I feel like I'm at the foot of Mt. Everest.  Like we're beginning a long, uphill battle.  But instead of having the proper training, education, and physical ability, I'm uninformed, overwhelmed, and physically weak. The only thing I know for sure is God is on our side and He WILL fight on our behalf! I've seen it before... I've physically seen Him move mountains and do the impossible! It brings tears to my eyes remembering how capable He is when all hope seems lost. I'm clinging to those miracles I've witnessed and pressing on, stepping out into deep, unknown territory.

We've recently noticed some attachment issues with Joshua.  Honestly, I feel I've seen it for a long time and just refused to believe it was true.  I desperately wanted to believe that once we adopted Joshua it would be smooth sailing. That because we were a loving, Christian family everything would be perfect... having an adopted child would be just like having our own biological child.

But I was so wrong. This is only the beginning. The beginning of therapy, support groups, meeting with other adoptive families for direction, encouragement, and wisdom... and lots of prayer! Not to mention unlimited financial resources.  I'm so thankful the Lord has provided for us and that Kenny has more than enough work to keep him busy.  But right now it's hard to see how our time and money spent will pay off.

How can a counselor help my 4 year old?
He doesn't understand so much of what I tell him, what good will counseling do?
How can he remember what happened to him at 6 months, or 12 months? That can't possibly still be affecting him!
He just needs more discipline... or does he need more love?
Doesn't he know I'm his mother and I'll keep him safe? I've told him a thousand times!
Why can't I ever satisfy this child's hunger?
Why does he ask everyone for food instead of me?
Why does he warm up so quickly to strangers and completely ignore me when they're around?
Why is he having so much trouble obeying?
Do I find Christian counselors or adoption counselors?
Do Kenny and I need therapy, or just Joshua, or both?
Does he need a neuropsychological evaluation?
Does he need medication?
Can't I just pray over this situation and let God handle it?

So many questions running through my mind! I don't know where to start.  I want someone to come alongside us, take our hand, and sh
ow us step by step what to do. What are the good resources? What is money well spent?  What are we doing wrong, what (if anything) are we doing right?

I've been given a thousand books but they all seem to pertain to international adoptions or children that have been in and out of foster homes for years.  I know several adoption agencies require parenting/attachment classes.  Ummmm... I'm about to have a baby in fourteen weeks! I don't have time for classes! And this needs attention now!

It's been about a week of emailing, asking around, praying, and searching for answers and I've finally got some direction.

Counseling through Christian Works.  Their therapists work with children and couples and use Theraplay (will have to expand on that later when I find out what it is).  They were recommended to us through Denton Bible Church. It won't be cheap but I'm trusting the Lord will provide.

Support from:
Melissa - dear friend who lives down the street; has 1 biological and 1 adopted
Bridget - family friend of Wrights; has 2 biological children and 4 adopted
Meg - child diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder)
Amy - my former mentor; has 2 biological children and 2 adopted 
*I'm hoping to meet a few more moms who live near HV that could form a support group/prayer team.  It's definitely going to take one to get me through this!

Books:
Attaching in Adoption
Toddler Adoption
The Connected Child


Bridget wrote me an email earlier today describing her experience with her now eighteen year old daughter whom they adopted at age three.  The things she described could be Joshua:
-went to anyone who was nice to her
-did not know how to live in a family and did whatever they could to gain attention
-often disobedient and untruthful
-did not seem to have a sense of right and wrong
-did not view them as mother and father which made it difficult to bond

Her solutions:
-establish myself first as his mother, not as his disciplinarian
-establish a nurturing bond rather than a disciplinarian bond
-show him affection and love and praise, even though I don't feel those things strongly right now
-hold him often and cuddled him even when I don't feel like it
-try to be more understanding and to give more grace when he misbehaves

Those things are SOOOO much easier said than done.  I know I have to be the "bigger person" and fight my frustration and aggravation with his behavior and lack of bonding.  He's only four, I can't expect him to be the one to attach first. 

But just to put a cherry on top, Anchor is coming in fourteen weeks (or less) along with unbalanced hormones and possible jealousy from Joshua and Maverick. 

Could this mountain get any taller!?!?

All I can keep saying to myself is "Lord I need You, oh I need You, every hour I need You"

I know He wants to show me I cannot get through one day, or even one hour, without Him.  I'm beyond grateful for His grace and mercies that are new each morning, His wisdom and direction, and His promise that He will never leave us.  I've been through enough trials to know it won't always be easy, but I am not alone. 

So I'm putting on the armor of God, and mustering up faith as small as a mustard seed, and I will climb this mountain!