He is faithful

I FINALLY had a breakthrough!

The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.

FINALLY.

The key:  spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.

Oh what a dry season I have been through!  Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.

Looking back, I see that I shut down.  I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses.  Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew.  Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew.  I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time.  And sure enough, 2016 came and went.

But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood.  I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow.  I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.

So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system).  Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:


January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)

January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me 

January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting

January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me

January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises

January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too


Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write.  How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!?   About motherhood?  About life and joy?  About purpose?

ALL of them.

How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!

My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!

BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me!  I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.

I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)

God has done His part.  He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua.  I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.

In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it.  I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.

The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table 
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too

Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them.  What more peace can there be?!  There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.

So there it is:  "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest."  (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)

Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily.  While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance.  I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me.  I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith.  As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year.  But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father.  I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me.  But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.

I know He will continue to be faithful.

Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother.  This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves.  It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day.  I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.