where are you, God?

Is there an option to quit parenting?  To admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not cut out to be a parent.  All I know is I must be doing more harm than good.

We have been having always had behavior problems with Joshua.  Not the typical "no one is perfect," "children will be children, boys will be boys" problems.  But a genuine inability to obey, and the attitude that comes along with that.

At this point, I'm desperately trying to figure out the reasons why so that I can find a solution.  But in the meantime, life goes on.  We still have to go out in public, to play dates, church, birthday parties, field trips, etc.  And I'm done.  My relationship with Joshua has been so hurt and damaged that I don't want to go anywhere with him.

I'm tired of being humiliated. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I'm tired of being made out to be a mean mommy. I'm tired of the long talks about obedience just to be completely ignored. I'm tired of seeing him light up to be around other children's mommy's because he just can't stand to be with me. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship. I'm tired of caring so much just to be hurt over and over and over and over again.  I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, when deep down I just want to shout:

"I GIVE UP, GOD! YOU ARE the PERFECT PARENT... I am not. 

YOU HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... I do not. 

YOU ARE MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS, 

SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE... 

I am weak, angry, tired, and hurting. 

WHEN WILL YOU SHOW UP?

WHEN WILL YOU MOVE?

WHEN WILL YOU ACT on Joshua's behalf?

INTERVENE, GOD... before I ruin this child for good.

His very name means SAVED BY GOD...

so SAVE him from me... his mommy who is at the end of her rope, unable to give any more. 

I know you have AMAZING plans for this precious boy.

I just don't see how I fit into them. 

I'm simply in the way.

I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for intervention, for the knitting together of our hearts, for healing in our relationship.  I have sought wisdom and read books and tried so many different things. 

Yet You stay silent."

WHY!?!?!?!?

What do you want from me?  

This situation is affecting my marriage, family, and friendships.  It's constantly on my mind but only breeds more confusion and frustration.  

I need a breakthrough, Father God.  I'm begging to see You move... in a mighty way, in a small way... PLEASE just MOVE!

Put Kenny and I on the same page.

Show me the book to read... because NONE of them matter if they aren't from You.

Give me a Word.

Lead me to a mom who has walked this road and found success.  

Supernaturally mend our relationship. 

Give me answers to my daily struggles: where do I take him? what do I do with him? how can I invest in him in a way that pleases You and brings change?  how can I show him how much I deeply, truly, genuinely love him... but I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Lord, you used Joshua in the Bible to bring down the walls of Jericho. Use my Joshua to tear down the walls that I have put up in my heart. No matter how silly and strange it sounds... show him, show me, show US what to do. I know he's only five, but I REFUSE to believe you cannot work in and through him.  

I surrender this to You. I trust You with my heart... my pain, my fears, my weakness, and weary soul.  

Please God... break down my walls, in JESUS name!

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen... By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days." Hebrews 11: 1, 30

grafted

I am loving, let me say it again, LOVING this tabs system for reading the Bible. It has brought me such joy and delight and I truly look forward to it every day.  God is just so cool!

It amazes me that the Bible, written thousands of years ago, can still apply to us today.  And no matter how many times we read it, He will always be faithful to show us something new.  There's enough material that it never gets old!

We heard a sermon in church on Sunday from David Barton about how well our founding fathers knew the Bible.  It blew me away!  We know so little and it's one of the reasons our country is spiraling out of control.  God has been faithful to show me that what He says in Joshua 1 is foundational to our success in life: "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."  This is our family verse for this year, and the tabs system has helped us implement God's command. For the first time in a long time, we are BOTH reading His Word daily, taking notes, and being careful to apply it to our lives... something only God gets credit for!

Today I was reading in Acts 13 about how salvation is offered to the Jew first and then the Gentiles (vs 46-47). The Lord showed me this is how I should view my relationship with Joshua. He has been chosen by God to be grafted into our family, to magnify His kindness and sovereignty.  He is NOT an afterthought, or second best.  I am to welcome him with open arms, just as the father to the prodigal son did. It was never God's design for us to raise someone else's child. But He is a redemptive God with unfailing, unconditional love for all.  I have been grafted into His family and receive all the benefits as a daughter of the Most High God.  No amount of love, blessing, or promise is withheld from me, even though I am not a Jew.  As a Wright, Joshua now shares in the root of our family... which means gaining a daddy, mommy, brothers, extended family, love and acceptance, and most importantly Jesus Christ... all things he did not have before.  Nothing is to be withheld from him.

These were powerful words for me today as I continue seeking Him and His purpose in bringing Joshua into our family.  I know it serves many purposes, including our sanctification and to show us our Father's heart.  He is so, so good!

I love the words to this song "No Longer Slaves."  How humbled and grateful I am to be a child of God. My prayers are that Joshua will know the depths of the love of his heavenly Father and that our bond will be strengthened and irreplaceable.

You unravel me with a melody, You surround me with a song 

Of deliverance from my enemies, 'til all my fears are gone

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

From my mother's womb, You have chosen me, love has called my name

I've been born again, into Your family, Your blood flows through my veins

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

You split the sea so I could walk right through it

My fears were drowned in perfect love

You rescued me, And I could stand and sing

I am a child of God

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

feel it coming on

Back in 2012, I wrote a post about how I felt like I was slipping into a valley.  Part of the Christian walk is sanctification. It's painful. It's raw. It's hard. But it's life giving. It's God loving us so incredibly much that He refines us in the fire to make us more like Him.

I feel like I'm unraveling... ripping at the seams. I can't do it all. I can't keep it all together.  God's been tugging at my heart for a few weeks.  It started when I realized my priorities were all messed up.    Since then, I've been thinking about all that is expected of me... cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, spending time with each one (kids and husband), activities, exercise, etc.

It's honestly made me depressed because I know I can't do it all.  So I went to my doctor and asked him to do a full blood panel to see where my hormones, thyroid, and vitamin levels were at. I'll get those results in two weeks.  But while I was there, he told me to "give yourself grace.  You're in a difficult stage of life having three kids under five, all in diapers, with a high needs baby.  It's hard for anyone and you don't have to have it all together. I've seen so many moms in here that are your age and learning to handle three. It's normal."

Then I went to a friends house and told her I was struggling adjusting to three. Again, she said "give yourself grace.  Do what you need to do to stay sane... put kids in daycare, have a sitter come watch them so you can get out for a few hours, hire a maid.  It's worth your sanity in the end."

I had a horrible workout at the gym yesterday, nothing seemed to go right, and I left feeling fat, weak, and defeated. My sister said "give yourself grace! We all have hard workouts."

Today at gymnastics, I saw behavior in Joshua that frustrated me to no end!  He was constantly bouncing up and down, trying to get attention from the teacher. He hit another child and was put in timeout, and he sat there repeatedly asking "when can I get up?" Totally obnoxious and horrifyingly embarrassing.  I pulled him from the class and called my mom.  After remembering he was also difficult at Cubbies last night, I realized he probably has ADHD and super impulsive and just can't control himself.  I've taught students exactly like him.  As a teacher, they are a nightmare because they require so much attention, drain all of your energy, and take away from the rest of the class. So my first thought was, put him on medication!  I'll have a different child and maybe my life will finally be easier.

But I've always been on the fence about medicating children for attention issues, especially this young. So I called my mom, who raised my ADD brother and experienced medication firsthand. She agreed that Joshua is hyperactive but she said my goal should be to teach him how to manage that.  At his age, I just need to constantly be aware of how he can expend his energy.  Instead of just putting him outside and shutting the door, I should play soccer with him, ride bikes, go on walks, jump on the trampoline, set up relays and obstacle courses. She also encouraged me to have a routine.  These are things I know from working at Shelton and can easily implement.  Instead of wanting a different child, she encouraged me to be a different mom... the one God created and has molded me to be for Joshua. My training and time at Shelton (and passion for special needs children) had a very specific purpose, as did my years of infertility, and all my years living in a homeschool family.  I've begged the Lord to help me attach to Joshua.  And somehow, I know this is going to draw us closer together.

But it won't be easy.  My time is so torn right now between tending to the house, spending time with Anchor so he can develop muscles to sit up and crawl, homeschooling, training Maverick, etc.  How can I possibly add one more thing to the list?!?!

I feel like the "give yourself grace" comments are a copout.  We all have struggles and have to learn how to juggle life.  We can't just sit around waiting for the problems to fix themselves.

So where does this leave me?!?  Desperate for more of Christ.  I absolutely cannot do this by myself.  But God has given me Himself, and a supportive husband, family, and friends.  Through Him, I can learn how to raise a special needs, adopted child, as well as our two other boys (who will have their own struggles and needs).  So I may be entering a valley, but I am not alone.  I thought of the song "Feel It Coming On" by delirious.  Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me today:

"Reach inside of me, deeper than before.
Would You tear away this old man, bring peace to this old war.
See Your piercing eyes, burn me like a fire.
If You have me I will run, to finish all that You've begun. 

Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as You walk into the darkest night.
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk beneath Your shining light.
Hold me, hold me, will You come? To be with me when the day is done?
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk into Your burning light."

I'm so thankful He's here.  This is truly an answer to my prayers.  Not at all the one I was expecting.  But one that sounds exactly like my God. He doesn't give us the easy way... He gives us what will bring us closer to Him and make us more like Christ.  Oh how grateful I am He doesn't just give us what we want!  Yes, my days are long and hard.  But I am choosing joy!

Thank You God for tearing away the ugly parts of me.  Thank You for being faithful to complete the work You began in me.  Thank You that I'll never walk alone.  Thank You for Your shining light.  This mountain I am climbing is still so high, still so steep.  But You are not in a hurry, You're not going anywhere, and You aren't letting me quit.  You are gently teaching me, leading me, loving me, pushing me, encouraging me, changing me.  I know I won't recognize myself once I reach the top.  I pray that I'll see You instead! Oh how eager I am to see the fruit that this produces and how You will use this for good, for Your glory.

climbing mount everest

I feel like I'm at the foot of Mt. Everest.  Like we're beginning a long, uphill battle.  But instead of having the proper training, education, and physical ability, I'm uninformed, overwhelmed, and physically weak. The only thing I know for sure is God is on our side and He WILL fight on our behalf! I've seen it before... I've physically seen Him move mountains and do the impossible! It brings tears to my eyes remembering how capable He is when all hope seems lost. I'm clinging to those miracles I've witnessed and pressing on, stepping out into deep, unknown territory.

We've recently noticed some attachment issues with Joshua.  Honestly, I feel I've seen it for a long time and just refused to believe it was true.  I desperately wanted to believe that once we adopted Joshua it would be smooth sailing. That because we were a loving, Christian family everything would be perfect... having an adopted child would be just like having our own biological child.

But I was so wrong. This is only the beginning. The beginning of therapy, support groups, meeting with other adoptive families for direction, encouragement, and wisdom... and lots of prayer! Not to mention unlimited financial resources.  I'm so thankful the Lord has provided for us and that Kenny has more than enough work to keep him busy.  But right now it's hard to see how our time and money spent will pay off.

How can a counselor help my 4 year old?
He doesn't understand so much of what I tell him, what good will counseling do?
How can he remember what happened to him at 6 months, or 12 months? That can't possibly still be affecting him!
He just needs more discipline... or does he need more love?
Doesn't he know I'm his mother and I'll keep him safe? I've told him a thousand times!
Why can't I ever satisfy this child's hunger?
Why does he ask everyone for food instead of me?
Why does he warm up so quickly to strangers and completely ignore me when they're around?
Why is he having so much trouble obeying?
Do I find Christian counselors or adoption counselors?
Do Kenny and I need therapy, or just Joshua, or both?
Does he need a neuropsychological evaluation?
Does he need medication?
Can't I just pray over this situation and let God handle it?

So many questions running through my mind! I don't know where to start.  I want someone to come alongside us, take our hand, and sh
ow us step by step what to do. What are the good resources? What is money well spent?  What are we doing wrong, what (if anything) are we doing right?

I've been given a thousand books but they all seem to pertain to international adoptions or children that have been in and out of foster homes for years.  I know several adoption agencies require parenting/attachment classes.  Ummmm... I'm about to have a baby in fourteen weeks! I don't have time for classes! And this needs attention now!

It's been about a week of emailing, asking around, praying, and searching for answers and I've finally got some direction.

Counseling through Christian Works.  Their therapists work with children and couples and use Theraplay (will have to expand on that later when I find out what it is).  They were recommended to us through Denton Bible Church. It won't be cheap but I'm trusting the Lord will provide.

Support from:
Melissa - dear friend who lives down the street; has 1 biological and 1 adopted
Bridget - family friend of Wrights; has 2 biological children and 4 adopted
Meg - child diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder)
Amy - my former mentor; has 2 biological children and 2 adopted 
*I'm hoping to meet a few more moms who live near HV that could form a support group/prayer team.  It's definitely going to take one to get me through this!

Books:
Attaching in Adoption
Toddler Adoption
The Connected Child


Bridget wrote me an email earlier today describing her experience with her now eighteen year old daughter whom they adopted at age three.  The things she described could be Joshua:
-went to anyone who was nice to her
-did not know how to live in a family and did whatever they could to gain attention
-often disobedient and untruthful
-did not seem to have a sense of right and wrong
-did not view them as mother and father which made it difficult to bond

Her solutions:
-establish myself first as his mother, not as his disciplinarian
-establish a nurturing bond rather than a disciplinarian bond
-show him affection and love and praise, even though I don't feel those things strongly right now
-hold him often and cuddled him even when I don't feel like it
-try to be more understanding and to give more grace when he misbehaves

Those things are SOOOO much easier said than done.  I know I have to be the "bigger person" and fight my frustration and aggravation with his behavior and lack of bonding.  He's only four, I can't expect him to be the one to attach first. 

But just to put a cherry on top, Anchor is coming in fourteen weeks (or less) along with unbalanced hormones and possible jealousy from Joshua and Maverick. 

Could this mountain get any taller!?!?

All I can keep saying to myself is "Lord I need You, oh I need You, every hour I need You"

I know He wants to show me I cannot get through one day, or even one hour, without Him.  I'm beyond grateful for His grace and mercies that are new each morning, His wisdom and direction, and His promise that He will never leave us.  I've been through enough trials to know it won't always be easy, but I am not alone. 

So I'm putting on the armor of God, and mustering up faith as small as a mustard seed, and I will climb this mountain!