I know. I said I was going to start blogging, and then somehow life got away from me.
I keep falling back into these bouts of just going through the motions. I love my life. I serve a mighty God who has big things for me. But I struggle, really struggle, with believing that and putting what He says into action.
I battle laziness... a lot. It's definitely a giant I've needed to kill for far too long.
This year, I started reading Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. (She has become a "mentor" to me through her books and podcasts and blog posts. I hope to attend her conference this year, but covid has put a lovely hold on that.)
My favorite thing to do is make excuses. I've become quite the expert at it, unfortunately. And this year I set out to change that. Though here I am... still failing.
Laziness and excuses don't exactly make for a life lived with purpose and passion. It's definitely not something I want to be remembered for or pass on to my boys.
I'm not exactly sure how to change. I know it's going to take effort... day after day, one step at a time, over and over again.
This is the verse God has laid on my heart for this year. Psalm 37:3
"Trust in the LORD, and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."
1. I am to trust in the Lord, not myself. I need to let go of control! (ahem... thank you coronavirus!)
2. Instead of wishing for different circumstances, another phase of life, or a supernatural change in my personality, I need to dwell right where I'm at. Dwell means to live in a specified place... a place my God chose for me. (Acts 17:26) What good can I be doing right here, where He has me?
3. definition of cultivate - "try to acquire or develop; apply oneself to improving or developing"
I need to own my life! To cultivate a deep faith and responsibility for what God has given me.
I don't think it's a coincidence we started planting a garden a few weeks ago... though I didn't know it at the time. (see post about how it all started)
Despite ALL of my shortcomings, I know God is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and mercy. And that is what keeps me getting out of bed, still trying to change, even though I fail time and time again.
We've recently felt the Lord calling us to change churches. This is huge for us because we *loved* Gateway. I didn't have anything negative to say about it... other than the distance. But in a metroplex as large as DFW, it seems like everything is a fifteen to twenty minute drive, minimum!
It started when we were in Abilene with Mollie and Eric. During dinner, they were talking about the pastor of Bethel Church, Bill Johnson. They had read articles calling him a heretic. This shocked both Kenny and me, because we love Bethel Music. Kenny didn't care to get too deep into conversation but came home and started researching Pastor Morris, from Gateway.
What we found was deeply upsetting. Yet for the first time, it caused us both to research (on our own) what we believe and why.
I've heard about the "prosperity gospel" from John Piper, and have never been in support of it. However, I have a hard time deciphering what is and is not "prosperity" teaching. I know Joel Osteen is, but would never have put Robert Morris in the same category. Joel spoke at Gateway several years back and it bothered me greatly, but I couldn't figure it out. Gateway had also brought in speakers like Jimmy Evans and Max Lucado. How could they have such different speakers, with different beliefs, speak at their church?
We read many articles about Morris and how his teaching lines up with the prosperity gospel. After thinking about it, I realized how little he talked about the gospel and our desperate need for a savior. At the end of his sermon, he would encourage people to accept Jesus, but there was no clear explanation of the gospel - how we are all sinners, and by God's grace alone (and His sovereign choosing) are we saved through belief in Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for our sins.
I learned how to detect the prosperity gospel (see here). And to not pick a church because of how I feel, but because of what we believe.
So we looked at several churches, reading line by line their beliefs/convictions, and tried to narrow it down. I then made a pro/con list, thinking that would make it clear. But no one church stood out to us. We ended up visiting a church a few weeks ago, but felt the preaching was weak.
The following weekend, I pressured (nagged, I'm ashamed to say) Kenny into picking a church for us to try. I finally realized forcing him was not right either. So I told him we could take a few weeks off to pray about it.
On Monday, I went to CG and asked a guy (Josh) who had talked about pastoring a start up church where it was located. He gave me his card and I planned to look it up, but the day got away from me.
On Tuesday, we were hitting a wall in school and I needed a break. I decided to look up the church.
It's called Redeemer Church of Denton and they're located in South Denton... 8 (yes, EIGHT) minutes away from where we are building. My spirit jumped inside me and with each page I clicked on, I got more excited about it.
1. They teach exegetically - what I've longed for and missed!
2. They have a heart and desire to reach their city... not because they have the answers, but because Jesus does.
3. It is endorsed by Tom Nelson (pastor at Denton Bible Church) and supported by The Village Church. (these are the two churches we had narrowed it down to)
4. One service - 10:30 on Sunday. Kenny has always preferred the early service. But I'm wondering if this will be good for us... to intentionally make time for the Sabbath. I'm thinking big breakfasts, church, lunch, naps, and more family time.
5. It's small, currently 100 in attendance on average. I was reading Job 29 on Monday and felt the Lord encourage me to pray these verses over Kenny... that he would be a helper to the poor, father to the fatherless, give wisdom and council, and remain deeply rooted in the Lord. Janette has told me that a prophetic word was spoken over Kenny years ago that he would be an elder in the church one day. Because this is a start up church, I feel like Kenny has a lot to offer and more opportunities to be used however the Lord wills.
6. Because of it's size, Kenny was concerned for their lack of funds. But I feel like with our tithe God could do so much more and it will go so much further at Redeemer than it ever could at Gateway.
7. In our research, we learned that if no church in the area meets our needs, to gather people and meet in a home. With this church being so small, it feels like that.
8. Opportunities to start ministries are endless - choir, adoption, homeschool, youth, etc.
9. We were put in Hickory Creek "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14)... being just eight minutes from the church opens the door for many gatherings.
10. Kids ministry is small - so our kids are in classes with multi-age children. This is a Montessori concept and I truly believe in it. It's so cool to see the older kids help the younger, and encourages the younger to be more mature.
The entire time I was looking at the website, I kept hearing the word "providence." This is not coincidence. I was pushing, nagging, begging Kenny to decide. And once I let it go, and told him to take the time he needed, this literally fell in our laps. It never pulled up in my research. God perfectly planned me to start CG, meet Josh, and switch churches within a few months.
My prayer is that we would become involved, serve as a family, and reach our neighborhood for the glory of God. We long for people to do life with, and being part of a church that is so close makes that easier. I remind my boys often of our motto: "Wrights are lights." But it's harder to shine when everyone around is already a light. Denton is a lost city. And we've lived near Denton for most of our married life. Hickory Creek puts us the closest we've ever been. Since we are building our "forever" home, I think it's time we find our "forever church." Oh how I pray Redeemer Denton becomes that for us.
Lord, I thank You for Your providence. Your beautiful, sovereign, perfect providence. I thank You for leading us to this church. I pray Your blessings over the church, that they would reach the city of Denton and win many over to Christ. Help them to be Your hands and feet, to serve as You served and love as You loved. May they always be a bright light on a dark hill. Purpose their every step and move to align with Your will. Show us if this is where You want us. Continue to give us clear confirmation and direction. It doesn't matter how much I love it, if it's not where You want us, we don't want to be there. Prepare our hearts to visit on Sunday. Open our eyes and hearts to see this church and these people through Your eyes. In Jesus name, Amen.
The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.
FINALLY.
The key: spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.
Oh what a dry season I have been through! Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.
Looking back, I see that I shut down. I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses. Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew. Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew. I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time. And sure enough, 2016 came and went.
But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood. I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow. I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.
So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system). Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:
January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)
January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me
January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me
January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises
January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too
Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write. How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!? About motherhood? About life and joy? About purpose?
ALL of them.
How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!
My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!
BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me! I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.
I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)
God has done His part. He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua. I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.
In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it. I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.
The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too
Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them. What more peace can there be?! There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.
So there it is: "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest." (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)
Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily. While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance. I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me. I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith. As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year. But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me. But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.
I know He will continue to be faithful.
Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother. This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day. I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.
Is there an option to quit parenting? To admit that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not cut out to be a parent. All I know is I must be doing more harm than good.
We have been having always had behavior problems with Joshua. Not the typical "no one is perfect," "children will be children, boys will be boys" problems. But a genuine inability to obey, and the attitude that comes along with that.
At this point, I'm desperately trying to figure out the reasons why so that I can find a solution. But in the meantime, life goes on. We still have to go out in public, to play dates, church, birthday parties, field trips, etc. And I'm done. My relationship with Joshua has been so hurt and damaged that I don't want to go anywhere with him.
I'm tired of being humiliated. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I'm tired of being made out to be a mean mommy. I'm tired of the long talks about obedience just to be completely ignored. I'm tired of seeing him light up to be around other children's mommy's because he just can't stand to be with me. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship. I'm tired of caring so much just to be hurt over and over and over and over again. I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, when deep down I just want to shout:
"I GIVE UP, GOD! YOU ARE the PERFECT PARENT... I am not.
YOU HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... I do not.
YOU ARE MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS,
SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE...
I am weak, angry, tired, and hurting.
WHEN WILL YOU SHOW UP?
WHEN WILL YOU MOVE?
WHEN WILL YOU ACT on Joshua's behalf?
INTERVENE, GOD... before I ruin this child for good.
His very name means SAVED BY GOD...
so SAVE him from me... his mommy who is at the end of her rope, unable to give any more.
I know you have AMAZING plans for this precious boy.
I just don't see how I fit into them.
I'm simply in the way.
I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED for intervention, for the knitting together of our hearts, for healing in our relationship. I have sought wisdom and read books and tried so many different things.
Yet You stay silent."
WHY!?!?!?!?
What do you want from me?
This situation is affecting my marriage, family, and friendships. It's constantly on my mind but only breeds more confusion and frustration.
I need a breakthrough, Father God. I'm begging to see You move... in a mighty way, in a small way... PLEASE just MOVE!
Put Kenny and I on the same page.
Show me the book to read... because NONE of them matter if they aren't from You.
Give me a Word.
Lead me to a mom who has walked this road and found success.
Supernaturally mend our relationship.
Give me answers to my daily struggles: where do I take him? what do I do with him? how can I invest in him in a way that pleases You and brings change? how can I show him how much I deeply, truly, genuinely love him... but I'm just so tired of being hurt.
Lord, you used Joshua in the Bible to bring down the walls of Jericho. Use my Joshua to tear down the walls that I have put up in my heart. No matter how silly and strange it sounds... show him, show me, show US what to do. I know he's only five, but I REFUSE to believe you cannot work in and through him.
I surrender this to You. I trust You with my heart... my pain, my fears, my weakness, and weary soul.
Please God... break down my walls, in JESUS name!
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen... By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days." Hebrews 11: 1, 30
There are a lot of changes happening around our house. But none that anyone would notice.
We've been learning about Family Discipleship (through sermons and a handbook from the Village Church) and this week we were encouraged to change our spiritual lives... for us as individuals, as spouses, and as parents.
In a nutshell, here are some of the things we will be implementing:
1. reading the Word daily using the Tabs system - Basically, you read one chapter from 10 different books in the Bible daily. Read more about it here.
2. Kenny and I meeting once a week to discuss hopes, dreams, failures, what the Lord is teaching us, etc. - consider this a spiritual check-in with spouse
3. family devotions every night - In order to make this possible, we are moving dinner time to 5:30 so that afterwards we can clean up, get ready for bed, spend time discipling our kids, and have a bedtime routine... all before 7:00!
4. family night once a month - think Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, bike rides, walks to the park, swimming, movies and popcorn, etc. The only thing not allowed is computers and cell phones!
5. one-on-one time with each boy once a month - Anchor is too small right now, but we both want to spend quality time with the boys on their own. This means lots of mother/son date nights!
* * * * * * * * * *
This article (from Proverbs31 Ministries) also really spoke to me today as I begin my spiritual journey transformation. Oh how often we need to be meditating on His word... it is life - the very air we breathe!
The Motherhood Press - by Brooke McGlothlin
“I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11 (ESV)
I sat in the late evening sun on the front porch of our home, head in hands, tears streaming down my face, rendered speechless by the realization that I didn’t have what it took to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.
Before having kids, I’d never really failed at anything. Oh sure, I had been through failed relationships. I’d come close to failing a test here and there. I even failed to live up to my own expectations from time to time, but never the big things. Every goal I set for myself I achieved. But as a mom — the one thing I really wanted to get right in life — I was failing.
I wanted everyone to believe I was capable of handling the two beautiful boys God gave me, but I wasn’t.
I wanted everyone to believe I could juggle work, kids, husband, home and church with ease, but I couldn’t.
I wanted everyone to believe crying babies, nursing problems, shift work and the Terrible Twos weren’t too much for me all at once, but they were.
And what I really wanted everyone to believe — that I was a confident, capable, smart, fully independent woman — was keeping me from admitting the truth. I didn’t have what it took.
Motherhood showed me just how much I needed Jesus.
It scraped me, rubbed me raw and pressed ugly emotions and words out of my heart I didn’t even know were there.
If you asked people I grew up with to describe my personality, I’m happy to report words like “angry, insensitive, overbearing, short-tempered and unkind” would not have topped the list. But there, sitting on my front porch in front of all my neighbors, not really caring who saw, I realized the woman I so proudly presented to others wasn’t the real me.
The truth taunted me and beat me down. The person I thought I was didn’t exist, and for the first time, I couldn’t fix my situation by working a little bit harder. My need was greater than my ability. I simply couldn’t do it by myself.
Why does it take motherhood to bring out the worst in us? Maybe it’s because most of us have never really been pressed so hard, pushed so hard or loved so hard. We’re like children eating a jelly-filled donut. When little hands squeeze, the jelly hiding inside dumps into their lap … and when life presses a mama too hard, sin lurking in her heart comes out and dumps on the people she loves most.
I love today’s key verse, Psalm 119:11. I learned it as a child, and its simplicity is the perfect antidote to my challenging, chaotic mothering days: “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”
I learned a life lesson that day I hope will stick with me forever. What’s in our hearts will come out, good or bad. In order to be the kind of godly women we want to be, we have to store God’s Word in our hearts, letting it change who we are in our most-hidden places, so when we’re pressed, His love pours out.
Father, give me a never-ending desire to spend my moments storing up the treasures in Your Word, so that when I’m pressed by life’s challenges I might not sin against You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Matthew 12:34b, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (ESV)
Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (ESV)
In August of 2014 we moved into our home in Highland Village. Kenny remodeled it, and it's wonderful!! However, it's not our forever home. The kitchen is small and we enjoy entertaining, and have large families. We don't have a playroom/schoolroom so when friends come over, the kids are in the same den as the adults and it's difficult to have conversations or play games. There's no guest room. The boys' rooms are across from the master bedroom. The bathrooms are tiny. And I have no bathtub in the master bathroom. But, we had plans to build a house on our lot in Forest Hills so these were all things I could live with temporarily.
Since then, I have absolutely fallen in love with this area! I love how close I am to multiple grocery stores, shopping, parks, trails, the gym, etc. It's great to be right off the highway so we can get to church/Dallas easily. We've become really good friends with the Merrimans and the thought of moving away from them is heartbreaking.
So we put building a new home on hold and began praying about where the Lord wanted us. Kenny is always looking at lots, either with clients or for possible business plans. We talked about buying land across the bridge, up off 380, or in the Argyle area. Kenny's thoughts were that there are already so many established builders in this area that he would need to move further north to have a chance to make a name for himself. I'm not going to stand in the way of that!
Thanks to my emotions, I've been all over the place. One day, I want to move back up to 380... mainly because I wanted land and that seemed to be the only place we could find an acre or more for a decent price. The next day, I'd be willing to take a smaller lot so we could stay close to our friends. Then we'd walk through a house Kenny built, and I'd tell him I don't care how far it is, we just need land! A few days later, I'd see Melissa and decide we can stay in our current home forever... I'd make it work even though we've clearly outgrown it.
Several days ago, Kenny had mentioned finding a two acre lot in Eagles Landing and I asked him to pray about it. But I just kept getting the feeling that if we bought that lot, I'd basically be cutting the time I see my family in half. It's just too far off the highway, which makes trips to/from Dallas a beating. As much as I want land, I'm not ready to sacrifice the location to get it. So I had resolved to just wait.
On Wednesday, we were out running errands when Kenny called and said "I might have just done something." I had been tracking him and knew he had spent several hours in an area that looked like a park, so I figured he probably bought some land. He continued, "I just bought us a little piece of paradise."
My heart skipped a beat and I wanted to pull over and hyperventilate. "You couldn't talk about this with me first?!?"
"Oh, I won't need to ask you about this. It's two acres, tons of trees, a small hill, place for a pond, backs up to the Corps of Engineers, and is surrounded by several other five acre tracks, and has a creek running through it." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! "At the front of the subdivision, the developer is making several smaller lots that I could buy and build houses on as well. There is a private drive that leads back to our lot, so we are completely isolated in the middle of the city. It's not even on the market yet, but I talked him into letting me buy it!"
Because I had been tracking Kenny, I knew where it was located. Right off the highway, about two exits north of where we currently live, in Hickory Creek. He was working on getting a contract and said we could see it after the boys napped. It seemed like an eternity, but we finally loaded up and went to see it.
Kenny was right, it was our own paradise!
private road that leads back to our lot
I'm just completely in awe of the Lord's faithfulness and provision! Kenny has shown me time and time again how important it is to be patient, and if we don't get what we want, it only means God has something better in mind. I'm thankful for his patience and wisdom in leading our family. This truly is the perfect location... we get our land, right in the middle of the city! And we can have chickens, goats, and a donkey!
Kenny has been drawing plans for the house and this is one we both love!
I can't wait to post updates and walk through this process with Kenny. I've seen so many houses that he's built for other people knowing someday I would get my chance. And it's finally here!!!
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, LORD. You are too good to us!
I knew I'd struggle with three boys... but I didn't think it would be this hard.
How do I keep my priorities straight?
What should my priorities be? Homeschooling over cleaning, or vice versa? Exercise over healthy eating, or vice versa? Playdates or staying home, or vice versa? Bible study or sleep, or vice versa?
Tonight was rough, mainly because it ended with Kenny leaving the house mad, and me at home with three starving screaming boys and ten minutes until bedtime.
But let's back up a few hours.
Kenny had agreed to watch the boys so I could try Camp Gladiator with a friend. It was an hour class that started at 5:15 so I knew I wouldn't be home until 6:30. This is hands down the most difficult time of day:
Anchor wants to be held constantly.
Dinner needs to be made... and if it's healthy, it requires more than just turning on the oven.
Joshua and Maverick are competing for dad's attention and he's ready to wind down from a hard day of work.
I'm usually ready to run out of the house screaming, desperate for some peace and quiet.
So I was grateful for the time to workout, especially knowing the sacrifice Kenny was making to watch all three boys at this time.
To make matters worse, the house was a wreck. Toys were strewn everywhere, even though we had cleaned up a few hours earlier. I had made plans to cook taco salad, but sorely underestimated my time, and therefore nothing was ready. And Kenny had plans to meet a friend for dinner at 8, but needed to run a few errands first (unbeknownst to me).
After my workout, I saw a text from Kenny that said:
"I can not function with such a f***in messy house."
Ouch! I knew I had been slacking and, although I hate to admit it, was waiting for him to mention something before getting my act together. He had remained quiet about his frustration, but was now at his breaking point.
I pulled into the driveway at 6:40. Kenny came out, fuming mad, and announced he needed to get a hair cut, get his car washed, and then sit in traffic to be to dinner by 8. The boys had not eaten (because I didn't tell him what to make) and they were supposed to be in bed in 10 minutes. AND Anchor was sitting in his swing, screaming.
Completely defeated, I walked inside and wanted to melt into a puddle and cry. My six month old baby was screaming, desperately wanting to be held. Joshua and Maverick were both begging for food and attention. And the house truly was a disaster. I couldn't believe I actually left with it looking so bad.
I had messed up... really, really bad. And all I knew to do was pray. Lord, show me what to do. Okay, first things first. My boys needed physical food, and fast.
I threw them in the car and drove up to Sonic. ***I'm technically supposed to be on day 24 of Whole 30, a very clean eating plan. However, I decided I wanted to spend the last week of this learning how to incorporate Whole 30 into my life, my reality. And tonight, fast food was more important than making my kids wait another hour so I could prepare a healthy meal (which should have already been made). Lesson learned.*** Along the way, I poured out my heart to the Lord. I confessed that I had screwed up. Working out can not happen when our home is a wreck, dinner is not ready, and the kids are needing some attention. It just can't. I don't want it to and don't feel like it should ever be a priority over managing the home.
I also told the Lord I can't seem to do it all! How do I spend time helping Anchor learn to sit up (while constantly cleaning up his spit-up), playing with my Maverick, or homeschooling Joshua AND keep the house clean?!? I feel like I live life in a constant daze, probably a little depressed, just hoping the hours pass by. Anchor is our last baby and I hate that I just want this season to be over. I'm so tired of being tied down to my house, and a schedule, and burp cloths and towels, and spit-up! I just want to enjoy my arrows and this precious time with them, while keeping the other demands of life in balance. It must be possible or He wouldn't call me to it. So I prayed that He would show me how to structure my day so that I learn to fit it all in. Someone once told me God put 24 hours in a day for a very specific reason... it's not too few and not too many. So somehow, there MUST be a way to get it all in. I just need to seek Him and have Him show me how to do it. It can't be in my own strength or I will always come up short.
When we got back home, I handed the boys their burgers, started Anchor's bottle, and turned on some worship music. After finally getting the boys in bed, I went to work cleaning the house. I was supposed to meet Melissa for Bible study, but I asked her to postpone. I hated that my screwup affected her, but I felt it was important to show Kenny I heard him and I was truly sorry for letting things get so bad. There really was no excuse.
Tonight I learned how much Kenny depends on me to be a good housewife, just like I depend on him to provide for us. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be checking out at the grocery store only to find there's no money in the account. Or to have my card declined at the gas station when my car is completely empty. We live in a gorgeous home and want for very little, thanks to Kenny's good stewardship of the money/resources God has given us. I want to pull the same weight on my end. The Lord showed me I can't focus so much on being mom (or worse, my own selfish desires to look good) that I lose sight of what I was created to be... Kenny's helpmate! Even though spending time with the boys is good and important, it's not to be above keeping the house warm and welcoming for Kenny to come home to. I should make sure his needs are met first, and then take care of the children.
God forgive me for being so selfish! I'm sorry for allowing my selfish desires to look good and get back in shape stand in the way of doing what You've created me to do. I know You have the answers for how to structure my day so that the house is clean and welcoming when Kenny gets home, dinner is prepared, AND the kids feel loved and nurtured because I've spent time with them too. It seems impossible to me Lord, but I know with Your wisdom, guidance, and strength, I can do anything. Show me what needs to be cut from my day... time on my phone/computer, nap, running errands, etc. What should my priorities be and in what order? Help me remember to start each day by asking You what You have for me. I don't want to continue down this path of selfishness. Teach me to be what You created me to be, Your daughter, Kenny's helpmate, and then boymom. This season of raising young children is so, so short. When my days seem long and overwhelming, remind me that what I'm doing matters to You. I want to give it my all. I need You, God. I desperately, desperately need You. The struggle is real... but You are the answer!
At the beginning of this year, I made some goals with an actual intention of keeping them. This is how it's going:
1. spend time in the Word daily - Unfortunately, this hasn't happened at all. I am reading through Dangerous Duty of Delight with Melissa, but that's not the same as spending time in His Word, listening to Him, and seeking what He has for me and our family. So Kenny and I hope to start getting up around 6 or 6:30 to read our Bibles and pray together. We've discussed reading through Romans since we are studying it in our homegroup. I also plan to start the Busy Mamas Bible Study on Psalm 22. And I just need to start praying more... for Kenny, our boys, our family, our friends, our country. The list could go on and on. I plan to keep an ongoing list of prayers in my phone so whenever the opportunity presents itself, I will have a plan and be able to focus my time wisely.
2. be up before kids - This has been difficult as our sleep has been more interrupted lately. Joshua has started waking up screaming again. We ask him what's wrong and he has no idea. I think it's either night terrors or spiritual warfare. We play Scripture Lullabies in his room all night and I'm trying to remember to pray over them and their room before bed. But I'm often so exhausted at the end of the day that my good intentions seem to disappear. But regardless of how much sleep we get, I need to be up before them. Hopefully goal #1 will help in this area.
3. keep house clean and welcoming - I think a schedule will help in this area. But I need to make one and think about it more... in all my spare time.
4. homeschool Joshua - This has been going very well! I just need my kids to stay healthy and we could get more accomplished. I'm loving our curriculum and Joshua's enthusiasm for it as well. It's been great fun so far!
5. spend time with each child individually every day - Yup, need to work on this too. Why can't I clone myself!?!?
6. establish bedtime routine - We were doing pretty good with this. I've slacked the last few weeks, but it should be pretty easy to resume. This has been a good reminder!
7. make four homemade meals per week - Lately I've been very convicted about my eating habits. Food has definitely been an emotional release and I'll even say it's become an idol. The Lord has shown me He created food to give our bodies (our temple - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20) fuel and energy so we can accomplish His will. It's not supposed to replace seeking Him when our lives become stressful and difficult. Yet, that's what I've been doing. So I started Whole 30 today!!! I won't be eating sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, dairy, or processed foods for 30, yes thirty, days! It's required a lot of meal planning and shopping but I'm pretty excited about it. Eating Whole 30 also means I will be making ALL of my meals. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner... no eating out, no cheat meals, no shortcuts. I also know it's going to be tough... and I figure it will be like drug withdrawals. The first few days/weeks will be the worst. But eventually my body will be so much healthier, my habits changed, my mom pooch gone (hopefully), and I'll be free from my sugar addiction! I'm eager to see my results!!!
8. exercise three times a week - I started out exercising every day... that lasted two weeks! I'm hoping to start walking more (with the boys!!) and to keep working out as well. I just feel so much better when I do. It's time consuming and I don't want it becoming a higher priority than spending time with God, so I've got to figure out how to fit it into my day.
I feel like so many areas of my life need a drastic change and ASAP. I know that all of this can't be fixed tomorrow. Lord, show me the areas that are most important and need attention now. Show me how to structure my day so that I can be most glorifying to You. I want to be a vessel fit for Your use.
