I know. I said I was going to start blogging, and then somehow life got away from me.
I keep falling back into these bouts of just going through the motions. I love my life. I serve a mighty God who has big things for me. But I struggle, really struggle, with believing that and putting what He says into action.
I battle laziness... a lot. It's definitely a giant I've needed to kill for far too long.
This year, I started reading Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. (She has become a "mentor" to me through her books and podcasts and blog posts. I hope to attend her conference this year, but covid has put a lovely hold on that.)
My favorite thing to do is make excuses. I've become quite the expert at it, unfortunately. And this year I set out to change that. Though here I am... still failing.
Laziness and excuses don't exactly make for a life lived with purpose and passion. It's definitely not something I want to be remembered for or pass on to my boys.
I'm not exactly sure how to change. I know it's going to take effort... day after day, one step at a time, over and over again.
This is the verse God has laid on my heart for this year. Psalm 37:3
"Trust in the LORD, and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."
1. I am to trust in the Lord, not myself. I need to let go of control! (ahem... thank you coronavirus!)
2. Instead of wishing for different circumstances, another phase of life, or a supernatural change in my personality, I need to dwell right where I'm at. Dwell means to live in a specified place... a place my God chose for me. (Acts 17:26) What good can I be doing right here, where He has me?
3. definition of cultivate - "try to acquire or develop; apply oneself to improving or developing"
I need to own my life! To cultivate a deep faith and responsibility for what God has given me.
I don't think it's a coincidence we started planting a garden a few weeks ago... though I didn't know it at the time. (see post about how it all started)
Despite ALL of my shortcomings, I know God is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and mercy. And that is what keeps me getting out of bed, still trying to change, even though I fail time and time again.
The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.
FINALLY.
The key: spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.
Oh what a dry season I have been through! Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.
Looking back, I see that I shut down. I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses. Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew. Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew. I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time. And sure enough, 2016 came and went.
But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood. I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow. I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.
So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system). Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:
January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)
January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me
January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me
January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises
January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too
Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write. How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!? About motherhood? About life and joy? About purpose?
ALL of them.
How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!
My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!
BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me! I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.
I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)
God has done His part. He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua. I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.
In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it. I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.
The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too
Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them. What more peace can there be?! There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.
So there it is: "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest." (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)
Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily. While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance. I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me. I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith. As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year. But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me. But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.
I know He will continue to be faithful.
Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother. This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day. I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.
5. state fair with Crowells - here are some highlights
ready to watch the parade
6. Christmas in Austin
7. Allen's Holiday Soiree "afterparty: - where Kenny and I got caught having a little too much fun in the car afterwards. It's definitely something I can look back on and laugh about. But in the moment, I was completely humiliated!! The party was so much fun and it was pretty cool being "the contractor's wife!" I felt like a movie star.
8. Arrow's Academy began - it's been a dream of mine for so long!! We are still working out the kinks, but I'm so thankful I'm able to homeschool our boys. They are pretty excited about it too... just look at their faces upon receiving their school for next year!
9. Fossil Rim
10. field trips and fellowship with great friends - We've been blessed to go on so many great field trips with our homeschool group. I love the weather in Texas is nice 90% of the time. There is so much to do year round!
And there have been countless late nights at our house playing games with friends, listening to music in the park, grilling/cooking, and enjoying each other's company. Our hearts (and tummies) are very full!
trolley in Downtown Dallas
Highland Park Soda Fountain
Heard Museum in McKinney
Irving Symphony Orchestra
Henrietta Creek Apple Orchard
Dallas Zoo
Arbor Hills Nature Preserve
We are also so blessed and grateful for our health and Kenny's great year of business. We also took a Growing Kids Gods Way class that taught us so much about parenting - structure, discipline, and creating a family that our kids love to be a part of. I'm beyond grateful for our teachers, Terry and Michelle Holmes, and eager to see the fruit and God's faithfulness as we carry out what we learned.
the not-so-memorable memories: *I debated listing the worst memories of the year, because who wants to dwell on calamity? But I realized it's also a way to see the Lord's faithfulness and to remember it's only a season. He is good... all the time!
1. Anchor's two weeks of throwing up daily - grateful for doctors and a new formula that stopped the throw up and FINALLY allowed our little guy to grow!
2. my horrible GI bug - a week before Christmas I got a nasty GI bug. I started out feeling like I had the flu. That went away within 12 hours, but then I felt nauseous and completely lost my appetite. This lasted a week, had me convinced I was pregnant (even though Kenny had a vasectomy over a year ago!), and had me laying on the couch all.day.long. 48 hours after it began, I started diarrhea that lasted three endless days. It was such a weird stomach bug, and I wonder if it even messed with my hormones. I felt depressed and remember praying that God would spare me! Looking back I can laugh about it, but I know in the moment I didn't think I'd make it through the day. Kenny had to watch the boys, cook, clean, and all in the midst of holiday activities. Words cannot express my gratitude to the Lord for seeing us all through this week.
3. Maverick peeing on himself and me storming out of my mom's house - We celebrate Christmas with my mom on New Year's Eve. It was chaotic (as usual) but we were also having some discipline issues with Joshua based on an event that had happened a week before. I was in the playroom talking to Joshua. Maverick need to go to the bathroom. Kenny says he called for me, but I never heard him. Maverick ended up peeing on himself (and his BRAND NEW SHOES)! I walk *outside* to find him standing in the front yard, and my brother and his girlfriend laughing at him! It infuriated me! I stripped Maverick down, loaded him in the car naked and told Kenny to load the boys up. I was livid and done! I stormed through the house to gather my things, which I know ruins the mood for everyone. An hour later, after calming down, I realized I completely overreacted and missed out on finishing up Christmas with my family. (Christmas with my dad was spent on the couch with my GI bug... so both were pretty frustrating this year.) I admitted to my family that I have an anger problem and need to seek help for it. I know it's okay to be angry but I have to learn to control my anger and not let it dictate my actions. Hopefully there will be victorious posts about this in the future.
I have so many blog posts to catch up on and plan to do so soon. I'm really hoping 2017 will a turning point for me as a wife and mom. There's so much I've always wanted to be and do and yet have continually made excuses not to do them. My goals for this year are the EXACT same as last year! And these goals aren't like "climb mount everest," or "start a company and be on Forbes Fortune 500 list within a year." It's simply to have a daily quiet time, get our school done, maintain a clean/welcoming home, and workout 4-5x per week. Why are these easy tasks so monumental for me?!? I feel so lazy and unproductive. I'm seeking the Lord for answers - where is my time being wasted? How do I manage it better? What do I prioritize? My mom had a schedule and stuck to it as much as possible. For a long time, I thought that wouldn't work for our family. But I'm starting to think otherwise... Oh how my prayer is to have a completely different post at the end of this year. I want to write about my success and victory in this area. I read in Joshua 18 today about the Israelites who had not yet claimed the land the Lord had already given to them. Joshua asked "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land?" I wonder if God is just as frustrated with me... wondering when I will step up and claim the life of victory His one and only Son died to give me! Ouch. At this point, all I know to do is take it one day at a time. Lord, help me! I'm still praying about and seeking confirmation for our family verse. More to come...
I cannot believe it's 2016 already. And I absolutely cannot believe I have three beautiful boys... SONS! Husband and I were sitting on the couch watching TV last week and it hit me.
We are parents...
of three boys...
three long awaited, dreamed of, prayed for, and worked for boys.
How did we get here?!?!? It seems like yesterday I was jumping up and down at the thought of Kenny wanting to be in a relationship with me. I was still living with my parents and had many years of school ahead of me.
Each and every year with Kenny has been amazing, even with the ups and downs of marriage, work, infertility, and life in general.
2015 was difficult with my pregnancy and birth of Anchor, who has been somewhat of a high-maintenance baby. In the first few months he cried often, spit up his body weight in milk, and nursing was a huge challenge. I've recently switched to raw goat's milk and I think we are making progress!
I'm always grateful for another year. I see it as a chance to refocus and new opportunities and adventures are waiting to be found. What I'm looking forward to in 2016:
learning how to be a homeschooling mom of 3, while maintaining my role as wife
homeschooling Joshua
new friendships
family vacations
training for my second sprint triathlon (in October)
My goal this year is to learn how to juggle all the demands of life: spending time with Jesus (my Maker and Savior), being a wife, being a mom, homeschooling, keeping our house a welcoming home, and developing deeper/more meaningful friendships. It's important to me to keep my priorities in line and not lose sight of my calling as a stay-at-home mom. It may not be the most glorious and highly-sought-after profession, but it's been my desire for as long as I can remember. It's where God has purposefully placed me, and because of that, it's where I can honor Him most. In the monotony of my daily life - the laundry, discipline, cleaning, and fight to spend time with God, my husband, and each child - I want to glorify Him, to point back to Him, to be His light and His hands wherever I go and whatever I do. I'm so grateful I have the Holy Spirit to help me do my job well, because this will be no easy task.
So our family verse for this year comes from Joshua:
"This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:8-9
The battles Joshua and his armies fought are not so different from ours. They wanted to claim the land God had given them. But first they needed to get the enemy out. So much of our culture and society looks down on children and motherhood and places value on materialistic things. But my boys, my arrows, are eternal. And there is no greater war than the one for their souls. And many of those battles are fought on my knees, and in my time spent with them, teaching them about the Lord and how much He loves us. Oh how I long for them to see me spend time with our Maker, delighting in Him and hiding His Word in my heart.
Knowing what last year's verse has come to mean for me and our family, I'm eager to see what the Lord does in my heart this year.
My *more specific* goals for this year are:
spend time in the Word daily
be up before kids (around 6:30) especially on weekdays
keep house clean and welcoming (worship music and candles!)
homeschool Joshua
spend time with each child individually every day
establish bedtime routine
make four homemade meals each week
exercise three times per week (at first, gradually increase to five)
blog two to three times per week
extremely limit Facebook - on Saturday only!
I hope to blog periodically about how I'm doing with these goals. I don't want to call them New Year's Resolutions because I'd be a complete failure at all of them already.
