where are you, God?

Is there an option to quit parenting?  To admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not cut out to be a parent.  All I know is I must be doing more harm than good.

We have been having always had behavior problems with Joshua.  Not the typical "no one is perfect," "children will be children, boys will be boys" problems.  But a genuine inability to obey, and the attitude that comes along with that.

At this point, I'm desperately trying to figure out the reasons why so that I can find a solution.  But in the meantime, life goes on.  We still have to go out in public, to play dates, church, birthday parties, field trips, etc.  And I'm done.  My relationship with Joshua has been so hurt and damaged that I don't want to go anywhere with him.

I'm tired of being humiliated. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I'm tired of being made out to be a mean mommy. I'm tired of the long talks about obedience just to be completely ignored. I'm tired of seeing him light up to be around other children's mommy's because he just can't stand to be with me. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship. I'm tired of caring so much just to be hurt over and over and over and over again.  I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, when deep down I just want to shout:

"I GIVE UP, GOD! YOU ARE the PERFECT PARENT... I am not. 

YOU HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... I do not. 

YOU ARE MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS, 

SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE... 

I am weak, angry, tired, and hurting. 

WHEN WILL YOU SHOW UP?

WHEN WILL YOU MOVE?

WHEN WILL YOU ACT on Joshua's behalf?

INTERVENE, GOD... before I ruin this child for good.

His very name means SAVED BY GOD...

so SAVE him from me... his mommy who is at the end of her rope, unable to give any more. 

I know you have AMAZING plans for this precious boy.

I just don't see how I fit into them. 

I'm simply in the way.

I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for intervention, for the knitting together of our hearts, for healing in our relationship.  I have sought wisdom and read books and tried so many different things. 

Yet You stay silent."

WHY!?!?!?!?

What do you want from me?  

This situation is affecting my marriage, family, and friendships.  It's constantly on my mind but only breeds more confusion and frustration.  

I need a breakthrough, Father God.  I'm begging to see You move... in a mighty way, in a small way... PLEASE just MOVE!

Put Kenny and I on the same page.

Show me the book to read... because NONE of them matter if they aren't from You.

Give me a Word.

Lead me to a mom who has walked this road and found success.  

Supernaturally mend our relationship. 

Give me answers to my daily struggles: where do I take him? what do I do with him? how can I invest in him in a way that pleases You and brings change?  how can I show him how much I deeply, truly, genuinely love him... but I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Lord, you used Joshua in the Bible to bring down the walls of Jericho. Use my Joshua to tear down the walls that I have put up in my heart. No matter how silly and strange it sounds... show him, show me, show US what to do. I know he's only five, but I REFUSE to believe you cannot work in and through him.  

I surrender this to You. I trust You with my heart... my pain, my fears, my weakness, and weary soul.  

Please God... break down my walls, in JESUS name!

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen... By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days." Hebrews 11: 1, 30

Kenny and Sarah Jane's Clean Eating Experiment

Eating healthy *consistently* has always been a struggle for Kenny and me.  We can manage a day or two, maybe a week but it's never been a lifestyle change. 

I desperately want it to be so.

I want to set a good example for our boys. I want to honor God by keeping our bodies as temples for the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)  They can't function effectively if we continue feeding them junk food and an occasional baby carrot or two.  I want to feel good because I've fed my body nutritious food. And I want to offset our chances for cancer or autoimmune diseases by what I eat. I know that God is sovereign and that I could nothing but salads and organic chicken every day for the rest of my life and still die from cancer.  But if He has given us a desire to change our eating habits, why ignore Him?

Because junk food is cheap.

Junk food lasts forever.

Junk food tastes amazing.

Junk food is easy to make.

Junk food fills me up.

I could go on and on.  

So far, it's been my experience that eating clean takes a lot of prep work, trips to multiple grocery stores, multiple times a week because fruits/vegetables go bad so quickly.  It takes an insane amount of self-control and discipline on a daily basis but especially out in public or at friends' houses. 

HOWEVER...

Junk food makes me feel like crap and clean eating gives me energy!  I despise the way my body feels and looks after eating junk food and love how I look after eating clean, even if it's only been a few days.  And knowing it's what the Lord has called us to do makes it all the more important.  

And we know we "can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength."  

So last night I made a meal plan and grocery list and we began what I'm calling: 

Kenny and Sarah Jane's Clean Eating Experiment

My goal is to find out: 

Exactly how much prep work will this require?  

How expensive will our grocery bills be?  

How many stores will I have to shop at?

How will the food taste?

Will we get sick of eating the same things over and over again?

Can we eat everything I buy before it goes bad?

What steps do I (as wife, mom, and homemaker) need to take to make this a lifestyle change?

How can I make this more doable for Kenny while he's on the road at work?

How will the kids handle it?

How will we handle eating in public or with friends?

Will I be able to manage this with two kids and a newborn while homeschooling?

I plan to do the experiment for a week, reassess & and make necessary changes, and then do another round before making conclusions.  I also hope to post pictures of our meals and post frequently on how things are going... mainly so I have a journal of how I felt each day along the way. 

So here's the meal plan (recipes from Les Mills PUMP Get Lean Nutrition Guide).  This week I'm focusing on breakfast, lunch, and snacks.  I plan to add dinners next week. Obviously, being 35 weeks pregnant, my goal is not to "get lean" right now and I'm not doing the workouts.  I'm definitely  making a few modifications that I'll note.

This week's plan required me to shop at:

Walmart ($83.61)

Whole Foods ($38.05)

Kroger ($73.00)

Sprouts

*I bought a few household items not on meal plan at Walmart and Kroger so that's why it they're so high.

This is definitely keeping my mind off being due in a few short weeks and giving me something to do while I prop my feet up and take it easy.  I'm really hoping and praying I can find a groove that works for our family because eating clean AND working out will really help me lose all this baby weight starting in January.  And Kenny and I both want to be beach ready for our 10 year anniversary trip to Costa Rica next summer! 

annihilating Facebook

I just deleted my Facebook account.

After much delay and procrastination and whining and excuses and pleading with the Lord to keep it.

I've been pondering His request for two weeks.

Yet my mind has been continually flooded with all the reasons to delete it.

1. It's a major waste of time.

2. It breeds discontentment in my life.

3. It doesn't stir my affections for the Lord.

4. It's not a form of worship.

5. It causes me to focus on all the things I don't have and creates unhealthy desires for materialistic things.

6. I think I "need" it to keep up with all the "friends" in my life. But reality is, I regularly see/text/talk to my true friends and don't "need" Facebook to keep up with them.

7. It's worldly... of this world and not of God.


I've started going through Priscilla Shirer's Bible Study on Gideon.  She talked about how God told the Israelites to completely destroy (devoting EVERYTHING to destruction) the Amalekites. But they disobeyed, sparing the king and best of the livestock.  They only devoted what was worthless/useless to destruction.

She then asked "Is there anything God is leading you to completely 'annihilate' in your life that may once have been healthy but is now unhealthy?"  Facebook immediately entered my mind, along with the few reasons why I wanted to keep it.  I'm part of the Stone Soup Group (a group of like-minded women who delivered babies with Donnellyn), and Against the Grain Co-op, and R Group (our Gateway life group)!!  I feared losing my resources to ask questions about raising kids, ordering food from the co-op, and hearing about prayer requests or events from our life group.  Of course the enemy would love for me to think giving up Facebook means losing all social connections.  But it's such a lie!

God has placed good, close friends in my life that I respect and can ask parenting questions.  I can always do my own research and ask the Lord to show me how He would have me raise our kids or treat them when they're sick. I'm friends with the owner of the food co-op and could easily text her if the need ever arose. And we attend our life group weekly where I hear the prayer requests and upcoming events.

My fears were all unsubstantial.

I found this verse on fear:

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  John 14:27

Stepping out in faith and completely "annihilating" Facebook was an act of obedience.  And in return, the Lord has given me His peace... His beautiful, perfect peace.  The "peace" I thought I had from friends or groups on Facebook pales in comparison to the peace that only comes from the Living God.

Knowing how good and faithful He is, I'm eager to see all the blessings that come from this simple act of obedience.


**PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME:  Facebook in and of itself is not the enemy. But the enemy has used it my life for destruction. Deleting my account is what God asked me to do. I'm not saying it's what everyone else should do. I just encourage you to seek the Lord's will if you feel it could be robbing you of His joy and peace.