two geraniums and some lavender

It all started with two geraniums and some lavender.

We built our dream home almost two years ago.  Some days I still can't believe this is my life... not just the house, but the husband, THREE boys, and our home.  I never could've imagined it, and I definitely wouldn't have believed it if you told me.

But God!

Kenny (probably desperate to get out of the house... thank you coronavirus) set out for Calloway's to buy some shrubs for behind our pool deck.  He came home with a truck bed full of shrubs and some extra flowers for my pots on the front porch.  Two geraniums and some lavender.  I planted them immediately and something stirred deep within my soul.

I saw pure beauty.

Living in a house doesn't make it a home.  It has to be intentionally planned, created... cultivated.  And I want our home to be a place of beauty, comfort, safety, and peace.

So I started dreaming again... about something for me! Not because my family wanted to, not because my boys wanted to. ** But because I had a passion for it.  This is huge for me.

I thought of knockout rose bushes in front of our master bedroom windows and some basil/rosemary... small and manageable.

But God!

We went to Calloway's and I found my roses/herbs plus so much more. 

Calloway's Nursery

My favorite find was this adorable owl pot!  My classroom was decorated with owls and I have collected many over the years.  Owls are also the mascot for our homeschool.  He was perfect for my basil!

Then I found elephant ears!!!  Be still my heart!  No they didn't fit with any of the landscape Kenny had already planned (and begun planting).  But I'm sure he agreed seeing the joy they brought me.  My sweet Maverick loves elephants and seeing these will remind me of him!

side note: A week after buying these, one of the leaves started to curl up and turn brown and I had seen the stems bend all the way down to the ground.  We went back to Calloway's and the guy helping me said the brown leaf was dying to allow new growth and that these plants can be kind of dramatic (aka droopy). I thought that was hilarious... and SO Maverick!

Finally, I found some pink knockout roses.  My heart was happy and I was ready to begin planting!

But God!

We stopped by Home Depot and Kenny went down the vegetable aisle of the plant area.  Tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, hatch chiles, cucumbers, a fig tree!!! Mmmmm.... we could almost taste the freshness! We both looked at each other and said "let's start a garden!"

And that was it.

We came home and Kenny designed some gorgeous three raised beds (3'x10') right outside of the master bedroom.  And I began designing the garden.  I've finally embraced YouTube and learned about companion planting and incorporating flowers/herb into my garden.

Our soil is mostly clay, so digging up holes twice the size of my rose buckets was a task I could not do alone.  It took Kenny most of the day.  At bedtime, I set the roses down in the holes (so I could visualize better) and went to bed eager to finish the next day.  That night a huge Texas thunderstorm blew through and when we woke up, the roses were drowning in holes full of water.

I set them out to dry and meanwhile mixed some potting soil (equal parts peat moss, top soil, and perlite).  During my several sweaty trips around the house and yard with the wheelbarrow gathering tools and mixing soils, Joshua tagged along eager to help.  He noticed my sweat and "work" face and apologized that this was such hard work.  I realized it was quite the contrary!  It felt so good!!!  God created us not just to do work, but to find joy in it! (Ecclesiastes 2:24)  There was something so gratifying about putting in all the effort and then sitting back to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Anchor's red petunias (his favorite color) and
he wanted them planted next to their daddy (geraniums)!

There are so many lessons in the Bible that refer to planting, toiling and harvesting, sowing and reaping, deep roots, and bearing fruit.  As I remember my verse for this year (Psalm 37:3), I can't help but smile at what God knew He was doing.  His dreams far exceeded my own!  While I know I have my work cut out for me, I know the joy and reward will be worth it.  And I know I'll learn many lessons along the way as I cultivate my faithfulness... and my garden!


**I want to be clear: I LOVE being a mama bear and feel blessed to be able to stay home and homeschool.  It's another dream come true for me. But I've seen so many homeschooling mothers put their EVERYTHING into their kids and schooling.  And then their kids grow up and leave.  Kenny and I have talked a lot recently about being careful not to lose sight of who I am and who God created me to be aside from "homeschooling mommy."  Plus, gardening can be a great educational experience! Sounds like a win win.

planks and Israelites

This has been a rough week for me emotionally... and as I'm writing this I realized my eating habits have tanked along with my emotions (plus I started my cycle).  I guess it's best to get this all over with at the same time... right?!?

We have been visiting a church called Redeemer Denton for about two months.  My heart says to jump all in - become members, serve, join Bible studies, support them financially, etc.  I'm in love... but also strongly feel this is where the Lord wants us right now.

Kenny does not feel the same way.

At all.

It's written all over his face, shows through his body language, and even in his words when others ask about it.  It's so obvious (and awkward!) that he's not in love.

And yet we continue to go.

There have been churches where after one visit he refused to go back.  So I'm thankful that hasn't been his response with Redeemer.

But it also leaves me feeling so confused.

He acts like a robot when we go... like it's an obligation he has to do to fulfill his Christian duties.  To be honest, it hurts.

I know he's swamped right now with work and I can't imagine the burden of having to provide for a family.  This may just be a season where all he can do work and he's trusting me with the rest - disciplining the children, choosing the church, planning our weekends, etc.

I'm grateful he trusts me enough to let me lead... but it's a weight I don't want to carry.

So I've nagged, and begged, and pleaded, and talked (and talked and talked and talked) about the confirmations I feel the Lord has shown me.  I *thought* I was doing good by sharing with Kenny what the Lord was showing me. I *thought* there was no way that could be considered "nagging" because it was from God. I wanted to be the Holy Spirit... I wanted God to need me to change Kenny's heart.

Wrong.

I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. And God doesn't need me to do anything.

All I've managed to do is shut Kenny down and push him further and further away from the church.

Oh how my heart aches over my wrong doing. I've had a pit in my stomach all week. I wish so badly to go back and change my actions. But all I can do is repent and trust the Lord with how this situation will play out... in His perfect timing!

We had a long, but really good talk about it earlier this week.  Kenny feels that if we're arguing so much about becoming members, it must not be the right time.  This means we have to wait 6 more months before the next membership class. I'm fine waiting, if that's what the Lord wants.  I'm fine leaving the church, if that's what He says.  I'm fine not going to church at all... if God confirms that.  I just want Kenny to seek His face!!  If I have to submit, I want him to lead!  Why is that so difficult?!?!?!

I'm thankful that he has been blessed with so much work. But I just don't feel like the Lord would want Kenny to take on so many jobs that he can't lead us well and spend time in prayer.  Let me add that he *does* lead us well. He is a great husband and father... very protective and hard working and trusts the Lord no matter what. He is my deeply rooted man of faith! I think I've just been to focused on the speck in his eye that I haven't seen the plank in my own.

I think the Lord has tried to teach me this lesson a million times.  Oh how I am so like the Israelites. But our verse for this year is "how long will you put off...?"  Looks like now is the time for battle... and the Lord has promised victory!!
(P.S. I love how He has shown me this applies to more areas than just my attachment with Joshua.)

Lord this is so so hard! Waiting on You but wanting to do and say so much in the meantime.  Help me with my impatience. Help me to find You and see Your hand even in the waiting. Search my heart and show me my own plank... what can I be working on in the meantime? I'm so sorry Lord for nagging instead of patiently waiting on You. I don't want to be like the Israelites any more. Help me change! Show me how to be supportive, trusting, and encouraging to Kenny. Thank You for victory in this area. 

Thank You for a husband who knows his calling well. Thank You that I've never had to ask him to provide. Thank You for his faith and strong foundation. 

we have plans

It's been exactly a year since we "bought a little piece of paradise."

So I figured it was time for an update.

At the beginning of this year, Kenny decided to buy an addtional half acre of land.  We just closed on the new section and are ready to build!!!

Kenny has been working on these plans since we bought the lot. I remember wondering why on earth he started working on them so early... now I know. There have been hundreds of revisions, going back and forth about what to keep and what to delete, the layout, the square footage, the roof line, the elevation, etc.  I never knew how much was involved in making a set of plans.

We are SO grateful to Terry Holmes for spending countless hours (in his spare time) working with us, listening to us, and drawing up the most beautiful house I've ever seen... our dream home!

I told Kenny as he showed me plans, they didn't look right but I didn't know what was wrong/missing. To me, it was just a house.  Kenny was frustrated with how heavy it seemed on one side, or how the flow wasn't just right.  But no matter what issue we had, Terry patiently and brilliantly worked until he found a solution. Once Kenny showed me the *final* set of plans, my jaw dropped and I knew this was our home!

front

back

side

We'll have 4 bedrooms, 4.5 baths, a large kitchen/den area for entertaining, a school room, an office, and maybe one day a media room.

first floor 

second floor

Our prayers are that this home would be a place where God is glorified, people are always welcome, and family is protected and strengthened. We have had dreams of hosting youth group events since we dated. I have many other ideas of what we could do, but we'll see where the Lord takes us.

I'm looking forward to claiming this land and stepping into what the Lord has for us in Hickory Creek.

If I haven't said it before, this is truly a dream come true!  We are beyond grateful for how He has blessed us, and pray that this would all be used for His glory and His alone.

I plan to have a dedication day and invite family/friends to write scriptures on the walls.  Stay tuned!

providence

providence (noun) - the protective care of God

We've recently felt the Lord calling us to change churches.  This is huge for us because we *loved* Gateway.  I didn't have anything negative to say about it... other than the distance.  But in a metroplex as large as DFW, it seems like everything is a fifteen to twenty minute drive, minimum!

It started when we were in Abilene with Mollie and Eric.  During dinner, they were talking about the pastor of Bethel Church, Bill Johnson.  They had read articles calling him a heretic.  This shocked both Kenny and me, because we love Bethel Music.  Kenny didn't care to get too deep into conversation but came home and started researching Pastor Morris, from Gateway.

What we found was deeply upsetting.  Yet for the first time, it caused us both to research (on our own) what we believe and why.

I've heard about the "prosperity gospel" from John Piper, and have never been in support of it. However, I have a hard time deciphering what is and is not "prosperity" teaching.  I know Joel Osteen is, but would never have put Robert Morris in the same category.  Joel spoke at Gateway several years back and it bothered me greatly, but I couldn't figure it out.  Gateway had also brought in speakers like Jimmy Evans and Max Lucado.  How could they have such different speakers, with different beliefs, speak at their church?

We read many articles about Morris and how his teaching lines up with the prosperity gospel.  After thinking about it, I realized how little he talked about the gospel and our desperate need for a savior. At the end of his sermon, he would encourage people to accept Jesus, but there was no clear explanation of the gospel - how we are all sinners, and by God's grace alone (and His sovereign choosing) are we saved through belief in Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for our sins.

I learned how to detect the prosperity gospel (see here).  And to not pick a church because of how I feel, but because of what we believe.

So we looked at several churches, reading line by line their beliefs/convictions, and tried to narrow it down.  I then made a pro/con list, thinking that would make it clear.  But no one church stood out to us.  We ended up visiting a church a few weeks ago, but felt the preaching was weak.

The following weekend, I pressured (nagged, I'm ashamed to say) Kenny into picking a church for us to try.  I finally realized forcing him was not right either.  So I told him we could take a few weeks off to pray about it.

On Monday, I went to CG and asked a guy (Josh) who had talked about pastoring a start up church where it was located.  He gave me his card and I planned to look it up, but the day got away from me.

On Tuesday, we were hitting a wall in school and I needed a break.  I decided to look up the church.

It's called Redeemer Church of Denton and they're located in South Denton... 8 (yes, EIGHT) minutes away from where we are building.  My spirit jumped inside me and with each page I clicked on, I got more excited about it.

1. They teach exegetically - what I've longed for and missed!
2. They have a heart and desire to reach their city... not because they have the answers, but because Jesus does.
3. It is endorsed by Tom Nelson (pastor at Denton Bible Church) and supported by The Village Church. (these are the two churches we had narrowed it down to)
4. One service - 10:30 on Sunday. Kenny has always preferred the early service.  But I'm wondering if this will be good for us... to intentionally make time for the Sabbath.  I'm thinking big breakfasts, church, lunch, naps, and more family time.
5. It's small, currently 100 in attendance on average.  I was reading Job 29 on Monday and felt the Lord encourage me to pray these verses over Kenny... that he would be a helper to the poor, father to the fatherless, give wisdom and council, and remain deeply rooted in the Lord. Janette has told me that a prophetic word was spoken over Kenny years ago that he would be an elder in the church one day.  Because this is a start up church, I feel like Kenny has a lot to offer and more opportunities to be used however the Lord wills.
6. Because of it's size, Kenny was concerned for their lack of funds.  But I feel like with our tithe God could do so much more and it will go so much further at Redeemer than it ever could at Gateway.
7. In our research, we learned that if no church in the area meets our needs, to gather people and meet in a home.  With this church being so small, it feels like that.
8. Opportunities to start ministries are endless - choir, adoption, homeschool, youth, etc.
9. We were put in Hickory Creek "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14)... being just eight minutes from the church opens the door for many gatherings.
10. Kids ministry is small - so our kids are in classes with multi-age children. This is a Montessori concept and I truly believe in it. It's so cool to see the older kids help the younger, and encourages the younger to be more mature.

The entire time I was looking at the website, I kept hearing the word "providence."  This is not coincidence.  I was pushing, nagging, begging Kenny to decide.  And once I let it go, and told him to take the time he needed, this literally fell in our laps.  It never pulled up in my research.  God perfectly planned me to start CG, meet Josh, and switch churches within a few months.

My prayer is that we would become involved, serve as a family, and reach our neighborhood for the glory of God.  We long for people to do life with, and being part of a church that is so close makes that easier.  I remind my boys often of our motto: "Wrights are lights."  But it's harder to shine when everyone around is already a light.  Denton is a lost city.  And we've lived near Denton for most of our married life.  Hickory Creek puts us the closest we've ever been.  Since we are building our "forever" home, I think it's time we find our "forever church."  Oh how I pray Redeemer Denton becomes that for us.

Lord, I thank You for Your providence. Your beautiful, sovereign, perfect providence.  I thank You for leading us to this church. I pray Your blessings over the church, that they would reach the city of Denton and win many over to Christ. Help them to be Your hands and feet, to serve as You served and love as You loved. May they always be a bright light on a dark hill. Purpose their every step and move to align with Your will.  Show us if this is where You want us. Continue to give us clear confirmation and direction. It doesn't matter how much I love it, if it's not where You want us, we don't want to be there. Prepare our hearts to visit on Sunday. Open our eyes and hearts to see this church and these people through Your eyes. In Jesus name, Amen.

adventure

This past weekend, we celebrated our eleventh anniversary!  Last year, I was eight months pregnant with Anchor so we were extremely limited in what we could do.  This year, with three little ones at home, I knew we couldn't go far. But at least I could participate!!

Kenny planned an amazing trip to the Austin/Hill Country area. I'm so proud of him for planning everything. It was one of our best trips yet!

On Thursday, we drove to Austin and checked in at the Omni Barton Creek.

We then headed out for a hike... yes, hike in 100+ degree weather! This is something I typically would have said no to. But I've been so excited for this trip, I was truly up for anything and determined I would keep a positive attitude.

I'm SO thankful I did!

We hiked at the Barton Creek Greenbelt. Most of the hike was shaded, steep, and absolutely gorgeous! Unfortunately, it was dry. This is what we saw:

 This is what it looks like when it's rained:

But the experience was exhilarating! I couldn't believe I was in good enough shape to hike in Texas in the summer. And man, what a creative God we serve!!

Next we drove to Lake Travis to go jet skiing. Many of our summers dating and as newlyweds were spent on the lake.  We fell in love on the lake, had our rehearsal dinner at the lake, and live near the lake. It was such a beautiful reminder of how we spent our time getting to know each other and that we have such similar interests.

We then found a non-chain restaurant that had great reviews. We love trying new, hole-in-the-wall places. It was called The Grove and had a beautiful, gigantic oak tree lit up with Christmas lights! We wanted to sit outside, but it was just too hot. We had yummy bruschetta, pizza, and a flight of cabernet sauvignon wine tasting. With tummy's and heart's full, we headed back to the hotel for a good night's sleep (one thing we don't take for granted anymore).

On the second day, we met some good friends for breakfast. They live in Dallas but happened to be in Austin the same weekend. We then drove to The Blue Hole and Jacob's Well but found out you can only get in with a reservation. While driving around trying to figure out where to go and what to do, we saw a new subdivision being built. Another thing Kenny and I have always enjoyed doing (but rarely time for) is looking at new home construction... especially spur of the moment!  So of course we stopped to look around and found this house, which is pretty similar in size to the one we hope to build.

We also passed at this really cool event venue that shares my maiden name... Thurman's Mansion! Maybe we can renew our vows there one day.

We finally decided to float the Comal River. I've always wanted to do this! It would've been more fun with friends and food, but it was so relaxing and just fun to be with my best friend on the water!

We definitely worked up an appetite and headed to the Gristmill in Gruene for lunch.  They have the best onion rings and burgers!  Next we headed to Hey Cupcake so I could get my favorite late night snack... I got the Michael Jackson! We went back to the hotel and had drinks by the pool.  Our hotel was really family friendly and played a movie at the pool, had a playground, and lots of kids/family activities. I hope to take the boys there someday, and really look forward to showing them a city that means so much to our family.

On Saturday, it was cloudy and we thought it was going to rain so we planned to just shop and take a slow drive home. We ate bagels at Wholy Bagel, another hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Afterwards, we drove to see Kenny's 101 year old grandmother! She suffers from dementia, but I was amazed at how she remembered Kenny. She LOVED seeing pictures of the boys. She has left such a legacy for them.  By the time we finished that, the sun was peeking through the clouds and we knew we'd regret not paddle boarding. So we headed to Lake Austin and had the time of our lives being on the water and trying something new, for both of us! Unfortunately, we left our phones in the car so I have no pictures/proof of this. The lake was calm and peaceful and oh so gorgeous! The trees in Austin are of their own breed... ginormous!! It was so therapeutic... I hope to own a board someday and go often enough that I can actually be good at it!

After paddle boarding, we went to Gueros - a restaurant that we visited often when in Austin for my doctor appointments and surgeries. It was such a different feeling being there without surgery looming over my head. I'm thankful this restaurant finally has good memories for me! We ordered the queso flameado and nachos, and of course margaritas!

By the end of lunch, Kenny was feeling pretty miserable from his allergies so we headed home. I felt so bad that I couldn't help with the drive, but I can't drive a standard... one more reason to learn how!

I was blown away by how God blessed this trip. We never fought and I completely fell head over heels in love with my man all over again.  This incredible man who took me out of my book-reading, nook-loving, rule-following comfort zone and showed me what adventure is! And I love that God has now blessed us with three boys who I know will also show me all about adventure... and I so look forward to adventuring with them!  We have had our rough times, as all couples do, but my steady, deeply rooted man has never lost his faith, always supported me, and always believed in us. I definitely married up!

I love you so incredibly much Mr. Wright. As I told you this weekend, it was so easy saying "yes" to you. Thank you for choosing me to join you on this crazy adventure and showing me how to live life to the fullest!

P.S. And a HUGE thanks to my mom and Kenny's parents for watching the boys. I loved seeing pictures of them having a great time as well. They are getting older and we loved talking to them at night and hearing "I love you!" and "When are you coming home?"  These are words I dreamed of hearing for so long, my heart is so incredibly full! Thank you again and again Lord for this anniversary trip, and the man and children you've so richly blessed me with.

we bought paradise

In August of 2014 we moved into our home in Highland Village.  Kenny remodeled it, and it's wonderful!! However, it's not our forever home.  The kitchen is small and we enjoy entertaining, and have large families.  We don't have a playroom/schoolroom so when friends come over, the kids are in the same den as the adults and it's difficult to have conversations or play games.  There's no guest room.  The boys' rooms are across from the master bedroom.  The bathrooms are tiny.  And I have no bathtub in the master bathroom.  But, we had plans to build a house on our lot in Forest Hills so these were all things I could live with temporarily.

Since then, I have absolutely fallen in love with this area!  I love how close I am to multiple grocery stores, shopping, parks, trails, the gym, etc.  It's great to be right off the highway so we can get to church/Dallas easily.  We've become really good friends with the Merrimans and the thought of moving away from them is heartbreaking.

So we put building a new home on hold and began praying about where the Lord wanted us.  Kenny is always looking at lots, either with clients or for possible business plans.  We talked about buying land across the bridge, up off 380, or in the Argyle area.  Kenny's thoughts were that there are already so many established builders in this area that he would need to move further north to have a chance to make a name for himself.  I'm not going to stand in the way of that!

Thanks to my emotions, I've been all over the place.  One day, I want to move back up to 380... mainly because I wanted land and that seemed to be the only place we could find an acre or more for a decent price.  The next day, I'd be willing to take a smaller lot so we could stay close to our friends. Then we'd walk through a house Kenny built, and I'd tell him I don't care how far it is, we just need land!  A few days later, I'd see Melissa and decide we can stay in our current home forever... I'd make it work even though we've clearly outgrown it.

Several days ago, Kenny had mentioned finding a two acre lot in Eagles Landing and I asked him to pray about it.  But I just kept getting the feeling that if we bought that lot, I'd basically be cutting the time I see my family in half.  It's just too far off the highway, which makes trips to/from Dallas a beating.  As much as I want land, I'm not ready to sacrifice the location to get it.  So I had resolved to just wait.

On Wednesday, we were out running errands when Kenny called and said "I might have just done something."  I had been tracking him and knew he had spent several hours in an area that looked like a park, so I figured he probably bought some land.  He continued, "I just bought us a little piece of paradise."

My heart skipped a beat and I wanted to pull over and hyperventilate.  "You couldn't talk about this with me first?!?"

"Oh, I won't need to ask you about this.  It's two acres, tons of trees, a small hill, place for a pond, backs up to the Corps of Engineers, and is surrounded by several other five acre tracks, and has a creek running through it."  I couldn't believe what I was hearing! "At the front of the subdivision, the developer is making several smaller lots that I could buy and build houses on as well.  There is a private drive that leads back to our lot, so we are completely isolated in the middle of the city. It's not even on the market yet, but I talked him into letting me buy it!"

Because I had been tracking Kenny, I knew where it was located.  Right off the highway, about two exits north of where we currently live, in Hickory Creek.  He was working on getting a contract and said we could see it after the boys napped.  It seemed like an eternity, but we finally loaded up and went to see it.

Kenny was right, it was our own paradise!

private road that leads back to our lot

I'm just completely in awe of the Lord's faithfulness and provision!  Kenny has shown me time and time again how important it is to be patient, and if we don't get what we want, it only means God has something better in mind.  I'm thankful for his patience and wisdom in leading our family.  This truly is the perfect location... we get our land, right in the middle of the city!  And we can have chickens, goats, and a donkey!

Kenny has been drawing plans for the house and this is one we both love!

I can't wait to post updates and walk through this process with Kenny.  I've seen so many houses that he's built for other people knowing someday I would get my chance.  And it's finally here!!!

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, LORD.  You are too good to us!

the struggle is real

I knew I'd struggle with three boys... but I didn't think it would be this hard.

How do I keep my priorities straight?

What should my priorities be?  Homeschooling over cleaning, or vice versa?  Exercise over healthy eating, or vice versa?  Playdates or staying home, or vice versa?  Bible study or sleep, or vice versa?

Tonight was rough, mainly because it ended with Kenny leaving the house mad, and me at home with three starving screaming boys and ten minutes until bedtime.

But let's back up a few hours.

Kenny had agreed to watch the boys so I could try Camp Gladiator with a friend.  It was an hour class that started at 5:15 so I knew I wouldn't be home until 6:30.  This is hands down the most difficult time of day:

• Anchor wants to be held constantly.  
• Dinner needs to be made... and if it's healthy, it requires more than just turning on the oven.
• Joshua and Maverick are competing for dad's attention and he's ready to wind down from a hard day of work.  
• I'm usually ready to run out of the house screaming, desperate for some peace and quiet. 

So I was grateful for the time to workout, especially knowing the sacrifice Kenny was making to watch all three boys at this time.

To make matters worse, the house was a wreck.  Toys were strewn everywhere, even though we had cleaned up a few hours earlier.  I had made plans to cook taco salad, but sorely underestimated my time, and therefore nothing was ready.  And Kenny had plans to meet a friend for dinner at 8, but needed to run a few errands first (unbeknownst to me).

After my workout, I saw a text from Kenny that said:

"I can not function with such a f***in messy house."

Ouch!  I knew I had been slacking and, although I hate to admit it, was waiting for him to mention something before getting my act together.  He had remained quiet about his frustration, but was now at his breaking point.

I pulled into the driveway at 6:40.  Kenny came out, fuming mad, and announced he needed to get a hair cut, get his car washed, and then sit in traffic to be to dinner by 8.  The boys had not eaten (because I didn't tell him what to make) and they were supposed to be in bed in 10 minutes.  AND Anchor was sitting in his swing, screaming.

Completely defeated, I walked inside and wanted to melt into a puddle and cry.  My six month old baby was screaming, desperately wanting to be held.  Joshua and Maverick were both begging for food and attention.  And the house truly was a disaster.  I couldn't believe I actually left with it looking so bad.

I had messed up... really, really bad.  And all I knew to do was pray.  Lord, show me what to do.  Okay, first things first.  My boys needed physical food, and fast.

I threw them in the car and drove up to Sonic.  ***I'm technically supposed to be on day 24 of Whole 30, a very clean eating plan.  However,  I decided I wanted to spend the last week of this learning how to incorporate Whole 30 into my life, my reality.  And tonight, fast food was more important than making my kids wait another hour so I could prepare a healthy meal (which should have already been made). Lesson learned.***  Along the way, I poured out my heart to the Lord.  I confessed that I had screwed up.  Working out can not happen when our home is a wreck, dinner is not ready, and the kids are needing some attention.  It just can't.  I don't want it to and don't feel like it should ever be a priority over managing the home.

I also told the Lord I can't seem to do it all!  How do I spend time helping Anchor learn to sit up (while constantly cleaning up his spit-up), playing with my Maverick, or homeschooling Joshua AND keep the house clean?!?  I feel like I live life in a constant daze, probably a little depressed, just hoping the hours pass by.  Anchor is our last baby and I hate that I just want this season to be over.  I'm so tired of being tied down to my house, and a schedule, and burp cloths and towels, and spit-up!  I just want to enjoy my arrows and this precious time with them, while keeping the other demands of life in balance.  It must be possible or He wouldn't call me to it.  So I prayed that He would show me how to structure my day so that I learn to fit it all in.  Someone once told me God put 24 hours in a day for a very specific reason... it's not too few and not too many.  So somehow, there MUST be a way to get it all in. I just need to seek Him and have Him show me how to do it.  It can't be in my own strength or I will always come up short.

When we got back home, I handed the boys their burgers, started Anchor's bottle, and turned on some worship music.  After finally getting the boys in bed, I went to work cleaning the house.  I was supposed to meet Melissa for Bible study, but I asked her to postpone.  I hated that my screwup affected her, but I felt it was important to show Kenny I heard him and I was truly sorry for letting things get so bad.  There really was no excuse.

Tonight I learned how much Kenny depends on me to be a good housewife, just like I depend on him to provide for us.  I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be checking out at the grocery store only to find there's no money in the account.  Or to have my card declined at the gas station when my car is completely empty.  We live in a gorgeous home and want for very little, thanks to Kenny's good stewardship of the money/resources God has given us.  I want to pull the same weight on my end.  The Lord showed me I can't focus so much on being mom (or worse, my own selfish desires to look good) that I lose sight of what I was created to be... Kenny's helpmate!  Even though spending time with the boys is good and important, it's not to be above keeping the house warm and welcoming for Kenny to come home to.  I should make sure his needs are met first, and then take care of the children.

God forgive me for being so selfish!  I'm sorry for allowing my selfish desires to look good and get back in shape stand in the way of doing what You've created me to do.  I know You have the answers for how to structure my day so that the house is clean and welcoming when Kenny gets home, dinner is prepared, AND the kids feel loved and nurtured because I've spent time with them too.  It seems impossible to me Lord, but I know with Your wisdom, guidance, and strength, I can do anything.  Show me what needs to be cut from my day... time on my phone/computer, nap, running errands, etc.  What should my priorities be and in what order?  Help me remember to start each day by asking You what You have for me.  I don't want to continue down this path of selfishness.  Teach me to be what You created me to be, Your daughter, Kenny's helpmate, and then boymom.  This season of raising young children is so, so short.  When my days seem long and overwhelming, remind me that what I'm doing matters to You.  I want to give it my all.  I need You, God.  I desperately, desperately need You.  The struggle is real... but You are the answer!

my first *almost* emergency room trip as a mom

I know as a mom of three boys that trips to the ER are inevitable. But I don't think any amount of experience or knowledge could prepare me for how scary it is. My emotions become involved so quickly, everything seems to escalate, and before I know it fear has completely taken over.

Here's how it went down:

I was making the kids breakfast while Kenny fed Anchor his bottle. I noticed he kept gagging and I thought it was odd but didn't pay much else attention to it. After Anchor finished, he kept choking and seemed to have trouble breathing. I noticed a rash around his mouth and neck. I showed Kenny but he didn't seem concerned, made comments about how I was overreacting, and went to work.

8:52AM

I took off Anchor's amber teething necklace and posted this picture on my Stone Soup Group Facebook page hoping someone knew what it was.  Meanwhile, Anchor kept gagging, choking, and acting like he couldn't breathe. I became really concerned but had no idea what to do. Then he started vomiting... and didn't stop! I finally realized Kenny had given him raw cow's milk instead of the goat milk. (He refused to apologize for it which escalated into a fight, so now we weren't talking.) I felt better knowing what it was, but still didn't have a peace about doing nothing.  I put him in the bathtub and texted the picture to Janette.  The rash was quickly spreading and Anchor continued to vomit. I called my pediatrician (who is 45 minutes away!) and the nurse said she needed to ask the doctor and would call me back.

8:19AM

Janette saw this picture and said take him to the ER. She had been texting a friend of hers who was a nurse. This really freaked me out... the rash was spreading so fast! I had the boys, Kenny was mad and headed to work, how could this be happening!?!? I called Melissa, but she didn't answer. Great, the boys now had to go with me. The doctor's office called back and said to bring him in. I responded that they were too far and I was on my way to the ER. I threw the boys into the car - Joshua was in shorts and no shoes, Maverick was still in his pajamas. Neither had coats and with the windchill temps were in the 20s!

I told Janette I didn't even know where the ER was... (awesome, I now sound like a complete idiot to my mother-in-law). She texted a location and I just started driving. Kenny met me there (much to my surprise). I went in and they told me there was an hour and a half wait! I told them this was an emergency and they informed they were not an ER.  I felt completely humiliated and asked them where one was.

We got back in the car and headed five minutes down the street to the *real* ER. By this time, Anchor's rash had greatly improved, he wasn't vomiting, and had actually fallen asleep. Kenny asked why were even taking him in and I told him because his mom and our pediatrician said to. Kenny again explained that I was overreacting since we knew what this was from. He said to give him Benadryl and take him home.

Thankfully, by the time I got home, his rash was almost completely gone and I never had to give him Benadryl (praise the Lord)!  And the lesson we all learned: Anchor can't have dairy! At least not now, and we'll have to do some allergy testing. I'm praying he won't have an allergy. What a nightmare that will be!

When all was said and done, I realized I'm thankful for Kenny's wisdom and ability to think clearly when all else seems to be falling apart. I learned I need to pray for peace and not allow fear to take over. I don't want to be a weak, incompetent, fearful mom who becomes a wreck the moment something bad happens. I'm so grateful this situation was nothing worse and that God protected Anchor from a more serious allergic reaction.

clean eating experiment: day 1

(Read about Kenny and Sarah Jane's clean eating experiment here.)


Breakfast:  FRUIT AND NUT BUTTER WAFFLE

Kenny had just finished working out and had a Shakeology.

I had a whole wheat waffle with peanut butter and strawberries. *I added maple syrup since I'm not counting calories.  I also had a glass of raw cow's milk instead of the skim/almond milk they suggest.

It was good, definitely not as satisfying as buttermilk waffles and pancake syrup with a glass of chocolate milk. =)

Snack 1:  MOZZARELLA AND TOMATO

I topped some arugula with tomato, mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar and had a side of crackers. The book suggested 5-10 crackers, I had 15.

This was also good. Changes I'll make next time:  buy better mozzarella (aka not the Great Value brand). Use spring lettuce or mix with arugula. The arugula by itself was just too strong.

Lunch: CITRUS GOAT CHEESE SALAD

Ingredients:  arugula (I also added in spring mix), chicken, mandarin orange (recipe called for grapefruit), goat cheese, walnuts, raspberry vinaigrette

I'm not usually a fan of salads... unless someone else makes them. For some reason, I just don't have the magic touch. Even if I put it in a pretty strawberry bowl.  This was good, but not the most amazing salad I've ever had, though it was probably healthier.

Unfortunately, it didn't sit well with me and it all came back up.  I haven't thrown up since my morning sickness stopped around 13 weeks. So I don't know if this was pregnancy related or what. But I was STARVING as soon as I finished and Whataburger popped into my head. I caved, loaded the kids up and had a burger and fries.

Because Kenny was out driving around, I packed his salad this morning before he left.  He said it was good, he didn't come home raving about it! But he ate it all, so that's a plus.

Snack 2:  FRUIT AND RICOTTA PITA

Surprisingly I was hungry around 3:30 and decided to make my snack.  I heated up a piece of whole wheat pita bread (the recipe called for a small 4" piece, but mine was definitely double that size).  Then I topped it with ricotta cheese, fresh peach slices and cinnamon.  The recipe called for slivered almonds but I couldn't find mine! ARGH!  I know they would've added a yummy crunch!

This was really good, I could definitely eat it often. It was almost like dessert... I felt guilty eating it.

Kenny had an apple.


THOUGHTS:
It probably wasn't the best idea to try this out in my 35th week of pregnancy. I'm starving and don't know if it's because I'me eating less, but still okay... or if I truly need to be eating more.  I don't want to starve Anchor!

The prep work wasn't bad at all. I haven't been in kitchen all day like I thought I would be.

The food wasn't that bad.  Different, yes. But I'm sure it just takes some getting used to.

I did enjoy buying fresh fruit/vegetables and I felt much better after eating. I didn't feel guilty or have to give myself the "you should start eating better" talk. That's always a plus. ;)

I guess today was 75% successful. Hoping tomorrow is 100%! Though it'll be difficult between Bible study and eating out with friends. Only time will tell.