He is faithful

I FINALLY had a breakthrough!

The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.

FINALLY.

The key:  spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.

Oh what a dry season I have been through!  Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.

Looking back, I see that I shut down.  I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses.  Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew.  Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew.  I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time.  And sure enough, 2016 came and went.

But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood.  I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow.  I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.

So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system).  Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:


January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)

January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me 

January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting

January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me

January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises

January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too


Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write.  How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!?   About motherhood?  About life and joy?  About purpose?

ALL of them.

How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!

My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!

BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me!  I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.

I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)

God has done His part.  He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua.  I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.

In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it.  I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.

The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table 
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too

Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them.  What more peace can there be?!  There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.

So there it is:  "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest."  (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)

Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily.  While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance.  I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me.  I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith.  As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year.  But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father.  I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me.  But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.

I know He will continue to be faithful.

Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother.  This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves.  It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day.  I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.

where are you, God?

Is there an option to quit parenting?  To admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not cut out to be a parent.  All I know is I must be doing more harm than good.

We have been having always had behavior problems with Joshua.  Not the typical "no one is perfect," "children will be children, boys will be boys" problems.  But a genuine inability to obey, and the attitude that comes along with that.

At this point, I'm desperately trying to figure out the reasons why so that I can find a solution.  But in the meantime, life goes on.  We still have to go out in public, to play dates, church, birthday parties, field trips, etc.  And I'm done.  My relationship with Joshua has been so hurt and damaged that I don't want to go anywhere with him.

I'm tired of being humiliated. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I'm tired of being made out to be a mean mommy. I'm tired of the long talks about obedience just to be completely ignored. I'm tired of seeing him light up to be around other children's mommy's because he just can't stand to be with me. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship. I'm tired of caring so much just to be hurt over and over and over and over again.  I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, when deep down I just want to shout:

"I GIVE UP, GOD! YOU ARE the PERFECT PARENT... I am not. 

YOU HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... I do not. 

YOU ARE MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS, 

SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE... 

I am weak, angry, tired, and hurting. 

WHEN WILL YOU SHOW UP?

WHEN WILL YOU MOVE?

WHEN WILL YOU ACT on Joshua's behalf?

INTERVENE, GOD... before I ruin this child for good.

His very name means SAVED BY GOD...

so SAVE him from me... his mommy who is at the end of her rope, unable to give any more. 

I know you have AMAZING plans for this precious boy.

I just don't see how I fit into them. 

I'm simply in the way.

I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for intervention, for the knitting together of our hearts, for healing in our relationship.  I have sought wisdom and read books and tried so many different things. 

Yet You stay silent."

WHY!?!?!?!?

What do you want from me?  

This situation is affecting my marriage, family, and friendships.  It's constantly on my mind but only breeds more confusion and frustration.  

I need a breakthrough, Father God.  I'm begging to see You move... in a mighty way, in a small way... PLEASE just MOVE!

Put Kenny and I on the same page.

Show me the book to read... because NONE of them matter if they aren't from You.

Give me a Word.

Lead me to a mom who has walked this road and found success.  

Supernaturally mend our relationship. 

Give me answers to my daily struggles: where do I take him? what do I do with him? how can I invest in him in a way that pleases You and brings change?  how can I show him how much I deeply, truly, genuinely love him... but I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Lord, you used Joshua in the Bible to bring down the walls of Jericho. Use my Joshua to tear down the walls that I have put up in my heart. No matter how silly and strange it sounds... show him, show me, show US what to do. I know he's only five, but I REFUSE to believe you cannot work in and through him.  

I surrender this to You. I trust You with my heart... my pain, my fears, my weakness, and weary soul.  

Please God... break down my walls, in JESUS name!

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen... By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days." Hebrews 11: 1, 30

grafted

I am loving, let me say it again, LOVING this tabs system for reading the Bible. It has brought me such joy and delight and I truly look forward to it every day.  God is just so cool!

It amazes me that the Bible, written thousands of years ago, can still apply to us today.  And no matter how many times we read it, He will always be faithful to show us something new.  There's enough material that it never gets old!

We heard a sermon in church on Sunday from David Barton about how well our founding fathers knew the Bible.  It blew me away!  We know so little and it's one of the reasons our country is spiraling out of control.  God has been faithful to show me that what He says in Joshua 1 is foundational to our success in life: "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."  This is our family verse for this year, and the tabs system has helped us implement God's command. For the first time in a long time, we are BOTH reading His Word daily, taking notes, and being careful to apply it to our lives... something only God gets credit for!

Today I was reading in Acts 13 about how salvation is offered to the Jew first and then the Gentiles (vs 46-47). The Lord showed me this is how I should view my relationship with Joshua. He has been chosen by God to be grafted into our family, to magnify His kindness and sovereignty.  He is NOT an afterthought, or second best.  I am to welcome him with open arms, just as the father to the prodigal son did. It was never God's design for us to raise someone else's child. But He is a redemptive God with unfailing, unconditional love for all.  I have been grafted into His family and receive all the benefits as a daughter of the Most High God.  No amount of love, blessing, or promise is withheld from me, even though I am not a Jew.  As a Wright, Joshua now shares in the root of our family... which means gaining a daddy, mommy, brothers, extended family, love and acceptance, and most importantly Jesus Christ... all things he did not have before.  Nothing is to be withheld from him.

These were powerful words for me today as I continue seeking Him and His purpose in bringing Joshua into our family.  I know it serves many purposes, including our sanctification and to show us our Father's heart.  He is so, so good!

I love the words to this song "No Longer Slaves."  How humbled and grateful I am to be a child of God. My prayers are that Joshua will know the depths of the love of his heavenly Father and that our bond will be strengthened and irreplaceable.

You unravel me with a melody, You surround me with a song 

Of deliverance from my enemies, 'til all my fears are gone

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

From my mother's womb, You have chosen me, love has called my name

I've been born again, into Your family, Your blood flows through my veins

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

You split the sea so I could walk right through it

My fears were drowned in perfect love

You rescued me, And I could stand and sing

I am a child of God

I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God

family discipleship

There are a lot of changes happening around our house. But none that anyone would notice.

We've been learning about Family Discipleship (through sermons and a handbook from the Village Church) and this week we were encouraged to change our spiritual lives... for us as individuals, as spouses, and as parents.

In a nutshell, here are some of the things we will be implementing:

1. reading the Word daily using the Tabs system - Basically, you read one chapter from 10 different books in the Bible daily.  Read more about it here.

2. Kenny and I meeting once a week to discuss hopes, dreams, failures, what the Lord is teaching us, etc. - consider this a spiritual check-in with spouse

3. family devotions every night - In order to make this possible, we are moving dinner time to 5:30 so that afterwards we can clean up, get ready for bed, spend time discipling our kids, and have a bedtime routine... all before 7:00!

4. family night once a month - think Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, bike rides, walks to the park, swimming, movies and popcorn, etc.  The only thing not allowed is computers and cell phones!

5. one-on-one time with each boy once a month - Anchor is too small right now, but we both want to spend quality time with the boys on their own.  This means lots of mother/son date nights!

* * * * * * * * * *

This article (from Proverbs31 Ministries) also really spoke to me today as I begin my spiritual journey transformation. Oh how often we need to be meditating on His word... it is life - the very air we breathe!

The Motherhood Press - by Brooke McGlothlin

“I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11 (ESV)

I sat in the late evening sun on the front porch of our home, head in hands, tears streaming down my face, rendered speechless by the realization that I didn’t have what it took to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.

Before having kids, I’d never really failed at anything. Oh sure, I had been through failed relationships. I’d come close to failing a test here and there. I even failed to live up to my own expectations from time to time, but never the big things. Every goal I set for myself I achieved. But as a mom — the one thing I really wanted to get right in life — I was failing.

I wanted everyone to believe I was capable of handling the two beautiful boys God gave me, but I wasn’t.

I wanted everyone to believe I could juggle work, kids, husband, home and church with ease, but I couldn’t.

I wanted everyone to believe crying babies, nursing problems, shift work and the Terrible Twos weren’t too much for me all at once, but they were.

And what I really wanted everyone to believe — that I was a confident, capable, smart, fully independent woman — was keeping me from admitting the truth. I didn’t have what it took.

Motherhood showed me just how much I needed Jesus. 

It scraped me, rubbed me raw and pressed ugly emotions and words out of my heart I didn’t even know were there.

If you asked people I grew up with to describe my personality, I’m happy to report words like “angry, insensitive, overbearing, short-tempered and unkind” would not have topped the list. But there, sitting on my front porch in front of all my neighbors, not really caring who saw, I realized the woman I so proudly presented to others wasn’t the real me.

The truth taunted me and beat me down. The person I thought I was didn’t exist, and for the first time, I couldn’t fix my situation by working a little bit harder. My need was greater than my ability. I simply couldn’t do it by myself.

Why does it take motherhood to bring out the worst in us? Maybe it’s because most of us have never really been pressed so hard, pushed so hard or loved so hard. We’re like children eating a jelly-filled donut. When little hands squeeze, the jelly hiding inside dumps into their lap … and when life presses a mama too hard, sin lurking in her heart comes out and dumps on the people she loves most.

I love today’s key verse, Psalm 119:11. I learned it as a child, and its simplicity is the perfect antidote to my challenging, chaotic mothering days: “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”

I learned a life lesson that day I hope will stick with me forever. What’s in our hearts will come out, good or bad. In order to be the kind of godly women we want to be, we have to store God’s Word in our hearts, letting it change who we are in our most-hidden places, so when we’re pressed, His love pours out.

Father, give me a never-ending desire to spend my moments storing up the treasures in Your Word, so that when I’m pressed by life’s challenges I might not sin against You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:

Matthew 12:34b, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (ESV)

Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (ESV)

feel it coming on

Back in 2012, I wrote a post about how I felt like I was slipping into a valley.  Part of the Christian walk is sanctification. It's painful. It's raw. It's hard. But it's life giving. It's God loving us so incredibly much that He refines us in the fire to make us more like Him.

I feel like I'm unraveling... ripping at the seams. I can't do it all. I can't keep it all together.  God's been tugging at my heart for a few weeks.  It started when I realized my priorities were all messed up.    Since then, I've been thinking about all that is expected of me... cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, spending time with each one (kids and husband), activities, exercise, etc.

It's honestly made me depressed because I know I can't do it all.  So I went to my doctor and asked him to do a full blood panel to see where my hormones, thyroid, and vitamin levels were at. I'll get those results in two weeks.  But while I was there, he told me to "give yourself grace.  You're in a difficult stage of life having three kids under five, all in diapers, with a high needs baby.  It's hard for anyone and you don't have to have it all together. I've seen so many moms in here that are your age and learning to handle three. It's normal."

Then I went to a friends house and told her I was struggling adjusting to three. Again, she said "give yourself grace.  Do what you need to do to stay sane... put kids in daycare, have a sitter come watch them so you can get out for a few hours, hire a maid.  It's worth your sanity in the end."

I had a horrible workout at the gym yesterday, nothing seemed to go right, and I left feeling fat, weak, and defeated. My sister said "give yourself grace! We all have hard workouts."

Today at gymnastics, I saw behavior in Joshua that frustrated me to no end!  He was constantly bouncing up and down, trying to get attention from the teacher. He hit another child and was put in timeout, and he sat there repeatedly asking "when can I get up?" Totally obnoxious and horrifyingly embarrassing.  I pulled him from the class and called my mom.  After remembering he was also difficult at Cubbies last night, I realized he probably has ADHD and super impulsive and just can't control himself.  I've taught students exactly like him.  As a teacher, they are a nightmare because they require so much attention, drain all of your energy, and take away from the rest of the class. So my first thought was, put him on medication!  I'll have a different child and maybe my life will finally be easier.

But I've always been on the fence about medicating children for attention issues, especially this young. So I called my mom, who raised my ADD brother and experienced medication firsthand. She agreed that Joshua is hyperactive but she said my goal should be to teach him how to manage that.  At his age, I just need to constantly be aware of how he can expend his energy.  Instead of just putting him outside and shutting the door, I should play soccer with him, ride bikes, go on walks, jump on the trampoline, set up relays and obstacle courses. She also encouraged me to have a routine.  These are things I know from working at Shelton and can easily implement.  Instead of wanting a different child, she encouraged me to be a different mom... the one God created and has molded me to be for Joshua. My training and time at Shelton (and passion for special needs children) had a very specific purpose, as did my years of infertility, and all my years living in a homeschool family.  I've begged the Lord to help me attach to Joshua.  And somehow, I know this is going to draw us closer together.

But it won't be easy.  My time is so torn right now between tending to the house, spending time with Anchor so he can develop muscles to sit up and crawl, homeschooling, training Maverick, etc.  How can I possibly add one more thing to the list?!?!

I feel like the "give yourself grace" comments are a copout.  We all have struggles and have to learn how to juggle life.  We can't just sit around waiting for the problems to fix themselves.

So where does this leave me?!?  Desperate for more of Christ.  I absolutely cannot do this by myself.  But God has given me Himself, and a supportive husband, family, and friends.  Through Him, I can learn how to raise a special needs, adopted child, as well as our two other boys (who will have their own struggles and needs).  So I may be entering a valley, but I am not alone.  I thought of the song "Feel It Coming On" by delirious.  Here are some of the lyrics that spoke to me today:

"Reach inside of me, deeper than before.
Would You tear away this old man, bring peace to this old war.
See Your piercing eyes, burn me like a fire.
If You have me I will run, to finish all that You've begun. 

Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as You walk into the darkest night.
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk beneath Your shining light.
Hold me, hold me, will You come? To be with me when the day is done?
Hold me, hold me, hold me tight as I walk into Your burning light."

I'm so thankful He's here.  This is truly an answer to my prayers.  Not at all the one I was expecting.  But one that sounds exactly like my God. He doesn't give us the easy way... He gives us what will bring us closer to Him and make us more like Christ.  Oh how grateful I am He doesn't just give us what we want!  Yes, my days are long and hard.  But I am choosing joy!

Thank You God for tearing away the ugly parts of me.  Thank You for being faithful to complete the work You began in me.  Thank You that I'll never walk alone.  Thank You for Your shining light.  This mountain I am climbing is still so high, still so steep.  But You are not in a hurry, You're not going anywhere, and You aren't letting me quit.  You are gently teaching me, leading me, loving me, pushing me, encouraging me, changing me.  I know I won't recognize myself once I reach the top.  I pray that I'll see You instead! Oh how eager I am to see the fruit that this produces and how You will use this for good, for Your glory.

the struggle is real

I knew I'd struggle with three boys... but I didn't think it would be this hard.

How do I keep my priorities straight?

What should my priorities be?  Homeschooling over cleaning, or vice versa?  Exercise over healthy eating, or vice versa?  Playdates or staying home, or vice versa?  Bible study or sleep, or vice versa?

Tonight was rough, mainly because it ended with Kenny leaving the house mad, and me at home with three starving screaming boys and ten minutes until bedtime.

But let's back up a few hours.

Kenny had agreed to watch the boys so I could try Camp Gladiator with a friend.  It was an hour class that started at 5:15 so I knew I wouldn't be home until 6:30.  This is hands down the most difficult time of day:

• Anchor wants to be held constantly.  
• Dinner needs to be made... and if it's healthy, it requires more than just turning on the oven.
• Joshua and Maverick are competing for dad's attention and he's ready to wind down from a hard day of work.  
• I'm usually ready to run out of the house screaming, desperate for some peace and quiet. 

So I was grateful for the time to workout, especially knowing the sacrifice Kenny was making to watch all three boys at this time.

To make matters worse, the house was a wreck.  Toys were strewn everywhere, even though we had cleaned up a few hours earlier.  I had made plans to cook taco salad, but sorely underestimated my time, and therefore nothing was ready.  And Kenny had plans to meet a friend for dinner at 8, but needed to run a few errands first (unbeknownst to me).

After my workout, I saw a text from Kenny that said:

"I can not function with such a f***in messy house."

Ouch!  I knew I had been slacking and, although I hate to admit it, was waiting for him to mention something before getting my act together.  He had remained quiet about his frustration, but was now at his breaking point.

I pulled into the driveway at 6:40.  Kenny came out, fuming mad, and announced he needed to get a hair cut, get his car washed, and then sit in traffic to be to dinner by 8.  The boys had not eaten (because I didn't tell him what to make) and they were supposed to be in bed in 10 minutes.  AND Anchor was sitting in his swing, screaming.

Completely defeated, I walked inside and wanted to melt into a puddle and cry.  My six month old baby was screaming, desperately wanting to be held.  Joshua and Maverick were both begging for food and attention.  And the house truly was a disaster.  I couldn't believe I actually left with it looking so bad.

I had messed up... really, really bad.  And all I knew to do was pray.  Lord, show me what to do.  Okay, first things first.  My boys needed physical food, and fast.

I threw them in the car and drove up to Sonic.  ***I'm technically supposed to be on day 24 of Whole 30, a very clean eating plan.  However,  I decided I wanted to spend the last week of this learning how to incorporate Whole 30 into my life, my reality.  And tonight, fast food was more important than making my kids wait another hour so I could prepare a healthy meal (which should have already been made). Lesson learned.***  Along the way, I poured out my heart to the Lord.  I confessed that I had screwed up.  Working out can not happen when our home is a wreck, dinner is not ready, and the kids are needing some attention.  It just can't.  I don't want it to and don't feel like it should ever be a priority over managing the home.

I also told the Lord I can't seem to do it all!  How do I spend time helping Anchor learn to sit up (while constantly cleaning up his spit-up), playing with my Maverick, or homeschooling Joshua AND keep the house clean?!?  I feel like I live life in a constant daze, probably a little depressed, just hoping the hours pass by.  Anchor is our last baby and I hate that I just want this season to be over.  I'm so tired of being tied down to my house, and a schedule, and burp cloths and towels, and spit-up!  I just want to enjoy my arrows and this precious time with them, while keeping the other demands of life in balance.  It must be possible or He wouldn't call me to it.  So I prayed that He would show me how to structure my day so that I learn to fit it all in.  Someone once told me God put 24 hours in a day for a very specific reason... it's not too few and not too many.  So somehow, there MUST be a way to get it all in. I just need to seek Him and have Him show me how to do it.  It can't be in my own strength or I will always come up short.

When we got back home, I handed the boys their burgers, started Anchor's bottle, and turned on some worship music.  After finally getting the boys in bed, I went to work cleaning the house.  I was supposed to meet Melissa for Bible study, but I asked her to postpone.  I hated that my screwup affected her, but I felt it was important to show Kenny I heard him and I was truly sorry for letting things get so bad.  There really was no excuse.

Tonight I learned how much Kenny depends on me to be a good housewife, just like I depend on him to provide for us.  I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be checking out at the grocery store only to find there's no money in the account.  Or to have my card declined at the gas station when my car is completely empty.  We live in a gorgeous home and want for very little, thanks to Kenny's good stewardship of the money/resources God has given us.  I want to pull the same weight on my end.  The Lord showed me I can't focus so much on being mom (or worse, my own selfish desires to look good) that I lose sight of what I was created to be... Kenny's helpmate!  Even though spending time with the boys is good and important, it's not to be above keeping the house warm and welcoming for Kenny to come home to.  I should make sure his needs are met first, and then take care of the children.

God forgive me for being so selfish!  I'm sorry for allowing my selfish desires to look good and get back in shape stand in the way of doing what You've created me to do.  I know You have the answers for how to structure my day so that the house is clean and welcoming when Kenny gets home, dinner is prepared, AND the kids feel loved and nurtured because I've spent time with them too.  It seems impossible to me Lord, but I know with Your wisdom, guidance, and strength, I can do anything.  Show me what needs to be cut from my day... time on my phone/computer, nap, running errands, etc.  What should my priorities be and in what order?  Help me remember to start each day by asking You what You have for me.  I don't want to continue down this path of selfishness.  Teach me to be what You created me to be, Your daughter, Kenny's helpmate, and then boymom.  This season of raising young children is so, so short.  When my days seem long and overwhelming, remind me that what I'm doing matters to You.  I want to give it my all.  I need You, God.  I desperately, desperately need You.  The struggle is real... but You are the answer!

progress - something's got to change

At the beginning of this year, I made some goals with an actual intention of keeping them.  This is how it's going:

1. spend time in the Word daily - Unfortunately, this hasn't happened at all.  I am reading through Dangerous Duty of Delight with Melissa, but that's not the same as spending time in His Word, listening to Him, and seeking what He has for me and our family.  So Kenny and I hope to start getting up around 6 or 6:30 to read our Bibles and pray together.  We've discussed reading through Romans since we are studying it in our homegroup.  I also plan to start the Busy Mamas Bible Study on Psalm 22.  And I just need to start praying more... for Kenny, our boys, our family, our friends, our country.  The list could go on and on.  I plan to keep an ongoing list of prayers in my phone so whenever the opportunity presents itself, I will have a plan and be able to focus my time wisely.

2. be up before kids - This has been difficult as our sleep has been more interrupted lately. Joshua has started waking up screaming again.  We ask him what's wrong and he has no idea.  I think it's either night terrors or spiritual warfare. We play Scripture Lullabies in his room all night and I'm trying to remember to pray over them and their room before bed.  But I'm often so exhausted at the end of the day that my good intentions seem to disappear.  But regardless of how much sleep we get, I need to be up before them.  Hopefully goal #1 will help in this area.

3. keep house clean and welcoming -  I think a schedule will help in this area.  But I need to make one and think about it more... in all my spare time.

4. homeschool Joshua - This has been going very well! I just need my kids to stay healthy and we could get more accomplished.  I'm loving our curriculum and Joshua's enthusiasm for it as well.  It's been great fun so far!

5. spend time with each child individually every day -  Yup, need to work on this too.  Why can't I clone myself!?!?

6. establish bedtime routine - We were doing pretty good with this. I've slacked the last few weeks, but it should be pretty easy to resume. This has been a good reminder!

7. make four homemade meals per week - Lately I've been very convicted about my eating habits.  Food has definitely been an emotional release and I'll even say it's become an idol.  The Lord has shown me He created food to give our bodies (our temple - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20) fuel and energy so we can accomplish His will.  It's not supposed to replace seeking Him when our lives become stressful and difficult.  Yet, that's what I've been doing.  So I started Whole 30 today!!!  I won't be eating sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, dairy, or processed foods for 30, yes thirty, days!  It's required a lot of meal planning and shopping but I'm pretty excited about it.  Eating Whole 30 also means I will be making ALL of my meals.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner... no eating out, no cheat meals, no shortcuts.  I also know it's going to be tough... and I figure it will be like drug withdrawals.  The first few days/weeks will be the worst.  But eventually my body will be so much healthier, my habits changed, my mom pooch gone (hopefully), and I'll be free from my sugar addiction! I'm eager to see my results!!!

8. exercise three times a week - I started out exercising every day... that lasted two weeks!  I'm hoping to start walking more (with the boys!!) and to keep working out as well.  I just feel so much better when I do.  It's time consuming and I don't want it becoming a higher priority than spending time with God, so I've got to figure out how to fit it into my day.

I feel like so many areas of my life need a drastic change and ASAP.  I know that all of this can't be fixed tomorrow.  Lord, show me the areas that are most important and need attention now.  Show me how to structure my day so that I can be most glorifying to You.  I want to be a vessel fit for Your use.

my first *almost* emergency room trip as a mom

I know as a mom of three boys that trips to the ER are inevitable. But I don't think any amount of experience or knowledge could prepare me for how scary it is. My emotions become involved so quickly, everything seems to escalate, and before I know it fear has completely taken over.

Here's how it went down:

I was making the kids breakfast while Kenny fed Anchor his bottle. I noticed he kept gagging and I thought it was odd but didn't pay much else attention to it. After Anchor finished, he kept choking and seemed to have trouble breathing. I noticed a rash around his mouth and neck. I showed Kenny but he didn't seem concerned, made comments about how I was overreacting, and went to work.

8:52AM

I took off Anchor's amber teething necklace and posted this picture on my Stone Soup Group Facebook page hoping someone knew what it was.  Meanwhile, Anchor kept gagging, choking, and acting like he couldn't breathe. I became really concerned but had no idea what to do. Then he started vomiting... and didn't stop! I finally realized Kenny had given him raw cow's milk instead of the goat milk. (He refused to apologize for it which escalated into a fight, so now we weren't talking.) I felt better knowing what it was, but still didn't have a peace about doing nothing.  I put him in the bathtub and texted the picture to Janette.  The rash was quickly spreading and Anchor continued to vomit. I called my pediatrician (who is 45 minutes away!) and the nurse said she needed to ask the doctor and would call me back.

8:19AM

Janette saw this picture and said take him to the ER. She had been texting a friend of hers who was a nurse. This really freaked me out... the rash was spreading so fast! I had the boys, Kenny was mad and headed to work, how could this be happening!?!? I called Melissa, but she didn't answer. Great, the boys now had to go with me. The doctor's office called back and said to bring him in. I responded that they were too far and I was on my way to the ER. I threw the boys into the car - Joshua was in shorts and no shoes, Maverick was still in his pajamas. Neither had coats and with the windchill temps were in the 20s!

I told Janette I didn't even know where the ER was... (awesome, I now sound like a complete idiot to my mother-in-law). She texted a location and I just started driving. Kenny met me there (much to my surprise). I went in and they told me there was an hour and a half wait! I told them this was an emergency and they informed they were not an ER.  I felt completely humiliated and asked them where one was.

We got back in the car and headed five minutes down the street to the *real* ER. By this time, Anchor's rash had greatly improved, he wasn't vomiting, and had actually fallen asleep. Kenny asked why were even taking him in and I told him because his mom and our pediatrician said to. Kenny again explained that I was overreacting since we knew what this was from. He said to give him Benadryl and take him home.

Thankfully, by the time I got home, his rash was almost completely gone and I never had to give him Benadryl (praise the Lord)!  And the lesson we all learned: Anchor can't have dairy! At least not now, and we'll have to do some allergy testing. I'm praying he won't have an allergy. What a nightmare that will be!

When all was said and done, I realized I'm thankful for Kenny's wisdom and ability to think clearly when all else seems to be falling apart. I learned I need to pray for peace and not allow fear to take over. I don't want to be a weak, incompetent, fearful mom who becomes a wreck the moment something bad happens. I'm so grateful this situation was nothing worse and that God protected Anchor from a more serious allergic reaction.

family verse and goals for 2016

I cannot believe it's 2016 already. And I absolutely cannot believe I have three beautiful boys... SONS!  Husband and I were sitting on the couch watching TV last week and it hit me.

We are parents...

of three boys...

three long awaited, dreamed of, prayed for, and worked for boys.

How did we get here?!?!?  It seems like yesterday I was jumping up and down at the thought of Kenny wanting to be in a relationship with me. I was still living with my parents and had many years of school ahead of me.

Each and every year with Kenny has been amazing, even with the ups and downs of marriage, work, infertility, and life in general.

2015 was difficult with my pregnancy and birth of Anchor, who has been somewhat of a high-maintenance baby.  In the first few months he cried often, spit up his body weight in milk, and nursing was a huge challenge. I've recently switched to raw goat's milk and I think we are making progress!

I'm always grateful for another year.  I see it as a chance to refocus and new opportunities and adventures are waiting to be found. What I'm looking forward to in 2016:

• learning how to be a homeschooling mom of 3, while maintaining my role as wife
• homeschooling Joshua
• new friendships
• family vacations
• training for my second sprint triathlon (in October)

My goal this year is to learn how to juggle all the demands of life: spending time with Jesus (my Maker and Savior), being a wife, being a mom, homeschooling, keeping our house a welcoming home, and developing deeper/more meaningful friendships.  It's important to me to keep my priorities in line and not lose sight of my calling as a stay-at-home mom.  It may not be the most glorious and highly-sought-after profession, but it's been my desire for as long as I can remember. It's where God has purposefully placed me, and because of that, it's where I can honor Him most. In the monotony of my daily life - the laundry, discipline, cleaning, and fight to spend time with God, my husband, and each child - I want to glorify Him, to point back to Him, to be His light and His hands wherever I go and whatever I do.  I'm so grateful I have the Holy Spirit to help me do my job well, because this will be no easy task.

So our family verse for this year comes from Joshua:

"This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:8-9

The battles Joshua and his armies fought are not so different from ours.  They wanted to claim the land God had given them.  But first they needed to get the enemy out.  So much of our culture and society looks down on children and motherhood and places value on materialistic things.  But my boys, my arrows, are eternal. And there is no greater war than the one for their souls. And many of those battles are fought on my knees, and in my time spent with them, teaching them about the Lord and how much He loves us. Oh how I long for them to see me spend time with our Maker, delighting in Him and hiding His Word in my heart.

Knowing what last year's verse has come to mean for me and our family, I'm eager to see what the Lord does in my heart this year.

My *more specific* goals for this year are:

1. spend time in the Word daily
2. be up before kids (around 6:30) especially on weekdays
3. keep house clean and welcoming (worship music and candles!)
4. homeschool Joshua
5. spend time with each child individually every day
6. establish bedtime routine
7. make four homemade meals each week
8. exercise three times per week (at first, gradually increase to five)
9. blog two to three times per week
10. extremely limit Facebook - on Saturday only!

I hope to blog periodically about how I'm doing with these goals. I don't want to call them New Year's Resolutions because I'd be a complete failure at all of them already.  

To Him be the glory!

when roseola came to visit

Last Wednesday, Janette watched the boys while Kenny and I went to our first counseling appointment.  When we picked them up, I noticed Maverick was really warm.  I found out he had been running a fever and that she had given him a dose of Tylenol.

That night he was up several times, burning hot! The next morning I took his temperature and it was around 103.  I realize that's not super high, but it's the highest fever Maverick has ever had.  All he did was lay around and sleep.  I couldn't get him to drink or eat much.  Around lunch time his eyes started to glaze over and I knew he must feel horrible.  I gave him another dose of Tylenol, but was trying not to bring the fever down too much as I know it fights infection.  I put him in a bath with apple cider vinegar and my poor buddy just looked at me like he wanted to die. Miserable for both of us.  Throughout the day, I boosted his immune system with elderberry syrup, a wellness formula, and Thieves.  While natural healing isn't quick, I know it's so much better for their immune systems.

We had plans to go to Babe's with the Merrimans for dinner so I called a sitter.  I felt horrible leaving my sweet, sick boy but I knew all he'd do is sleep.

On Friday, his fever was still high (staying between 102-104) but he had no other symptoms.  Everything inside of me was screaming to call the doctor.  But logically, I knew there wasn't much a doctor could do.  I didn't want him on antibiotics and if it was a virus, it just has to run its course.  He continued to sleep a lot and it was work to get him to eat and drink.  He'd eat two eggs for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, and oatmeal for dinner.

By Friday evening, I was starting to get worried that I could not get his fever to break. I told Kenny to pick up some ibuprofen.  We gave it to Maverick around 5:30 and within twenty minutes he was a different kid! He was running around, smiling, talking, and eating!!  Talk about mommy guilt... I had been giving him the wrong medicine!!! At least he had some relief and I got my buddy back.

Saturday he woke up with a much lower fever, only 100-101.  He continued to snuggle and sleep a lot, but seemed a little more interactive when he was awake. He would try to play but after a few minutes, he'd crawl back up on the couch.

On Sunday morning, the fever was completely gone but his belly was covered in a rash!  My poor buddy just couldn't catch a break!! The rash didn't seem to bother him, but he continued to sleep a lot.

This morning his rash had spread all over his body.  I researched a little, and from what I can tell this horrible virus is called roseola.  The rash is a reaction to his high fever that lasted so long.  It's supposed to go away in 2-3 days so I'm hoping praying he's significantly better tomorrow.  If not, I can't guarantee a call to Dr. Chartrand won't be happening.

I miss my happy little buddy who's always smiling and playing peek-a-boo.  I miss him eating and drinking all day long.  I miss his smiles and hugs... snuggles from a burning hot, sick little baby just aren't the same (though they are still so sweet).  I miss hearing his laugh and the stories he tries so hard to tell us.

I hope roseola packs up and goes home soon.  He was never welcome in the first place.

Still, I'm thankful we serve a healing God who cares more about my little one than I could ever dream of.  I'm thankful for natural remedies.  I'm beyond grateful that I'm able to stay at home with my boys and don't have the added stress of missing work or finding someone else to take care of them and nurse them back to health.  I'm thankful for Kenny's support to treat our boys naturally first, but if/when needed, he's also supportive of seeing a doctor.

climbing mount everest

I feel like I'm at the foot of Mt. Everest.  Like we're beginning a long, uphill battle.  But instead of having the proper training, education, and physical ability, I'm uninformed, overwhelmed, and physically weak. The only thing I know for sure is God is on our side and He WILL fight on our behalf! I've seen it before... I've physically seen Him move mountains and do the impossible! It brings tears to my eyes remembering how capable He is when all hope seems lost. I'm clinging to those miracles I've witnessed and pressing on, stepping out into deep, unknown territory.

We've recently noticed some attachment issues with Joshua.  Honestly, I feel I've seen it for a long time and just refused to believe it was true.  I desperately wanted to believe that once we adopted Joshua it would be smooth sailing. That because we were a loving, Christian family everything would be perfect... having an adopted child would be just like having our own biological child.

But I was so wrong. This is only the beginning. The beginning of therapy, support groups, meeting with other adoptive families for direction, encouragement, and wisdom... and lots of prayer! Not to mention unlimited financial resources.  I'm so thankful the Lord has provided for us and that Kenny has more than enough work to keep him busy.  But right now it's hard to see how our time and money spent will pay off.

How can a counselor help my 4 year old?
He doesn't understand so much of what I tell him, what good will counseling do?
How can he remember what happened to him at 6 months, or 12 months? That can't possibly still be affecting him!
He just needs more discipline... or does he need more love?
Doesn't he know I'm his mother and I'll keep him safe? I've told him a thousand times!
Why can't I ever satisfy this child's hunger?
Why does he ask everyone for food instead of me?
Why does he warm up so quickly to strangers and completely ignore me when they're around?
Why is he having so much trouble obeying?
Do I find Christian counselors or adoption counselors?
Do Kenny and I need therapy, or just Joshua, or both?
Does he need a neuropsychological evaluation?
Does he need medication?
Can't I just pray over this situation and let God handle it?

So many questions running through my mind! I don't know where to start.  I want someone to come alongside us, take our hand, and sh
ow us step by step what to do. What are the good resources? What is money well spent?  What are we doing wrong, what (if anything) are we doing right?

I've been given a thousand books but they all seem to pertain to international adoptions or children that have been in and out of foster homes for years.  I know several adoption agencies require parenting/attachment classes.  Ummmm... I'm about to have a baby in fourteen weeks! I don't have time for classes! And this needs attention now!

It's been about a week of emailing, asking around, praying, and searching for answers and I've finally got some direction.

Counseling through Christian Works.  Their therapists work with children and couples and use Theraplay (will have to expand on that later when I find out what it is).  They were recommended to us through Denton Bible Church. It won't be cheap but I'm trusting the Lord will provide.

Support from:
Melissa - dear friend who lives down the street; has 1 biological and 1 adopted
Bridget - family friend of Wrights; has 2 biological children and 4 adopted
Meg - child diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder)
Amy - my former mentor; has 2 biological children and 2 adopted 
*I'm hoping to meet a few more moms who live near HV that could form a support group/prayer team.  It's definitely going to take one to get me through this!

Books:
Attaching in Adoption
Toddler Adoption
The Connected Child


Bridget wrote me an email earlier today describing her experience with her now eighteen year old daughter whom they adopted at age three.  The things she described could be Joshua:
-went to anyone who was nice to her
-did not know how to live in a family and did whatever they could to gain attention
-often disobedient and untruthful
-did not seem to have a sense of right and wrong
-did not view them as mother and father which made it difficult to bond

Her solutions:
-establish myself first as his mother, not as his disciplinarian
-establish a nurturing bond rather than a disciplinarian bond
-show him affection and love and praise, even though I don't feel those things strongly right now
-hold him often and cuddled him even when I don't feel like it
-try to be more understanding and to give more grace when he misbehaves

Those things are SOOOO much easier said than done.  I know I have to be the "bigger person" and fight my frustration and aggravation with his behavior and lack of bonding.  He's only four, I can't expect him to be the one to attach first. 

But just to put a cherry on top, Anchor is coming in fourteen weeks (or less) along with unbalanced hormones and possible jealousy from Joshua and Maverick. 

Could this mountain get any taller!?!?

All I can keep saying to myself is "Lord I need You, oh I need You, every hour I need You"

I know He wants to show me I cannot get through one day, or even one hour, without Him.  I'm beyond grateful for His grace and mercies that are new each morning, His wisdom and direction, and His promise that He will never leave us.  I've been through enough trials to know it won't always be easy, but I am not alone. 

So I'm putting on the armor of God, and mustering up faith as small as a mustard seed, and I will climb this mountain!

old habits die hard

Joshua's had this fever since Saturday night. It fluctuates between 100-103. He complains of a stomach ache off and on, but nothing else. No vomiting. No diarrhea. No constipation. But he's also had no appetite, very unlike him. And has been pretty lethargic, also very unlike him.

My instinct (which I learned from being raised with this mindset) is to think worst case scenario with symptoms I'm not familiar with or have not experienced myself.  In my experience, fever has always been accompanied by something... pain, aches, vomiting, diarrhea, etc.  But I've also been told a low grade fever is GOOD as it fights off infection.  I've been warned about being too quick to reduce it.

But after 36 hours of fever!?!?  I've been racking my brain, scouring the internet, texting friends, trying to figure out what this could be.

I'd ask Joshua questions, but our conversations go like this:

me: What's wrong?
J: My tummy hurts.
me: Where?
J: I don't know.
me: What else is wrong? Do you hurt anywhere else?
J:  Yes.
me: Where?  (becoming extremely frustrated)
J: I don't know.
me: Does your forehead hurt?
J: Yes.
me: Does your throat hurt?
J: Yes.
me: Does your leg hurt?  (wondering if he knows what he's saying)
J:  Yes.

It's so difficult to "diagnose" a patient that doesn't clearly communicate what ails them.

Fearing the worst, thinking this has gone on long enough, knowing doctors must have a way to treat patients that can't communicate, I asked Kenny if I could call the pediatrician and take Joshua in.

Kenny's response: He's fine!

Immediately, my mind started to race with fears of Joshua having a ruptured appendix, an infection that spread rapidly throughout his body, or even dying!

I began pleading with Kenny to make him see my point of view and agree that Joshua should see the doctor. My volume level quickly escalated to a yell, and I was holding Maverick.  Kenny shut down and left the house.

I texted Lindsay to hear her thoughts. As a mom of four, who RARELY takes her kids to the doctor, and who treats them naturally, I knew she'd point me in the right direction.

Her response: He's fine!

REALLY!?!?!?

But it was quickly followed by a phone call. (Thank You Lord!)  She explained her thought process: Fever fights off infection. He had a stomach bug on Thursday/Friday, got the fever on Saturday night. His body was learning to heal itself.  (This little boy was constantly on antibiotics and in and out of the hospital from birth to age two. His body didn't do anything on its own until we adopted him.) Joshua's recovery from the stomach bug was going to look different than mine and Kenny's.  I needed to continue to boost his immune system and give him plenty of water. It would just take time. After a week, I might have reason to be concerned.

Her explanation made perfect sense. Healing naturally always takes more time, but it strengthens our immune system! Joshua's little body is starting from scratch, learning how to heal and fight infection without antibiotics. I felt like Kenny's response was simply because he didn't want to waste $80 on a doctor visit and not because he truly believed that Joshua was okay.

I'm so thankful for Lindsay's patience and willingness to help me think logically and not let my fears force me to go against Kenny's will by taking Joshua in. A lot of people tell me to trust my mommy instincts, and because of that I was tempted to just make an appointment and go in. But I want to be careful that my "mommy instincts" are not coming from a place of fear and doubt but from a heart that's sought the Lord, prayed for His will, and thought logically about what's best for our family.

The phrase "old habits die hard" came to mind today as I've realized I'm really going to have to work at not thinking worst case scenario whenever our kids get sick.  I want Kenny to respect me and my instincts regarding their health, especially since I'm with them all day. But that will never happen when I'm acting from a place of fear.

Thankfully, I have the Holy Spirit's guidance, strength, and help in changing my thought process. "God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-control." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Lord, help me seek You first whenever our children get sick. You are the Healer, You created our bodies to heal themselves, and gave us natural medicines to help the process and strengthen our bodies. Help me to think rationally before letting fear rule my decisions. Amen.

heart of stone

Our infertility battle is over and we have been abundantly blessed with two amazing, incredible, precious little boys! They have added so much joy to our lives and we are learning how to function as a family of four now.

But in my heart I'm really struggling.  My heart has been so incredibly beat down by the years I spent begging and pleading with the Lord for a child. It's become a "heart of stone" to say the least. I stopped working at the church nursery long ago and started teaching higher grade levels at school. I've completely forgotten what little ones are like and lost sight of the kind of mother I dreamed of being for so many years. 

Yes, God has more than answered my prayers and in such incredible ways.  So why the struggle?  

It wasn't the way I wanted. It wasn't in my timing. It wasn't what I envisioned my family would look like.

How selfish can I be?!?

The God of the universe stooped down to bless His child (and in a miraculous way) and yet I'm still wanting to be angry and bitter.  

Ezekiel 36:26-27 says:

"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My statutes and be careful to obey My rules."

Oh how grateful I am that the Lord has beat me down to a place where I am so desperate for more of Him. And it's so different from the place of desperation I was in before when I was praying for children. 

I used to ask "Why, oh God, are you withholding blessings from us?" And now I'm asking "How am I to be a Christlike example to these little boys each and every day when I'm so exhausted?"

I used to think God was so far away and that He had forgotten about me (which is a lie from the enemy).  Now I'm realizing I'm the one who's drifted away from Him and have tried to do this "mothering thing" on my own.

Oh how wrong my mentality of thinking is: "I got my blessings God, thank You, I'll take it from here."

Battles are being fought daily for the souls of my sweet boys, and Joshua more so than Maverick because of where he came from. How foolish of me to not only be bitter about my situation but to think I can fight these battles alone. I'm thankful I serve a God who is infinitely more patient than I and who is willing to change my heart of stone.

Oh God, hear my weary heart! Forgive me for being so incredibly selfish and for not praising You daily for the miracles You have performed in our lives. Forgive me for thinking I can do this alone. Change my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Put Your Spirit within me so that I can be an example of Christ to my boys. Revive my wounded heart and fill it to overflowing with Your joy and the desires I used to have of being a fun mommy. Help me love on Joshua more and to tell him how thankful I am that You brought him into our family. Teach me how to mother these boys that You have entrusted to me.