two geraniums and some lavender

It all started with two geraniums and some lavender.

We built our dream home almost two years ago.  Some days I still can't believe this is my life... not just the house, but the husband, THREE boys, and our home.  I never could've imagined it, and I definitely wouldn't have believed it if you told me.

But God!

Kenny (probably desperate to get out of the house... thank you coronavirus) set out for Calloway's to buy some shrubs for behind our pool deck.  He came home with a truck bed full of shrubs and some extra flowers for my pots on the front porch.  Two geraniums and some lavender.  I planted them immediately and something stirred deep within my soul.

I saw pure beauty.

Living in a house doesn't make it a home.  It has to be intentionally planned, created... cultivated.  And I want our home to be a place of beauty, comfort, safety, and peace.

So I started dreaming again... about something for me! Not because my family wanted to, not because my boys wanted to. ** But because I had a passion for it.  This is huge for me.

I thought of knockout rose bushes in front of our master bedroom windows and some basil/rosemary... small and manageable.

But God!

We went to Calloway's and I found my roses/herbs plus so much more. 

Calloway's Nursery

My favorite find was this adorable owl pot!  My classroom was decorated with owls and I have collected many over the years.  Owls are also the mascot for our homeschool.  He was perfect for my basil!

Then I found elephant ears!!!  Be still my heart!  No they didn't fit with any of the landscape Kenny had already planned (and begun planting).  But I'm sure he agreed seeing the joy they brought me.  My sweet Maverick loves elephants and seeing these will remind me of him!

side note: A week after buying these, one of the leaves started to curl up and turn brown and I had seen the stems bend all the way down to the ground.  We went back to Calloway's and the guy helping me said the brown leaf was dying to allow new growth and that these plants can be kind of dramatic (aka droopy). I thought that was hilarious... and SO Maverick!

Finally, I found some pink knockout roses.  My heart was happy and I was ready to begin planting!

But God!

We stopped by Home Depot and Kenny went down the vegetable aisle of the plant area.  Tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, hatch chiles, cucumbers, a fig tree!!! Mmmmm.... we could almost taste the freshness! We both looked at each other and said "let's start a garden!"

And that was it.

We came home and Kenny designed some gorgeous three raised beds (3'x10') right outside of the master bedroom.  And I began designing the garden.  I've finally embraced YouTube and learned about companion planting and incorporating flowers/herb into my garden.

Our soil is mostly clay, so digging up holes twice the size of my rose buckets was a task I could not do alone.  It took Kenny most of the day.  At bedtime, I set the roses down in the holes (so I could visualize better) and went to bed eager to finish the next day.  That night a huge Texas thunderstorm blew through and when we woke up, the roses were drowning in holes full of water.

I set them out to dry and meanwhile mixed some potting soil (equal parts peat moss, top soil, and perlite).  During my several sweaty trips around the house and yard with the wheelbarrow gathering tools and mixing soils, Joshua tagged along eager to help.  He noticed my sweat and "work" face and apologized that this was such hard work.  I realized it was quite the contrary!  It felt so good!!!  God created us not just to do work, but to find joy in it! (Ecclesiastes 2:24)  There was something so gratifying about putting in all the effort and then sitting back to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Anchor's red petunias (his favorite color) and
he wanted them planted next to their daddy (geraniums)!

There are so many lessons in the Bible that refer to planting, toiling and harvesting, sowing and reaping, deep roots, and bearing fruit.  As I remember my verse for this year (Psalm 37:3), I can't help but smile at what God knew He was doing.  His dreams far exceeded my own!  While I know I have my work cut out for me, I know the joy and reward will be worth it.  And I know I'll learn many lessons along the way as I cultivate my faithfulness... and my garden!


**I want to be clear: I LOVE being a mama bear and feel blessed to be able to stay home and homeschool.  It's another dream come true for me. But I've seen so many homeschooling mothers put their EVERYTHING into their kids and schooling.  And then their kids grow up and leave.  Kenny and I have talked a lot recently about being careful not to lose sight of who I am and who God created me to be aside from "homeschooling mommy."  Plus, gardening can be a great educational experience! Sounds like a win win.

we have plans

It's been exactly a year since we "bought a little piece of paradise."

So I figured it was time for an update.

At the beginning of this year, Kenny decided to buy an addtional half acre of land.  We just closed on the new section and are ready to build!!!

Kenny has been working on these plans since we bought the lot. I remember wondering why on earth he started working on them so early... now I know. There have been hundreds of revisions, going back and forth about what to keep and what to delete, the layout, the square footage, the roof line, the elevation, etc.  I never knew how much was involved in making a set of plans.

We are SO grateful to Terry Holmes for spending countless hours (in his spare time) working with us, listening to us, and drawing up the most beautiful house I've ever seen... our dream home!

I told Kenny as he showed me plans, they didn't look right but I didn't know what was wrong/missing. To me, it was just a house.  Kenny was frustrated with how heavy it seemed on one side, or how the flow wasn't just right.  But no matter what issue we had, Terry patiently and brilliantly worked until he found a solution. Once Kenny showed me the *final* set of plans, my jaw dropped and I knew this was our home!

front

back

side

We'll have 4 bedrooms, 4.5 baths, a large kitchen/den area for entertaining, a school room, an office, and maybe one day a media room.

first floor 

second floor

Our prayers are that this home would be a place where God is glorified, people are always welcome, and family is protected and strengthened. We have had dreams of hosting youth group events since we dated. I have many other ideas of what we could do, but we'll see where the Lord takes us.

I'm looking forward to claiming this land and stepping into what the Lord has for us in Hickory Creek.

If I haven't said it before, this is truly a dream come true!  We are beyond grateful for how He has blessed us, and pray that this would all be used for His glory and His alone.

I plan to have a dedication day and invite family/friends to write scriptures on the walls.  Stay tuned!

providence

providence (noun) - the protective care of God

We've recently felt the Lord calling us to change churches.  This is huge for us because we *loved* Gateway.  I didn't have anything negative to say about it... other than the distance.  But in a metroplex as large as DFW, it seems like everything is a fifteen to twenty minute drive, minimum!

It started when we were in Abilene with Mollie and Eric.  During dinner, they were talking about the pastor of Bethel Church, Bill Johnson.  They had read articles calling him a heretic.  This shocked both Kenny and me, because we love Bethel Music.  Kenny didn't care to get too deep into conversation but came home and started researching Pastor Morris, from Gateway.

What we found was deeply upsetting.  Yet for the first time, it caused us both to research (on our own) what we believe and why.

I've heard about the "prosperity gospel" from John Piper, and have never been in support of it. However, I have a hard time deciphering what is and is not "prosperity" teaching.  I know Joel Osteen is, but would never have put Robert Morris in the same category.  Joel spoke at Gateway several years back and it bothered me greatly, but I couldn't figure it out.  Gateway had also brought in speakers like Jimmy Evans and Max Lucado.  How could they have such different speakers, with different beliefs, speak at their church?

We read many articles about Morris and how his teaching lines up with the prosperity gospel.  After thinking about it, I realized how little he talked about the gospel and our desperate need for a savior. At the end of his sermon, he would encourage people to accept Jesus, but there was no clear explanation of the gospel - how we are all sinners, and by God's grace alone (and His sovereign choosing) are we saved through belief in Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for our sins.

I learned how to detect the prosperity gospel (see here).  And to not pick a church because of how I feel, but because of what we believe.

So we looked at several churches, reading line by line their beliefs/convictions, and tried to narrow it down.  I then made a pro/con list, thinking that would make it clear.  But no one church stood out to us.  We ended up visiting a church a few weeks ago, but felt the preaching was weak.

The following weekend, I pressured (nagged, I'm ashamed to say) Kenny into picking a church for us to try.  I finally realized forcing him was not right either.  So I told him we could take a few weeks off to pray about it.

On Monday, I went to CG and asked a guy (Josh) who had talked about pastoring a start up church where it was located.  He gave me his card and I planned to look it up, but the day got away from me.

On Tuesday, we were hitting a wall in school and I needed a break.  I decided to look up the church.

It's called Redeemer Church of Denton and they're located in South Denton... 8 (yes, EIGHT) minutes away from where we are building.  My spirit jumped inside me and with each page I clicked on, I got more excited about it.

1. They teach exegetically - what I've longed for and missed!
2. They have a heart and desire to reach their city... not because they have the answers, but because Jesus does.
3. It is endorsed by Tom Nelson (pastor at Denton Bible Church) and supported by The Village Church. (these are the two churches we had narrowed it down to)
4. One service - 10:30 on Sunday. Kenny has always preferred the early service.  But I'm wondering if this will be good for us... to intentionally make time for the Sabbath.  I'm thinking big breakfasts, church, lunch, naps, and more family time.
5. It's small, currently 100 in attendance on average.  I was reading Job 29 on Monday and felt the Lord encourage me to pray these verses over Kenny... that he would be a helper to the poor, father to the fatherless, give wisdom and council, and remain deeply rooted in the Lord. Janette has told me that a prophetic word was spoken over Kenny years ago that he would be an elder in the church one day.  Because this is a start up church, I feel like Kenny has a lot to offer and more opportunities to be used however the Lord wills.
6. Because of it's size, Kenny was concerned for their lack of funds.  But I feel like with our tithe God could do so much more and it will go so much further at Redeemer than it ever could at Gateway.
7. In our research, we learned that if no church in the area meets our needs, to gather people and meet in a home.  With this church being so small, it feels like that.
8. Opportunities to start ministries are endless - choir, adoption, homeschool, youth, etc.
9. We were put in Hickory Creek "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14)... being just eight minutes from the church opens the door for many gatherings.
10. Kids ministry is small - so our kids are in classes with multi-age children. This is a Montessori concept and I truly believe in it. It's so cool to see the older kids help the younger, and encourages the younger to be more mature.

The entire time I was looking at the website, I kept hearing the word "providence."  This is not coincidence.  I was pushing, nagging, begging Kenny to decide.  And once I let it go, and told him to take the time he needed, this literally fell in our laps.  It never pulled up in my research.  God perfectly planned me to start CG, meet Josh, and switch churches within a few months.

My prayer is that we would become involved, serve as a family, and reach our neighborhood for the glory of God.  We long for people to do life with, and being part of a church that is so close makes that easier.  I remind my boys often of our motto: "Wrights are lights."  But it's harder to shine when everyone around is already a light.  Denton is a lost city.  And we've lived near Denton for most of our married life.  Hickory Creek puts us the closest we've ever been.  Since we are building our "forever" home, I think it's time we find our "forever church."  Oh how I pray Redeemer Denton becomes that for us.

Lord, I thank You for Your providence. Your beautiful, sovereign, perfect providence.  I thank You for leading us to this church. I pray Your blessings over the church, that they would reach the city of Denton and win many over to Christ. Help them to be Your hands and feet, to serve as You served and love as You loved. May they always be a bright light on a dark hill. Purpose their every step and move to align with Your will.  Show us if this is where You want us. Continue to give us clear confirmation and direction. It doesn't matter how much I love it, if it's not where You want us, we don't want to be there. Prepare our hearts to visit on Sunday. Open our eyes and hearts to see this church and these people through Your eyes. In Jesus name, Amen.

He is faithful

I FINALLY had a breakthrough!

The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.

FINALLY.

The key:  spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.

Oh what a dry season I have been through!  Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.

Looking back, I see that I shut down.  I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses.  Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew.  Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew.  I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time.  And sure enough, 2016 came and went.

But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood.  I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow.  I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.

So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system).  Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:


January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)

January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me 

January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting

January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me

January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises

January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too


Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write.  How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!?   About motherhood?  About life and joy?  About purpose?

ALL of them.

How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!

My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!

BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me!  I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.

I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)

God has done His part.  He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua.  I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.

In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it.  I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.

The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table 
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too

Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them.  What more peace can there be?!  There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.

So there it is:  "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest."  (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)

Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily.  While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance.  I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me.  I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith.  As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year.  But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father.  I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me.  But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.

I know He will continue to be faithful.

Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother.  This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves.  It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day.  I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.

where are you, God?

Is there an option to quit parenting?  To admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not cut out to be a parent.  All I know is I must be doing more harm than good.

We have been having always had behavior problems with Joshua.  Not the typical "no one is perfect," "children will be children, boys will be boys" problems.  But a genuine inability to obey, and the attitude that comes along with that.

At this point, I'm desperately trying to figure out the reasons why so that I can find a solution.  But in the meantime, life goes on.  We still have to go out in public, to play dates, church, birthday parties, field trips, etc.  And I'm done.  My relationship with Joshua has been so hurt and damaged that I don't want to go anywhere with him.

I'm tired of being humiliated. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I'm tired of being made out to be a mean mommy. I'm tired of the long talks about obedience just to be completely ignored. I'm tired of seeing him light up to be around other children's mommy's because he just can't stand to be with me. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship. I'm tired of caring so much just to be hurt over and over and over and over again.  I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, when deep down I just want to shout:

"I GIVE UP, GOD! YOU ARE the PERFECT PARENT... I am not. 

YOU HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... I do not. 

YOU ARE MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS, 

SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE... 

I am weak, angry, tired, and hurting. 

WHEN WILL YOU SHOW UP?

WHEN WILL YOU MOVE?

WHEN WILL YOU ACT on Joshua's behalf?

INTERVENE, GOD... before I ruin this child for good.

His very name means SAVED BY GOD...

so SAVE him from me... his mommy who is at the end of her rope, unable to give any more. 

I know you have AMAZING plans for this precious boy.

I just don't see how I fit into them. 

I'm simply in the way.

I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for intervention, for the knitting together of our hearts, for healing in our relationship.  I have sought wisdom and read books and tried so many different things. 

Yet You stay silent."

WHY!?!?!?!?

What do you want from me?  

This situation is affecting my marriage, family, and friendships.  It's constantly on my mind but only breeds more confusion and frustration.  

I need a breakthrough, Father God.  I'm begging to see You move... in a mighty way, in a small way... PLEASE just MOVE!

Put Kenny and I on the same page.

Show me the book to read... because NONE of them matter if they aren't from You.

Give me a Word.

Lead me to a mom who has walked this road and found success.  

Supernaturally mend our relationship. 

Give me answers to my daily struggles: where do I take him? what do I do with him? how can I invest in him in a way that pleases You and brings change?  how can I show him how much I deeply, truly, genuinely love him... but I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Lord, you used Joshua in the Bible to bring down the walls of Jericho. Use my Joshua to tear down the walls that I have put up in my heart. No matter how silly and strange it sounds... show him, show me, show US what to do. I know he's only five, but I REFUSE to believe you cannot work in and through him.  

I surrender this to You. I trust You with my heart... my pain, my fears, my weakness, and weary soul.  

Please God... break down my walls, in JESUS name!

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen... By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days." Hebrews 11: 1, 30

I see defeat, He sees triumph

I did it! I completed my second triathlon! 

At the beginning of this year, my friend Lacey asked me to sign up for a triathlon and train with her. I agreed hoping it would help me lose my baby weight from Anchor.  Plus I had previously completed the same course four years ago when I did the Monster Tri in 2012.  However, as soon as training began, my milk supply immediately dried up.  So I stopped training and asked for a refund.  They told me instead of a refund, I could have 75% off if I signed up for another race.  So the Monster Tri in October it was.  I officially signed up in July, knowing that would give me plenty of time to train.

race day: October 23, 2016
distances:
Swim 300 meters
Bike 13.5 miles
Run 3.1 miles

However, I quickly learned training with three little ones is not easy.  Waking up at 5AM to workout after a long night without sleep takes a lot of discipline.  Kenny was so gracious to watch the kids for me... as long as I trained before 7AM.  To be honest, looking back, I did not give it my all. I made excuses and procrastinated and told myself I was in better shape than I actually was.

So race day arrived, and ready or not, I jumped in the pool.  Or should I say plunged.  It was 12 feet deep, unlike the 4 foot deep pool I trained in.  It caught me completely off guard and I panicked.  I came up gasping for air and tried to swim with my head above water for a few strokes until I acclimated.  But I couldn't.  I turned around to my brother and told him I was freaking out.  He told me that was normal and encouraged me to just get to the other side... 50 meters down when I had been practicing in a 25 meter pool.  I made it, took a few deep breaths and told myself again to pull it together.  I planned to swim under the rope into the next lane, come up, and continue swimming just like I had practiced (though I never practiced swimming under the rope).  I panicked again... it's like I couldn't hold my breath for even a second.  Every time I went under water, I instinctively took a breath, came up gagging and told myself to get it together.  But it just never happened.  I basically dog paddled my way through the 300 meters, holding on to the ropes and on the sides of the pool at each end.  It was completely humiliating.  Two pregnant women (like 6-8 months pregnant) PASSED ME UP!  I survived... but barely, and was now completely exhausted.  swim time - 10:19

Determined not to quit AND to improve on my transition time, I quickly took my goggles and swim cap off and headed to my bike.  I started to put on my shorts and then realized I forgot to take off my swim shorts, but there was no turning back.  Putting tight shorts on a wet body is no easy task.  Thankfully the sun was out and it wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be.  I threw on my tank, socks/shoes, helmet, and sunglasses, grabbed my bike, and headed to the exit.  I couldn't find my brother!  I had told him earlier to stay ahead of me so that if I got disoriented I could find him easily.  Then I saw Kenny and my boys, smiled at them and told them to tell my brother to catch up.  I was in full on "focus" mode but wish I had stopped for 5 seconds to acknowledge my boys... there can't be better encouragement than that.  transition time - 3:17

I am definitely the most comfortable on my bike... not to mention I could breathe!!  The wind was in my face and I was ready to make up the time I lost in the pool.  

I turned the corner to start my first of three (yes THREE) loops and saw what seemed to be a mountain before me!  Throughout my training, my husband and friends encouraged me to bike Highland Shores, a road near our house.  I never did because I thought it had too many hills and would be WAY more difficult than the bike course for the triathlon.  Nope.  I was wrong.  This course had twelve (yes TWELVE) large climbs.  I had been biking twice a week at my indoor cycling class so I knew what the resistance felt like, I just wasn't familiar with it on my road bike.  My brother finally caught up with me after I had completed the first loop.  I did okay through the second and start of the third loop.  And then my energy tanked.  I had biked 10 mountains and just didn't want to go another foot.  But I thought of my boys and their sweet faces waiting for mommy to come back.  So I dug deep and mustered up the stamina to finish the bike.  bike time - 57:41

I returned to the transition area drained. And I still had 3 miles to run.  I hopped off my bike, legs feeling like jelly, took a few sips of water and ran out.  transition time - 1:29

Completely drained of energy and ready to quit, I just tried to put one foot in front of the other.  The entire time I trained for the run, I told myself it was completely mental.  My body is fully capable of running three miles.  I just needed to convince myself of that.  I kept trying to dig deeper, to not focus on the pain or exhaustion, but nothing seemed to work.  I also knew I had missed my goal in finishing in an hour thirty-five and decided walking for thirty seconds wouldn't hurt.  At that moment, a girl passed us saying we had been ahead of her the entire time and encouraged us to pick up the pace.  But I couldn't do it!  I felt so defeated, frustrated, and angry.  Angry that I didn't train harder, angry that I lacked the will power to finish this race strong, angry that I wasn't in better shape.  I tried to start running again, but shortly after needed to walk.  This continued for a while until I realized my brother had run so far ahead that I could no longer see him.  I started running jogging and kept looking for the halfway mark at every turn.  It was a beautiful, wooded path with lots of turns which kept it from being boring, but also made it difficult to see my mile markers.  Other athletes that were passing me said encouraging words and it was really cool to see everyone supporting each other.  I FINALLY made it halfway and my brother turned around to run with me some more.  I hated that I was letting him down.  I knew he could run circles around me and had banked on that being enough to give me energy to finish strong.  My usual ten minute per mile pace had slowed and it seemed the end would never come.  When we finally saw the finish line, my brother told me to turn on my thrusters and give it everything I had... "don't let them see you walking" he said.  And while I wasn't walking, my thrusters were no where to be found.  I made it to the finish line with my tail between my legs, wanting to crawl in a hole and wish the day away.  run time - 34:07

My sweet boys were SO excited to see me!! The looks on their faces made all of my emotions just melt away. I sat down (mainly to keep from peeing in my pants) and immediately wanted to know how much I missed my goal by.  My brother thought it was about seven minutes, which wasn't too bad.  We ate breakfast tacos and talked about how crazy the hills on the bike route were.  I noticed the boys were getting restless (as they had basically been waiting for three hours) and we decided to go home.

total time - 1:46 (eleven minutes past my goal)

On the way home, I replayed everything from the day in my head wondering why it went so wrong and promising myself I'd never do another triathlon.  It seemed as though the more negative things I came up with, the more the Lord showed me the positive... the triumphs!

1. I cut down on my transition times (thanks to Lacey braiding my hair)
2. I was only eleven minutes off from my time four years ago... and I've had two babies since then
3. I learned to trust Him no matter what the issue is - I was supposed to be on my period and since having Anchor cannot wear a tampon.  So dealing with that would have been a nightmare.  I even paid wasted $150 seeing an OBGYN trying to get on birth control.  The timing just wasn't right and it wouldn't have been a guaranteed fix, so I ended up never filling the prescription.  In all honesty, I didn't want to pray and trust the Lord because I knew that also meant I would have to be okay if He didn't move my cycle.  But my good, good Father shifted my cycle so that I was COMPLETELY FINISHED with it by race day.  Even in the midst of my tantrum and mistrust, He is STILL faithful and oh so good!!
4. I completed what I said I was going to do.  Knowing training had not gone as planned, I wanted to just give up.  Sometimes, when I know I won't reach my goal, I quit.  Lacey encouraged me that some things are to be done just for completion.  That's what this race was for me.
5. I spent time with my brother and we were able to bond from this experience.  We aren't estranged by any means, but we just aren't super close.  Since the race, he's been so encouraging and is ready to go again!
6. While practicing clipping in on my bike, I fell and hurt my left wrist one week before the race.  It had been hurting pretty bad and made it difficult to hold on to the handle bars without being in pain.  I took 2 Aleve before the race and my wrist didn't bother me at all! Praise the Lord!

A few days later, my emotions have calmed down and I'm looking forward to training and trying again.  There's several things I'd change:

1. spend the next 8 months focusing mostly on weight training, with a little cardio (cycling, running, and swimming - try to maintain ability to run a 5K)
2. 4 months prior to race, focus more on cardio but don't give up weight training
3. swim 500 meters, practice swimming under ropes, practice jumping in and starting, practice with LOTS of people in the pool, practice in the lake!
4. bike on Highland Shores (or other routes with hills), become more familiar with bike/gears, possibly learn to clip in... key word: possibly
5. run 3 miles, consistently, outside - be comfortable running in all weather conditions and terrain
6. 2 months prior to race begin brick training and keeping stamina up for more than an hour; limit weight training to once or twice a week
7. on race day - SMILE, RELAX, and just have fun!
8. for goodness sake, TAKE PICTURES! (of me and my brother, my boys and me, our family, and the event in general... the boys will be older so hopefully we can stay longer and celebrate!)
9. invite family to come and watch

I truly do enjoy swimming, biking, and running.  My goal is to do them for exercise AND recreation... for joy and stress relief!  I struggle with laziness and suck at team sports!  While I promised myself I'd never do another one, I wonder if the Lord is showing me His purpose in this.  He can minister to me as I train, I can worship and pray as I train, and I can teach my boys the importance of physical fitness.  I don't want to end this season in defeat... I will triumph!! Plus, next year is the last year I can compete in the 30-34 age category.

After feeling like I had the flu and sitting on the couch literally all afternoon, we went to dinner at Fleming's with our good friends Brad and Chrissy.  We had drinks, calamari, bruschetta, steak, potatoes, asparagus, and three (yes THREE) desserts!  Now, that's my kind of dinner!  It was a wonderful ending to a really hard day.

mexican fiesta

This last weekend, we celebrated sweet Anchor's first birthday! I have no idea how we arrived at this point. There have been so many sleepless nights, so much pain, so much frustration... wondering if he would even survive the night. This sweet boy threw up spit up so much I truly didn't think I could survive.

But he is crawling scooting, standing up, walking while holding our hands, and smiling all the time! He has been such a joy. He adores his brothers, lets you know when it's time to eat, and is getting better sleeping. He's upgraded to a forward facing car seat and thinks he's so big.

For his party, we had a Mexican fiesta! I served a taco dinner, had a piñata, Grand Mommy's famous sugar cookies, and of course cake.  I've never cooked/served food for forty-five people. I way overestimated and we'll be eating tacos for weeks. But it was such an encouragement to know I can pull it off!

We enjoyed being with our family and friends. Sadly, I'm the worst photographer! The light is bad, the pictures aren't focused, and I never seem to capture the important, memorable moments.

We adore you precious boy! Can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for you this year. 

family discipleship

There are a lot of changes happening around our house. But none that anyone would notice.

We've been learning about Family Discipleship (through sermons and a handbook from the Village Church) and this week we were encouraged to change our spiritual lives... for us as individuals, as spouses, and as parents.

In a nutshell, here are some of the things we will be implementing:

1. reading the Word daily using the Tabs system - Basically, you read one chapter from 10 different books in the Bible daily.  Read more about it here.

2. Kenny and I meeting once a week to discuss hopes, dreams, failures, what the Lord is teaching us, etc. - consider this a spiritual check-in with spouse

3. family devotions every night - In order to make this possible, we are moving dinner time to 5:30 so that afterwards we can clean up, get ready for bed, spend time discipling our kids, and have a bedtime routine... all before 7:00!

4. family night once a month - think Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, bike rides, walks to the park, swimming, movies and popcorn, etc.  The only thing not allowed is computers and cell phones!

5. one-on-one time with each boy once a month - Anchor is too small right now, but we both want to spend quality time with the boys on their own.  This means lots of mother/son date nights!

* * * * * * * * * *

This article (from Proverbs31 Ministries) also really spoke to me today as I begin my spiritual journey transformation. Oh how often we need to be meditating on His word... it is life - the very air we breathe!

The Motherhood Press - by Brooke McGlothlin

“I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11 (ESV)

I sat in the late evening sun on the front porch of our home, head in hands, tears streaming down my face, rendered speechless by the realization that I didn’t have what it took to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.

Before having kids, I’d never really failed at anything. Oh sure, I had been through failed relationships. I’d come close to failing a test here and there. I even failed to live up to my own expectations from time to time, but never the big things. Every goal I set for myself I achieved. But as a mom — the one thing I really wanted to get right in life — I was failing.

I wanted everyone to believe I was capable of handling the two beautiful boys God gave me, but I wasn’t.

I wanted everyone to believe I could juggle work, kids, husband, home and church with ease, but I couldn’t.

I wanted everyone to believe crying babies, nursing problems, shift work and the Terrible Twos weren’t too much for me all at once, but they were.

And what I really wanted everyone to believe — that I was a confident, capable, smart, fully independent woman — was keeping me from admitting the truth. I didn’t have what it took.

Motherhood showed me just how much I needed Jesus. 

It scraped me, rubbed me raw and pressed ugly emotions and words out of my heart I didn’t even know were there.

If you asked people I grew up with to describe my personality, I’m happy to report words like “angry, insensitive, overbearing, short-tempered and unkind” would not have topped the list. But there, sitting on my front porch in front of all my neighbors, not really caring who saw, I realized the woman I so proudly presented to others wasn’t the real me.

The truth taunted me and beat me down. The person I thought I was didn’t exist, and for the first time, I couldn’t fix my situation by working a little bit harder. My need was greater than my ability. I simply couldn’t do it by myself.

Why does it take motherhood to bring out the worst in us? Maybe it’s because most of us have never really been pressed so hard, pushed so hard or loved so hard. We’re like children eating a jelly-filled donut. When little hands squeeze, the jelly hiding inside dumps into their lap … and when life presses a mama too hard, sin lurking in her heart comes out and dumps on the people she loves most.

I love today’s key verse, Psalm 119:11. I learned it as a child, and its simplicity is the perfect antidote to my challenging, chaotic mothering days: “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”

I learned a life lesson that day I hope will stick with me forever. What’s in our hearts will come out, good or bad. In order to be the kind of godly women we want to be, we have to store God’s Word in our hearts, letting it change who we are in our most-hidden places, so when we’re pressed, His love pours out.

Father, give me a never-ending desire to spend my moments storing up the treasures in Your Word, so that when I’m pressed by life’s challenges I might not sin against You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:

Matthew 12:34b, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (ESV)

Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (ESV)

and he's off!

Today was an exciting day at our house!! Nana came out for the weekend to join us for our field trip and spend time with Joshua for his birthday. She took him to breakfast at the Egg and I and then to Target to pick out a toy. He chose a red lightsaber! He's never seen Star Wars but seems to have an intrinsic passion for it.

Then they came home and Joshua learned to ride a two-wheeler bike!  He's been using a balance bike for two years, and a bike with training wheels for six months.  I was amazed at how quickly he learned.  Nana couldn't keep up with him so she *had* to let go and he just kept going!  Within the hour he learned to turn, make U-turns, start on his own and even go up/down the curb.  We are so proud of our big boy!

For his birthday, we wanted to get him a new bike!  We went to Walmart and Joshua got a Mongoose bike... the same kind his dad first bought for himself.  He loves the big tires.  We can't wait to get out tomorrow and ride some more! I'm looking forward to family bike rides.  I love cycling and there's just something special about being outdoors, on a bike, with my family. 

Between the new bike, roller skates from grandmommy, and skateboard from Allen and Katie, he's going to be one busy boy! 

Finally, we all went to Blue Goose for dinner.  It's one of Joshua's favorite restaurants.

Anchor got to eat his very first tortilla! And our seven month old little boy is learning to sit up.  He's able to do it by himself for five to ten seconds... it's progress!! This momma is so ready for him to be sitting up and NOT spitting up.  But I also know I'll truly regret these days with my little boys.  I'm so proud of them for hitting milestones but it's bittersweet as it reminds me they won't stay this way forever.

feel it coming on

Back in 2012, I wrote a post about how I felt like I was slipping into a valley.  Part of the Christian walk is sanctification. It's painful. It's raw. It's hard. But it's life giving. It's God loving us so incredibly much that He refines us in the fire to make us more like Him.

I feel like I'm unraveling... ripping at the seams. I can't do it all. I can't keep it all together.  God's been tugging at my heart for a few weeks.  It started when I realized my priorities were all messed up.    Since then, I've been thinking about all that is expected of me... cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, spending time with each one (kids and husband), activities, exercise, etc.

It's honestly made me depressed because I know I can't do it all.  So I went to my doctor and asked him to do a full blood panel to see where my hormones, thyroid, and vitamin levels were at. I'll get those results in two weeks.  But while I was there, he told me to "give yourself grace.  You're in a difficult stage of life having three kids under five, all in diapers, with a high needs baby.  It's hard for anyone and you don't have to have it all together. I've seen so many moms in here that are your age and learning to handle three. It's normal."

Then I went to a friends house and told her I was struggling adjusting to three. Again, she said "give yourself grace.  Do what you need to do to stay sane... put kids in daycare, have a sitter come watch them so you can get out for a few hours, hire a maid.  It's worth your sanity in the end."

I had a horrible workout at the gym yesterday, nothing seemed to go right, and I left feeling fat, weak, and defeated. My sister said "give yourself grace! We all have hard workouts."

Today at gymnastics, I saw behavior in Joshua that frustrated me to no end!  He was constantly bouncing up and down, trying to get attention from the teacher. He hit another child and was put in timeout, and he sat there repeatedly asking "when can I get up?" Totally obnoxious and horrifyingly embarrassing.  I pulled him from the class and called my mom.  After remembering he was also difficult at Cubbies last night, I realized he probably has ADHD and super impulsive and just can't control himself.  I've taught students exactly like him.  As a teacher, they are a nightmare because they require so much attention, drain all of your energy, and take away from the rest of the class. So my first thought was, put him on medication!  I'll have a different child and maybe my life will finally be easier.

But I've always been on the fence about medicating children for attention issues, especially this young. So I called my mom, who raised my ADD brother and experienced medication firsthand. She agreed that Joshua is hyperactive but she said my goal should be to teach him how to manage that.  At his age, I just need to constantly be aware of how he can expend his energy.  Instead of just putting him outside and shutting the door, I should play soccer with him, ride bikes, go on walks, jump on the trampoline, set up relays and obstacle courses. She also encouraged me to have a routine.  These are things I know from working at Shelton and can easily implement.  Instead of wanting a different child, she encouraged me to be a different mom... the one God created and has molded me to be for Joshua. My training and time at Shelton (and passion for special needs children) had a very specific purpose, as did my years of infertility, and all my years living in a homeschool family.  I've begged the Lord to help me attach to Joshua.  And somehow, I know this is going to draw us closer together.

But it won't be easy.  My time is so torn right now between tending to the house, spending time with Anchor so he can develop muscles to sit up and crawl, homeschooling, training Maverick, etc.  How can I possibly add one more thing to the list?!?!

I feel like the "give yourself grace" comments are a copout.  We all have struggles and have to learn how to juggle life.  We can't just sit around waiting for the problems to fix themselves.

So where does this leave me?!?  Desperate for more of Christ.  I absolutely cannot do this by myself.  But God has given me Himself, and a supportive husband, family, and friends.  Through Him, I can learn how to raise a special needs, adopted child, as well as our two other boys (who will have their own struggles and needs).  So I may be entering a valley, but I am not alone.  I thought of the song "Feel It Coming On" by delirious.  Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me today:

"Reach inside of me, deeper than before.
Would You tear away this old man, bring peace to this old war.
See Your piercing eyes, burn me like a fire.
If You have me I will run, to finish all that You've begun. 

Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as You walk into the darkest night.
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk beneath Your shining light.
Hold me, hold me, will You come? To be with me when the day is done?
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk into Your burning light."

I'm so thankful He's here.  This is truly an answer to my prayers.  Not at all the one I was expecting.  But one that sounds exactly like my God. He doesn't give us the easy way... He gives us what will bring us closer to Him and make us more like Christ.  Oh how grateful I am He doesn't just give us what we want!  Yes, my days are long and hard.  But I am choosing joy!

Thank You God for tearing away the ugly parts of me.  Thank You for being faithful to complete the work You began in me.  Thank You that I'll never walk alone.  Thank You for Your shining light.  This mountain I am climbing is still so high, still so steep.  But You are not in a hurry, You're not going anywhere, and You aren't letting me quit.  You are gently teaching me, leading me, loving me, pushing me, encouraging me, changing me.  I know I won't recognize myself once I reach the top.  I pray that I'll see You instead! Oh how eager I am to see the fruit that this produces and how You will use this for good, for Your glory.

Joshua's 5th birthday

Today my little boy is turning FIVE!  I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  It seems like just yesterday we saw him for the first time.

Then after months and months of waiting, but also seeing the Lord move in mighty ways, we got to bring him home!

It's been three years of fun and tears, joy and laughter, trial and error, pain and growth.  This adoption journey has not been anything like we thought it would be. But God has been so good and faithful through it all. He is still growing us and teaching us to be the perfect parents for Joshua.

Joshua has smiled and laughed, pushed his boundaries, learned to love, become an older brother (twice), and is continuing to learn and grow in the Lord.  He is an awesome helper, and enjoys it too. He goes to Cubbies and does such a great job memorizing verses.  He loves to tell other people the rules to obey, even though he's still learning to obey himself.  He takes such good care of Maverick and Anchor and always wants to be with mom and dad when we're around the house.  He adores his grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins.  It has been so much fun doing school with him because he gets excited about everything! He has an amazing long term memory.  I love to see him try new things and make new friends.  I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for him this year.

***ALL ABOUT JOSHUA***

favorite food: macaroni and cheese, strawberries, carrots

favorite drink: Dr. Pepper

favorite color:  orange

favorite thing to do:  play with motorcycles

favorite sport: (after asking "what's a sport?")  football

favorite movie: Home

what he hopes to do this year: play games at Chuck-E-Cheese

what he wants to get: spiderman remote control car, spiderman mask, and real spiderman webs

what he wants to be when he grows up: (after saying spiderman) a construction worker like daddy

my verse for him this year:  "Be strong and courageous!" Joshua 1:9

what I hope he learns: ride a bike (without training wheels); be a leader and set a good example

*****

For his birthday, I surprised him early in the morning with a date to Starbucks!

Then his cousins are coming to spend the night tomorrow.  We plan to play at the park, eat macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets, and then go get ice cream. After that, we'll watch his favorite movie. In the morning, I'll make cinnamon rolls, fruit, and juice.

(Maverick was soooooo excited to stay up late for ice cream and a movie.)

Then the real party begins! I asked Joshua what he wanted to do... I kept emphasizing he could have anything he wanted, expecting him to be completely unrealistic. But all he wanted was a red cake, spiderman ballon, his friends, and to dress up like spiderman.  So his friends are coming over to make pizzas and have Dr. Pepper. Then we'll go see Alvin and the Chipmunks and then come back for cake and ice cream.

I love this kid like crazy and am fervently praying the Lord continues to knit our hearts together.  I plan to do date nights once a month and maybe once this year we could go on a trip.  I want him to know how special he is and how grateful I am that he made me a mommy.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought Joshua into our family. And I just hope to show him how awesome adoption is, because we've been adopted into God's family.  It's been a rough road, but my prayers are that this year would be a turning point and that my relationship with Joshua will never be the same, for the better!