I know. I said I was going to start blogging, and then somehow life got away from me.
I keep falling back into these bouts of just going through the motions. I love my life. I serve a mighty God who has big things for me. But I struggle, really struggle, with believing that and putting what He says into action.
I battle laziness... a lot. It's definitely a giant I've needed to kill for far too long.
This year, I started reading Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. (She has become a "mentor" to me through her books and podcasts and blog posts. I hope to attend her conference this year, but covid has put a lovely hold on that.)
My favorite thing to do is make excuses. I've become quite the expert at it, unfortunately. And this year I set out to change that. Though here I am... still failing.
Laziness and excuses don't exactly make for a life lived with purpose and passion. It's definitely not something I want to be remembered for or pass on to my boys.
I'm not exactly sure how to change. I know it's going to take effort... day after day, one step at a time, over and over again.
This is the verse God has laid on my heart for this year. Psalm 37:3
"Trust in the LORD, and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."
1. I am to trust in the Lord, not myself. I need to let go of control! (ahem... thank you coronavirus!)
2. Instead of wishing for different circumstances, another phase of life, or a supernatural change in my personality, I need to dwell right where I'm at. Dwell means to live in a specified place... a place my God chose for me. (Acts 17:26) What good can I be doing right here, where He has me?
3. definition of cultivate - "try to acquire or develop; apply oneself to improving or developing"
I need to own my life! To cultivate a deep faith and responsibility for what God has given me.
I don't think it's a coincidence we started planting a garden a few weeks ago... though I didn't know it at the time. (see post about how it all started)
Despite ALL of my shortcomings, I know God is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and mercy. And that is what keeps me getting out of bed, still trying to change, even though I fail time and time again.
This has been a rough week for me emotionally... and as I'm writing this I realized my eating habits have tanked along with my emotions (plus I started my cycle). I guess it's best to get this all over with at the same time... right?!?
We have been visiting a church called Redeemer Denton for about two months. My heart says to jump all in - become members, serve, join Bible studies, support them financially, etc. I'm in love... but also strongly feel this is where the Lord wants us right now.
Kenny does not feel the same way.
At all.
It's written all over his face, shows through his body language, and even in his words when others ask about it. It's so obvious (and awkward!) that he's not in love.
And yet we continue to go.
There have been churches where after one visit he refused to go back. So I'm thankful that hasn't been his response with Redeemer.
But it also leaves me feeling so confused.
He acts like a robot when we go... like it's an obligation he has to do to fulfill his Christian duties. To be honest, it hurts.
I know he's swamped right now with work and I can't imagine the burden of having to provide for a family. This may just be a season where all he can do work and he's trusting me with the rest - disciplining the children, choosing the church, planning our weekends, etc.
I'm grateful he trusts me enough to let me lead... but it's a weight I don't want to carry.
So I've nagged, and begged, and pleaded, and talked (and talked and talked and talked) about the confirmations I feel the Lord has shown me. I *thought* I was doing good by sharing with Kenny what the Lord was showing me. I *thought* there was no way that could be considered "nagging" because it was from God. I wanted to be the Holy Spirit... I wanted God to need me to change Kenny's heart.
Wrong.
I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. And God doesn't need me to do anything.
All I've managed to do is shut Kenny down and push him further and further away from the church.
Oh how my heart aches over my wrong doing. I've had a pit in my stomach all week. I wish so badly to go back and change my actions. But all I can do is repent and trust the Lord with how this situation will play out... in His perfect timing!
We had a long, but really good talk about it earlier this week. Kenny feels that if we're arguing so much about becoming members, it must not be the right time. This means we have to wait 6 more months before the next membership class. I'm fine waiting, if that's what the Lord wants. I'm fine leaving the church, if that's what He says. I'm fine not going to church at all... if God confirms that. I just want Kenny to seek His face!! If I have to submit, I want him to lead! Why is that so difficult?!?!?!
I'm thankful that he has been blessed with so much work. But I just don't feel like the Lord would want Kenny to take on so many jobs that he can't lead us well and spend time in prayer. Let me add that he *does* lead us well. He is a great husband and father... very protective and hard working and trusts the Lord no matter what. He is my deeply rooted man of faith! I think I've just been to focused on the speck in his eye that I haven't seen the plank in my own.
I think the Lord has tried to teach me this lesson a million times. Oh how I am so like the Israelites. But our verse for this year is "how long will you put off...?" Looks like now is the time for battle... and the Lord has promised victory!!
(P.S. I love how He has shown me this applies to more areas than just my attachment with Joshua.)
Lord this is so so hard! Waiting on You but wanting to do and say so much in the meantime. Help me with my impatience. Help me to find You and see Your hand even in the waiting. Search my heart and show me my own plank... what can I be working on in the meantime? I'm so sorry Lord for nagging instead of patiently waiting on You. I don't want to be like the Israelites any more. Help me change! Show me how to be supportive, trusting, and encouraging to Kenny. Thank You for victory in this area.
Thank You for a husband who knows his calling well. Thank You that I've never had to ask him to provide. Thank You for his faith and strong foundation.
The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.
FINALLY.
The key: spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.
Oh what a dry season I have been through! Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.
Looking back, I see that I shut down. I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses. Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew. Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew. I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time. And sure enough, 2016 came and went.
But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood. I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow. I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.
So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system). Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:
January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)
January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me
January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me
January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises
January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too
Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write. How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!? About motherhood? About life and joy? About purpose?
ALL of them.
How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!
My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!
BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me! I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.
I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)
God has done His part. He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua. I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.
In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it. I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.
The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too
Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them. What more peace can there be?! There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.
So there it is: "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest." (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)
Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily. While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance. I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me. I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith. As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year. But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me. But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.
I know He will continue to be faithful.
Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother. This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day. I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.
I am loving, let me say it again, LOVING this tabs system for reading the Bible. It has brought me such joy and delight and I truly look forward to it every day. God is just so cool!
It amazes me that the Bible, written thousands of years ago, can still apply to us today. And no matter how many times we read it, He will always be faithful to show us something new. There's enough material that it never gets old!
We heard a sermon in church on Sunday from David Barton about how well our founding fathers knew the Bible. It blew me away! We know so little and it's one of the reasons our country is spiraling out of control. God has been faithful to show me that what He says in Joshua 1 is foundational to our success in life: "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." This is our family verse for this year, and the tabs system has helped us implement God's command. For the first time in a long time, we are BOTH reading His Word daily, taking notes, and being careful to apply it to our lives... something only God gets credit for!
Today I was reading in Acts 13 about how salvation is offered to the Jew first and then the Gentiles (vs 46-47). The Lord showed me this is how I should view my relationship with Joshua. He has been chosen by God to be grafted into our family, to magnify His kindness and sovereignty. He is NOT an afterthought, or second best. I am to welcome him with open arms, just as the father to the prodigal son did. It was never God's design for us to raise someone else's child. But He is a redemptive God with unfailing, unconditional love for all. I have been grafted into His family and receive all the benefits as a daughter of the Most High God. No amount of love, blessing, or promise is withheld from me, even though I am not a Jew. As a Wright, Joshua now shares in the root of our family... which means gaining a daddy, mommy, brothers, extended family, love and acceptance, and most importantly Jesus Christ... all things he did not have before. Nothing is to be withheld from him.
These were powerful words for me today as I continue seeking Him and His purpose in bringing Joshua into our family. I know it serves many purposes, including our sanctification and to show us our Father's heart. He is so, so good!
I love the words to this song "No Longer Slaves." How humbled and grateful I am to be a child of God. My prayers are that Joshua will know the depths of the love of his heavenly Father and that our bond will be strengthened and irreplaceable.
You unravel me with a melody, You surround me with a song
Of deliverance from my enemies, 'til all my fears are gone
I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
From my mother's womb, You have chosen me, love has called my name
I've been born again, into Your family, Your blood flows through my veins
I'm no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
You split the sea so I could walk right through it
I cannot believe it's 2016 already. And I absolutely cannot believe I have three beautiful boys... SONS! Husband and I were sitting on the couch watching TV last week and it hit me.
We are parents...
of three boys...
three long awaited, dreamed of, prayed for, and worked for boys.
How did we get here?!?!? It seems like yesterday I was jumping up and down at the thought of Kenny wanting to be in a relationship with me. I was still living with my parents and had many years of school ahead of me.
Each and every year with Kenny has been amazing, even with the ups and downs of marriage, work, infertility, and life in general.
2015 was difficult with my pregnancy and birth of Anchor, who has been somewhat of a high-maintenance baby. In the first few months he cried often, spit up his body weight in milk, and nursing was a huge challenge. I've recently switched to raw goat's milk and I think we are making progress!
I'm always grateful for another year. I see it as a chance to refocus and new opportunities and adventures are waiting to be found. What I'm looking forward to in 2016:
learning how to be a homeschooling mom of 3, while maintaining my role as wife
homeschooling Joshua
new friendships
family vacations
training for my second sprint triathlon (in October)
My goal this year is to learn how to juggle all the demands of life: spending time with Jesus (my Maker and Savior), being a wife, being a mom, homeschooling, keeping our house a welcoming home, and developing deeper/more meaningful friendships. It's important to me to keep my priorities in line and not lose sight of my calling as a stay-at-home mom. It may not be the most glorious and highly-sought-after profession, but it's been my desire for as long as I can remember. It's where God has purposefully placed me, and because of that, it's where I can honor Him most. In the monotony of my daily life - the laundry, discipline, cleaning, and fight to spend time with God, my husband, and each child - I want to glorify Him, to point back to Him, to be His light and His hands wherever I go and whatever I do. I'm so grateful I have the Holy Spirit to help me do my job well, because this will be no easy task.
So our family verse for this year comes from Joshua:
"This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:8-9
The battles Joshua and his armies fought are not so different from ours. They wanted to claim the land God had given them. But first they needed to get the enemy out. So much of our culture and society looks down on children and motherhood and places value on materialistic things. But my boys, my arrows, are eternal. And there is no greater war than the one for their souls. And many of those battles are fought on my knees, and in my time spent with them, teaching them about the Lord and how much He loves us. Oh how I long for them to see me spend time with our Maker, delighting in Him and hiding His Word in my heart.
Knowing what last year's verse has come to mean for me and our family, I'm eager to see what the Lord does in my heart this year.
My *more specific* goals for this year are:
spend time in the Word daily
be up before kids (around 6:30) especially on weekdays
keep house clean and welcoming (worship music and candles!)
homeschool Joshua
spend time with each child individually every day
establish bedtime routine
make four homemade meals each week
exercise three times per week (at first, gradually increase to five)
blog two to three times per week
extremely limit Facebook - on Saturday only!
I hope to blog periodically about how I'm doing with these goals. I don't want to call them New Year's Resolutions because I'd be a complete failure at all of them already.
