It's funny how God works and the different seasons He takes us through. I've definitely been in the desert the last few years, and maybe I still am. But I'm trying to find my out.
It's through Him alone.
But, thankfully, He uses so many things to teach us and draw Him to Himself.
This year I've found myself more angry and shut down than ever. I'm just plain mad at how my life has unfolded. I know so many truths... He is good, He won't give me more than I can handle, He uses everything for good, He loves me unconditionally. But reality is I've let myself focus on the emotional upsets of life (homeschooling, adoption, family drama, the chaos of this world, etc.) instead of clinging to these truths.
Lamentations 3:21-22 says "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end." We can CHOOSE to call to mind that which gives us hope.
key word: CHOOSE. It's a choice. One I have to fight to make daily.
I'm reading "Reclaim Compassion" and the authors explain when parents become worn out [exhausted, withdrawn, apathetic] from doing tasks [mundane, fruitless work], it's often because they've deleted [cut out, quit doing] the fun and enjoyable things in their life.
I'm guilty of focusing on the negative and being a glass half-empty person. It's easy for me to get caught up in all that's wrong, instead of on the beautiful blessings He freely and generously gives.
So I've made a list of Fifty Points of Joy and plan to do 7-8 a day. And keeping up with this blog is one of them!! So here's to many more posts and choosing joy!
I know. I said I was going to start blogging, and then somehow life got away from me.
I keep falling back into these bouts of just going through the motions. I love my life. I serve a mighty God who has big things for me. But I struggle, really struggle, with believing that and putting what He says into action.
I battle laziness... a lot. It's definitely a giant I've needed to kill for far too long.
This year, I started reading Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. (She has become a "mentor" to me through her books and podcasts and blog posts. I hope to attend her conference this year, but covid has put a lovely hold on that.)
My favorite thing to do is make excuses. I've become quite the expert at it, unfortunately. And this year I set out to change that. Though here I am... still failing.
Laziness and excuses don't exactly make for a life lived with purpose and passion. It's definitely not something I want to be remembered for or pass on to my boys.
I'm not exactly sure how to change. I know it's going to take effort... day after day, one step at a time, over and over again.
This is the verse God has laid on my heart for this year. Psalm 37:3
"Trust in the LORD, and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."
1. I am to trust in the Lord, not myself. I need to let go of control! (ahem... thank you coronavirus!)
2. Instead of wishing for different circumstances, another phase of life, or a supernatural change in my personality, I need to dwell right where I'm at. Dwell means to live in a specified place... a place my God chose for me. (Acts 17:26) What good can I be doing right here, where He has me?
3. definition of cultivate - "try to acquire or develop; apply oneself to improving or developing"
I need to own my life! To cultivate a deep faith and responsibility for what God has given me.
I don't think it's a coincidence we started planting a garden a few weeks ago... though I didn't know it at the time. (see post about how it all started)
Despite ALL of my shortcomings, I know God is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and mercy. And that is what keeps me getting out of bed, still trying to change, even though I fail time and time again.
It all started with two geraniums and some lavender.
We built our dream home almost two years ago. Some days I still can't believe this is my life... not just the house, but the husband, THREE boys, and our home. I never could've imagined it, and I definitely wouldn't have believed it if you told me.
But God!
Kenny (probably desperate to get out of the house... thank you coronavirus) set out for Calloway's to buy some shrubs for behind our pool deck. He came home with a truck bed full of shrubs and some extra flowers for my pots on the front porch. Two geraniums and some lavender. I planted them immediately and something stirred deep within my soul.
I saw pure beauty.
Living in a house doesn't make it a home. It has to be intentionally planned, created... cultivated. And I want our home to be a place of beauty, comfort, safety, and peace.
So I started dreaming again... about something for me! Not because my family wanted to, not because my boys wanted to. ** But because I had a passion for it. This is huge for me.
I thought of knockout rose bushes in front of our master bedroom windows and some basil/rosemary... small and manageable.
But God!
We went to Calloway's and I found my roses/herbs plus so much more.
Calloway's Nursery
My favorite find was this adorable owl pot! My classroom was decorated with owls and I have collected many over the years. Owls are also the mascot for our homeschool. He was perfect for my basil!
Then I found elephant ears!!!Be still my heart! No they didn't fit with any of the landscape Kenny had already planned (and begun planting). But I'm sure he agreed seeing the joy they brought me. My sweet Maverick loves elephants and seeing these will remind me of him!
side note: A week after buying these, one of the leaves started to curl up and turn brown and I had seen the stems bend all the way down to the ground. We went back to Calloway's and the guy helping me said the brown leaf was dying to allow new growth and that these plants can be kind of dramatic (aka droopy). I thought that was hilarious... and SO Maverick!
Finally, I found some pink knockout roses. My heart was happy and I was ready to begin planting!
But God!
We stopped by Home Depot and Kenny went down the vegetable aisle of the plant area. Tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, hatch chiles, cucumbers, a fig tree!!! Mmmmm.... we could almost taste the freshness! We both looked at each other and said "let's start a garden!"
And that was it.
We came home and Kenny designed some gorgeous three raised beds (3'x10') right outside of the master bedroom. And I began designing the garden. I've finally embraced YouTube and learned about companion planting and incorporating flowers/herb into my garden.
Our soil is mostly clay, so digging up holes twice the size of my rose buckets was a task I could not do alone. It took Kenny most of the day. At bedtime, I set the roses down in the holes (so I could visualize better) and went to bed eager to finish the next day. That night a huge Texas thunderstorm blew through and when we woke up, the roses were drowning in holes full of water.
I set them out to dry and meanwhile mixed some potting soil (equal parts peat moss, top soil, and perlite). During my several sweaty trips around the house and yard with the wheelbarrow gathering tools and mixing soils, Joshua tagged along eager to help. He noticed my sweat and "work" face and apologized that this was such hard work. I realized it was quite the contrary! It felt so good!!! God created us not just to do work, but to find joy in it! (Ecclesiastes 2:24) There was something so gratifying about putting in all the effort and then sitting back to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Anchor's red petunias (his favorite color) and he wanted them planted next to their daddy (geraniums)!
There are so many lessons in the Bible that refer to planting, toiling and harvesting, sowing and reaping, deep roots, and bearing fruit. As I remember my verse for this year (Psalm 37:3), I can't help but smile at what God knew He was doing. His dreams far exceeded my own! While I know I have my work cut out for me, I know the joy and reward will be worth it. And I know I'll learn many lessons along the way as I cultivate my faithfulness... and my garden! **I want to be clear: I LOVE being a mama bear and feel blessed to be able to stay home and homeschool. It's another dream come true for me. But I've seen so many homeschooling mothers put their EVERYTHING into their kids and schooling. And then their kids grow up and leave. Kenny and I have talked a lot recently about being careful not to lose sight of who I am and who God created me to be aside from "homeschooling mommy." Plus, gardening can be a great educational experience! Sounds like a win win.
It's been exactly a year since we "bought a little piece of paradise."
So I figured it was time for an update.
At the beginning of this year, Kenny decided to buy an addtional half acre of land. We just closed on the new section and are ready to build!!!
Kenny has been working on these plans since we bought the lot. I remember wondering why on earth he started working on them so early... now I know. There have been hundreds of revisions, going back and forth about what to keep and what to delete, the layout, the square footage, the roof line, the elevation, etc. I never knew how much was involved in making a set of plans.
We are SO grateful to Terry Holmes for spending countless hours (in his spare time) working with us, listening to us, and drawing up the most beautiful house I've ever seen... our dream home!
I told Kenny as he showed me plans, they didn't look right but I didn't know what was wrong/missing. To me, it was just a house. Kenny was frustrated with how heavy it seemed on one side, or how the flow wasn't just right. But no matter what issue we had, Terry patiently and brilliantly worked until he found a solution. Once Kenny showed me the *final* set of plans, my jaw dropped and I knew this was our home!
front
back
side
We'll have 4 bedrooms, 4.5 baths, a large kitchen/den area for entertaining, a school room, an office, and maybe one day a media room.
first floor
second floor
Our prayers are that this home would be a place where God is glorified, people are always welcome, and family is protected and strengthened. We have had dreams of hosting youth group events since we dated. I have many other ideas of what we could do, but we'll see where the Lord takes us.
I'm looking forward to claiming this land and stepping into what the Lord has for us in Hickory Creek.
If I haven't said it before, this is truly a dream come true! We are beyond grateful for how He has blessed us, and pray that this would all be used for His glory and His alone.
I plan to have a dedication day and invite family/friends to write scriptures on the walls. Stay tuned!
We've recently felt the Lord calling us to change churches. This is huge for us because we *loved* Gateway. I didn't have anything negative to say about it... other than the distance. But in a metroplex as large as DFW, it seems like everything is a fifteen to twenty minute drive, minimum!
It started when we were in Abilene with Mollie and Eric. During dinner, they were talking about the pastor of Bethel Church, Bill Johnson. They had read articles calling him a heretic. This shocked both Kenny and me, because we love Bethel Music. Kenny didn't care to get too deep into conversation but came home and started researching Pastor Morris, from Gateway.
What we found was deeply upsetting. Yet for the first time, it caused us both to research (on our own) what we believe and why.
I've heard about the "prosperity gospel" from John Piper, and have never been in support of it. However, I have a hard time deciphering what is and is not "prosperity" teaching. I know Joel Osteen is, but would never have put Robert Morris in the same category. Joel spoke at Gateway several years back and it bothered me greatly, but I couldn't figure it out. Gateway had also brought in speakers like Jimmy Evans and Max Lucado. How could they have such different speakers, with different beliefs, speak at their church?
We read many articles about Morris and how his teaching lines up with the prosperity gospel. After thinking about it, I realized how little he talked about the gospel and our desperate need for a savior. At the end of his sermon, he would encourage people to accept Jesus, but there was no clear explanation of the gospel - how we are all sinners, and by God's grace alone (and His sovereign choosing) are we saved through belief in Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for our sins.
I learned how to detect the prosperity gospel (see here). And to not pick a church because of how I feel, but because of what we believe.
So we looked at several churches, reading line by line their beliefs/convictions, and tried to narrow it down. I then made a pro/con list, thinking that would make it clear. But no one church stood out to us. We ended up visiting a church a few weeks ago, but felt the preaching was weak.
The following weekend, I pressured (nagged, I'm ashamed to say) Kenny into picking a church for us to try. I finally realized forcing him was not right either. So I told him we could take a few weeks off to pray about it.
On Monday, I went to CG and asked a guy (Josh) who had talked about pastoring a start up church where it was located. He gave me his card and I planned to look it up, but the day got away from me.
On Tuesday, we were hitting a wall in school and I needed a break. I decided to look up the church.
It's called Redeemer Church of Denton and they're located in South Denton... 8 (yes, EIGHT) minutes away from where we are building. My spirit jumped inside me and with each page I clicked on, I got more excited about it.
1. They teach exegetically - what I've longed for and missed!
2. They have a heart and desire to reach their city... not because they have the answers, but because Jesus does.
3. It is endorsed by Tom Nelson (pastor at Denton Bible Church) and supported by The Village Church. (these are the two churches we had narrowed it down to)
4. One service - 10:30 on Sunday. Kenny has always preferred the early service. But I'm wondering if this will be good for us... to intentionally make time for the Sabbath. I'm thinking big breakfasts, church, lunch, naps, and more family time.
5. It's small, currently 100 in attendance on average. I was reading Job 29 on Monday and felt the Lord encourage me to pray these verses over Kenny... that he would be a helper to the poor, father to the fatherless, give wisdom and council, and remain deeply rooted in the Lord. Janette has told me that a prophetic word was spoken over Kenny years ago that he would be an elder in the church one day. Because this is a start up church, I feel like Kenny has a lot to offer and more opportunities to be used however the Lord wills.
6. Because of it's size, Kenny was concerned for their lack of funds. But I feel like with our tithe God could do so much more and it will go so much further at Redeemer than it ever could at Gateway.
7. In our research, we learned that if no church in the area meets our needs, to gather people and meet in a home. With this church being so small, it feels like that.
8. Opportunities to start ministries are endless - choir, adoption, homeschool, youth, etc.
9. We were put in Hickory Creek "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14)... being just eight minutes from the church opens the door for many gatherings.
10. Kids ministry is small - so our kids are in classes with multi-age children. This is a Montessori concept and I truly believe in it. It's so cool to see the older kids help the younger, and encourages the younger to be more mature.
The entire time I was looking at the website, I kept hearing the word "providence." This is not coincidence. I was pushing, nagging, begging Kenny to decide. And once I let it go, and told him to take the time he needed, this literally fell in our laps. It never pulled up in my research. God perfectly planned me to start CG, meet Josh, and switch churches within a few months.
My prayer is that we would become involved, serve as a family, and reach our neighborhood for the glory of God. We long for people to do life with, and being part of a church that is so close makes that easier. I remind my boys often of our motto: "Wrights are lights." But it's harder to shine when everyone around is already a light. Denton is a lost city. And we've lived near Denton for most of our married life. Hickory Creek puts us the closest we've ever been. Since we are building our "forever" home, I think it's time we find our "forever church." Oh how I pray Redeemer Denton becomes that for us.
Lord, I thank You for Your providence. Your beautiful, sovereign, perfect providence. I thank You for leading us to this church. I pray Your blessings over the church, that they would reach the city of Denton and win many over to Christ. Help them to be Your hands and feet, to serve as You served and love as You loved. May they always be a bright light on a dark hill. Purpose their every step and move to align with Your will. Show us if this is where You want us. Continue to give us clear confirmation and direction. It doesn't matter how much I love it, if it's not where You want us, we don't want to be there. Prepare our hearts to visit on Sunday. Open our eyes and hearts to see this church and these people through Your eyes. In Jesus name, Amen.
The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.
FINALLY.
The key: spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.
Oh what a dry season I have been through! Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.
Looking back, I see that I shut down. I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses. Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew. Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew. I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time. And sure enough, 2016 came and went.
But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood. I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow. I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.
So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system). Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:
January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)
January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me
January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me
January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises
January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too
Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write. How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!? About motherhood? About life and joy? About purpose?
ALL of them.
How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!
My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!
BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me! I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.
I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)
God has done His part. He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua. I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.
In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it. I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.
The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too
Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them. What more peace can there be?! There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.
So there it is: "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest." (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)
Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily. While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance. I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me. I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith. As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year. But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me. But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.
I know He will continue to be faithful.
Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother. This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day. I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.
There are a lot of changes happening around our house. But none that anyone would notice.
We've been learning about Family Discipleship (through sermons and a handbook from the Village Church) and this week we were encouraged to change our spiritual lives... for us as individuals, as spouses, and as parents.
In a nutshell, here are some of the things we will be implementing:
1. reading the Word daily using the Tabs system - Basically, you read one chapter from 10 different books in the Bible daily. Read more about it here.
2. Kenny and I meeting once a week to discuss hopes, dreams, failures, what the Lord is teaching us, etc. - consider this a spiritual check-in with spouse
3. family devotions every night - In order to make this possible, we are moving dinner time to 5:30 so that afterwards we can clean up, get ready for bed, spend time discipling our kids, and have a bedtime routine... all before 7:00!
4. family night once a month - think Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, bike rides, walks to the park, swimming, movies and popcorn, etc. The only thing not allowed is computers and cell phones!
5. one-on-one time with each boy once a month - Anchor is too small right now, but we both want to spend quality time with the boys on their own. This means lots of mother/son date nights!
* * * * * * * * * *
This article (from Proverbs31 Ministries) also really spoke to me today as I begin my spiritual journey transformation. Oh how often we need to be meditating on His word... it is life - the very air we breathe!
The Motherhood Press - by Brooke McGlothlin
“I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11 (ESV)
I sat in the late evening sun on the front porch of our home, head in hands, tears streaming down my face, rendered speechless by the realization that I didn’t have what it took to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.
Before having kids, I’d never really failed at anything. Oh sure, I had been through failed relationships. I’d come close to failing a test here and there. I even failed to live up to my own expectations from time to time, but never the big things. Every goal I set for myself I achieved. But as a mom — the one thing I really wanted to get right in life — I was failing.
I wanted everyone to believe I was capable of handling the two beautiful boys God gave me, but I wasn’t.
I wanted everyone to believe I could juggle work, kids, husband, home and church with ease, but I couldn’t.
I wanted everyone to believe crying babies, nursing problems, shift work and the Terrible Twos weren’t too much for me all at once, but they were.
And what I really wanted everyone to believe — that I was a confident, capable, smart, fully independent woman — was keeping me from admitting the truth. I didn’t have what it took.
Motherhood showed me just how much I needed Jesus.
It scraped me, rubbed me raw and pressed ugly emotions and words out of my heart I didn’t even know were there.
If you asked people I grew up with to describe my personality, I’m happy to report words like “angry, insensitive, overbearing, short-tempered and unkind” would not have topped the list. But there, sitting on my front porch in front of all my neighbors, not really caring who saw, I realized the woman I so proudly presented to others wasn’t the real me.
The truth taunted me and beat me down. The person I thought I was didn’t exist, and for the first time, I couldn’t fix my situation by working a little bit harder. My need was greater than my ability. I simply couldn’t do it by myself.
Why does it take motherhood to bring out the worst in us? Maybe it’s because most of us have never really been pressed so hard, pushed so hard or loved so hard. We’re like children eating a jelly-filled donut. When little hands squeeze, the jelly hiding inside dumps into their lap … and when life presses a mama too hard, sin lurking in her heart comes out and dumps on the people she loves most.
I love today’s key verse, Psalm 119:11. I learned it as a child, and its simplicity is the perfect antidote to my challenging, chaotic mothering days: “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”
I learned a life lesson that day I hope will stick with me forever. What’s in our hearts will come out, good or bad. In order to be the kind of godly women we want to be, we have to store God’s Word in our hearts, letting it change who we are in our most-hidden places, so when we’re pressed, His love pours out.
Father, give me a never-ending desire to spend my moments storing up the treasures in Your Word, so that when I’m pressed by life’s challenges I might not sin against You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Matthew 12:34b, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (ESV)
Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (ESV)
Back in 2012, I wrote a post about how I felt like I was slipping into a valley. Part of the Christian walk is sanctification. It's painful. It's raw. It's hard. But it's life giving. It's God loving us so incredibly much that He refines us in the fire to make us more like Him.
I feel like I'm unraveling... ripping at the seams. I can't do it all. I can't keep it all together. God's been tugging at my heart for a few weeks. It started when I realized my priorities were all messed up. Since then, I've been thinking about all that is expected of me... cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, spending time with each one (kids and husband), activities, exercise, etc.
It's honestly made me depressed because I know I can't do it all. So I went to my doctor and asked him to do a full blood panel to see where my hormones, thyroid, and vitamin levels were at. I'll get those results in two weeks. But while I was there, he told me to "give yourself grace. You're in a difficult stage of life having three kids under five, all in diapers, with a high needs baby. It's hard for anyone and you don't have to have it all together. I've seen so many moms in here that are your age and learning to handle three. It's normal."
Then I went to a friends house and told her I was struggling adjusting to three. Again, she said "give yourself grace. Do what you need to do to stay sane... put kids in daycare, have a sitter come watch them so you can get out for a few hours, hire a maid. It's worth your sanity in the end."
I had a horrible workout at the gym yesterday, nothing seemed to go right, and I left feeling fat, weak, and defeated. My sister said "give yourself grace! We all have hard workouts."
Today at gymnastics, I saw behavior in Joshua that frustrated me to no end! He was constantly bouncing up and down, trying to get attention from the teacher. He hit another child and was put in timeout, and he sat there repeatedly asking "when can I get up?" Totally obnoxious and horrifyingly embarrassing. I pulled him from the class and called my mom. After remembering he was also difficult at Cubbies last night, I realized he probably has ADHD and super impulsive and just can't control himself. I've taught students exactly like him. As a teacher, they are a nightmare because they require so much attention, drain all of your energy, and take away from the rest of the class. So my first thought was, put him on medication! I'll have a different child and maybe my life will finally be easier.
But I've always been on the fence about medicating children for attention issues, especially this young. So I called my mom, who raised my ADD brother and experienced medication firsthand. She agreed that Joshua is hyperactive but she said my goal should be to teach him how to manage that. At his age, I just need to constantly be aware of how he can expend his energy. Instead of just putting him outside and shutting the door, I should play soccer with him, ride bikes, go on walks, jump on the trampoline, set up relays and obstacle courses. She also encouraged me to have a routine. These are things I know from working at Shelton and can easily implement. Instead of wanting a different child, she encouraged me to be a different mom... the one God created and has molded me to be for Joshua. My training and time at Shelton (and passion for special needs children) had a very specific purpose, as did my years of infertility, and all my years living in a homeschool family. I've begged the Lord to help me attach to Joshua. And somehow, I know this is going to draw us closer together.
But it won't be easy. My time is so torn right now between tending to the house, spending time with Anchor so he can develop muscles to sit up and crawl, homeschooling, training Maverick, etc. How can I possibly add one more thing to the list?!?!
I feel like the "give yourself grace" comments are a copout. We all have struggles and have to learn how to juggle life. We can't just sit around waiting for the problems to fix themselves.
So where does this leave me?!? Desperate for more of Christ. I absolutely cannot do this by myself. But God has given me Himself, and a supportive husband, family, and friends. Through Him, I can learn how to raise a special needs, adopted child, as well as our two other boys (who will have their own struggles and needs). So I may be entering a valley, but I am not alone. I thought of the song "Feel It Coming On" by delirious. Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me today:
"Reach inside of me, deeper than before. Would You tear away this old man, bring peace to this old war. See Your piercing eyes, burn me like a fire. If You have me I will run, to finish all that You've begun.
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as You walk into the darkest night. Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk beneath Your shining light. Hold me, hold me, will You come? To be with me when the day is done? Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk into Your burning light."
I'm so thankful He's here. This is truly an answer to my prayers. Not at all the one I was expecting. But one that sounds exactly like my God. He doesn't give us the easy way... He gives us what will bring us closer to Him and make us more like Christ. Oh how grateful I am He doesn't just give us what we want! Yes, my days are long and hard. But I am choosing joy!
Thank You God for tearing away the ugly parts of me. Thank You for being faithful to complete the work You began in me. Thank You that I'll never walk alone. Thank You for Your shining light. This mountain I am climbing is still so high, still so steep. But You are not in a hurry, You're not going anywhere, and You aren't letting me quit. You are gently teaching me, leading me, loving me, pushing me, encouraging me, changing me. I know I won't recognize myself once I reach the top. I pray that I'll see You instead! Oh how eager I am to see the fruit that this produces and how You will use this for good, for Your glory.
Today my little boy is turning FIVE! I can't believe how fast time has flown by. It seems like just yesterday we saw him for the first time.
Then after months and months of waiting, but also seeing the Lord move in mighty ways, we got to bring him home!
It's been three years of fun and tears, joy and laughter, trial and error, pain and growth. This adoption journey has not been anything like we thought it would be. But God has been so good and faithful through it all. He is still growing us and teaching us to be the perfect parents for Joshua.
Joshua has smiled and laughed, pushed his boundaries, learned to love, become an older brother (twice), and is continuing to learn and grow in the Lord. He is an awesome helper, and enjoys it too. He goes to Cubbies and does such a great job memorizing verses. He loves to tell other people the rules to obey, even though he's still learning to obey himself. He takes such good care of Maverick and Anchor and always wants to be with mom and dad when we're around the house. He adores his grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. It has been so much fun doing school with him because he gets excited about everything! He has an amazing long term memory. I love to see him try new things and make new friends. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for him this year.
***ALL ABOUT JOSHUA***
favorite food: macaroni and cheese, strawberries, carrots
favorite drink: Dr. Pepper
favorite color: orange
favorite thing to do: play with motorcycles
favorite sport: (after asking "what's a sport?") football
what he hopes to do this year: play games at Chuck-E-Cheese
what he wants to get: spiderman remote control car, spiderman mask, and real spiderman webs
what he wants to be when he grows up: (after saying spiderman) a construction worker like daddy
my verse for him this year: "Be strong and courageous!" Joshua 1:9
what I hope he learns: ride a bike (without training wheels); be a leader and set a good example
*****
For his birthday, I surprised him early in the morning with a date to Starbucks!
Then his cousins are coming to spend the night tomorrow. We plan to play at the park, eat macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets, and then go get ice cream. After that, we'll watch his favorite movie. In the morning, I'll make cinnamon rolls, fruit, and juice.
(Maverick was soooooo excited to stay up late for ice cream and a movie.)
Then the real party begins! I asked Joshua what he wanted to do... I kept emphasizing he could have anything he wanted, expecting him to be completely unrealistic. But all he wanted was a red cake, spiderman ballon, his friends, and to dress up like spiderman. So his friends are coming over to make pizzas and have Dr. Pepper. Then we'll go see Alvin and the Chipmunks and then come back for cake and ice cream.
I love this kid like crazy and am fervently praying the Lord continues to knit our hearts together. I plan to do date nights once a month and maybe once this year we could go on a trip. I want him to know how special he is and how grateful I am that he made me a mommy. God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought Joshua into our family. And I just hope to show him how awesome adoption is, because we've been adopted into God's family. It's been a rough road, but my prayers are that this year would be a turning point and that my relationship with Joshua will never be the same, for the better!
Life has been crazy busy lately, and unfortunately I've had to take a break from homeschooling. Not because homeschooling is hard, but because Anchor has been a pretty difficult baby. He spits up a ton and cries if he's not being held. I honestly don't know how the third child can be so demanding.
So we're taking a break from our work because I also figure it's going to be a pretty hot summer and we might as well be inside, in the AC, doing school. That way I'm not pressured to finish by the end of May, we can spend more time outdoors since the weather has been phenomenal, and it will also give Anchor more time to grow out of this fussy-can't-stop-spitting-up phase. It's a win-win-win situation!
So here's what we've been up to:
practicing cartwheels (we signed Joshua up for gymnastics in January)
making mud pies
learning how to make our bed
eating goldfish
riding bikes/cars
playing in the sprinklers
I'm embracing my newish role as boymom! It means lots of mud, baths, roughhousing, sound effects, bumps, and bruises... but also a whole lot of love, hugs, and kisses! Joshua even brought me flowers!! I love how boys take care of their mommies. I'm blessed beyond measure with my three!
Little Anchor is trying so hard to sit up... it's such hard work!! He either falls forward or turns his leg and goes sideways. He is gaining weight though! At his six month check up he weighed 15lbs! WAHOO!!!!
We've also learned to take "silly face" photos, and now it's hard for mom to get us smiling nicely!
Dad has been working like crazy so we really soak up our time with him on the weekends.
