The week before Christmas I had a crazy GI bug that left me wishing I would just die. I couldn't eat anything, I was constantly nauseous, and my numerous trips to the bathroom could not be counted.
In the midst of it all, I promised the Lord if He saw me through it I would make a lifestyle change.
Not some crazy, fad diet. Not a cleanse. Not a 21 day habit-changing-fix.
But a transforming, healthy, lifestyle change.
And He did. Hallelujah!
But let's back up a little... in December, my friend Chrissy gave me a code to try Camp Gladiator for free during the month of January. I was lucky blessed to find an indoor location, because me + 32 degree weather don't go together. The first day of camp, a huge storm was moving through with the possibility of hail! I had knots in my stomach and did not sleep at all the night before. But I made it that first day and the rest is history! I fell completely in love!
My trainer is adorable, 37 weeks pregnant and rocking her body! I'm held accountable to get up and go every time (right now, on MWF at 6:10am). The other campers are constantly high-fiving me and encouraging me to do better. I actually get to talk to people out loud, instead of just in my head, like I've been doing at the gym. It's pulled me out of my comfort zone and challenged me to do better. It feels like PE for adults, which is interesting because I HATED PE when I was younger. I was so self-conscious and always fearful of being left out. Now I find myself being more competitive... not willing to come in last, to finish the exercises before the timer, to increase my weights a little more.
This last week, my trainer has mentioned that the way we look is only 20% of our workout! Say what?!? That means 80% is what I'm eating. And while it could be much, much worse... it needs to be a whole lot better!
Since my GI bug, I've been praying and asking the Lord to show me what He wants this lifestyle change to look like. What needs to be cut out? What needs to be added in? What are the portions I need? How many times a day should I eat? When/how much can I splurge? I don't want food to control me, as it has in the past when I've tried to diet and count calories.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says:
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."
I want that idea, my body as a temple for the Holy Spirit, to be at the forefront of my mind every day. Not a number on the scale, or a certain size of clothes, or even a body measurement. I'm sure all of that will follow in time, but I don't want it to be my goal. I just want to be conscious of what I'm eating and how I'm taking care of my temple.
So here's what I feel like He's been saying to me:
increase water intake to 72oz per day
breakfast - 2 eggs or protein shake, fruit
lunch - protein (lunchmeat, chicken, tuna), veggies/salad, fruit (maybe add cheese, depending on dinner)
snack - nuts or greek yogurt
dinner - smaller portions of meals I'm already preparing for family; add more vegetables and limit carbs
two desserts per week
Starbucks once a week
alcohol 2x per week (1 glass of wine or 1 margarita)
splurge one day a week (within moderation)
exercise: CG 3-4x per week; lift heavy (body pump or at gym) 1-2x per week
The "old me" would have succeeded at this for maybe a week... if that! But I am no longer "putting off" the things He has put on my heart. I read yesterday in my quiet time that my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). While I don't want my sinful flesh to rule, I want my flesh to be strengthened to do what He's called me to do... even when it's not easy or it doesn't taste good.
Lord, please help me to keep my body as a temple for Your Holy Spirit. May I take every thought (for junk food or laziness) captive to obey You and what You've called me to do.
The Lord FINALLY answered my prayers and has confirmed in my heart *my* verse for this year.
FINALLY.
The key: spending such sweet, beautiful, intimate time with my Maker, Creator, Father, Savior, and Leader.
Oh what a dry season I have been through! Having babies is tough. Acid-freaking-reflux is tough. Adopting is tough. Three-year-olds are tough. Homeschooling is tough. And I've been through it all this last year.
Looking back, I see that I shut down. I'm an introvert... and just like everything else, being that way has its strengths and weaknesses. Instead of reaching out and asking for help, I withdrew. Instead of daily knocking at my Father's door for His sufficient grace, I withdrew. I put on a mask, pretended everything was fine, grit my teeth, and just tried to make it through each day... one.day.at.a.time. And sure enough, 2016 came and went.
But now 2017 is here, and I'm dry parched, desperate, and longing for life, joy, purpose, and true motherhood. I've always dreamed of being a mommy and had *the best* mother (and grandmother) as an example to follow. I know what the Lord has put in me, and have been at a loss as to how to get it out.
So I began again what I know in my heart-of-hearts is the answer to everything... spending time with Jesus (using my beloved tabs system). Here are the dates/highlights from my journal entries:
January 2
Matt 22 - love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind
Gen 21 - God is with you in all that you do
Titus 3 - I want to bear much fruit!
Psalm 21 - there is strength, blessing, and success in the Lord and His unfailing love -- He gives life
*I will not be moved*
Prov 20 - may the Lord find me genuinely faithful (not just appearance)
January 3
Joshua 18 - don't wait to claim something the Lord has already given to me
January 9
Gen 22 - Abraham had SO MUCH faith and trust in the promises of God -- he worshipped as he obeyed (no fear)
Psalm 22 - He has always been with me - I can always call on His name
Prov 21 - it doesn't matter that I think what I'm doing is right - God looks at my heart (which shows anger)
Joshua 19 - He is faithful and will keep His promises... but I have a part too -- sometimes that means fighting January 10
Matt 24 - I don't want my love to grow cold - for my family or others; I want people to know me by Christ's love in me, NOT my anger!
1 Cor 7 - my undivided devotion is to the Lord alone - stop trying to "please" others, especially if that means not obeying what the Lord has put on my heart: spending time with boys, praying, devotions, movie/game night
James 1 - God forgive me for doubting You and not earnestly seeking wisdom from You; how gracious You are to show me anyway and gently convict me; my belief in Christ is worthless if I can't control my tongue and love Joshua - an "orphan" and "perfect gift" whom God gave to me
January 11
Psalms 23 - "He leads me" - when Kenny can't/doesn't; when I feel "alone" in parenting; when I don't know what to do/where to go
Prov 22 - my job is to train (set an example for) my boys: love the Lord and others; the rest is not my responsibility or something I can control
Joshua 20 - the Lord takes such great care of His people - protecting us and fulfilling even the tiniest details of His promises
January 12
Gen 24 - God so beautifully and divinely orchestrates events in my life
1 Cor 8 - I want to know God and be known by Him - search my heart oh Lord
James 2 - be careful not to judge others, "show no partiality" - love others as myself
Psalms 24 - I want to be known as a "woman who seeks God's face"
Prov 23 - goal in discipline is character training (NOT behavior control)
Joshua 21 - they took possession and settled... and God gave them rest; ALL of His promises came to pass
Acts 20 - my flock = my 3 boys and they were purchased with His blood too
Retyping my words has shown me even more than I had planned to write. How many of these entries answer my *exact* frustrations?!? About motherhood? About life and joy? About purpose?
ALL of them.
How good is our God to use His Word that is thousands of years old and yet He makes it applicable to my most pressing issues and concerns!?!
My spirit has been refreshed (and it must be mentioned that we are studying water this week and Joshua's principle is: Jesus gives my spirit living water to drink). Yay God!
BUT the coolest thing is the verses He's confirmed for me... yes, me! I've been trying to come up with a "family" verse, but in all honesty, the boys are still young and I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. So instead of forcing this on them, I'm claiming it and speaking it over myself.
I mentioned in my previous post about a verse in Joshua 18 - "How long will you put off going in to take possession of the land, which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?" (verse 3)
God has done His part. He parted the Red Sea to physically and legally bring us Joshua. I have prayed and prayed, begging Him to knit our hearts and have been so frustrated that nothing was changing. This last week, He has gently whispered on my heart that I have not done my part. I have "put off" claiming Joshua as my own.
In Joshua 19:47, the tribe of Dan had to fight against Leshem and capture it before they could take possession of it and settle in it. I felt God calling me to fight for a deeper relationship with Joshua - to capture him as my own.
The Lord immediately started showing me things I do for Maverick/Anchor that I have not done with Joshua. He's told me to write them down (and I'm sure He'll be adding to the list):
1. smiling when I talk to him
2. snuggling, hugging, kissing on him throughout day
3. pulling him into my lap - he's not too old/heavy
4. sitting next to him at table
5. lovingly touching him - putting lotion on him
6. *not* disciplining him for every little thing (or even some of the big things)
7. laughing with him
8. controlling my temper around him - because I can't control his behavior
9. holding his face and looking into his eyes
10. taking pictures/videos of things he does too
Finally, in Joshua 21:44-45, the Lord gave the Israelites "rest" after taking possession of the land He had promised them. What more peace can there be?! There will finally be rest in our family after we have fought... claimed... and settled with Joshua as our very own firstborn.
So there it is: "How long will you put off going in to take possession... fight... capture... settle... rest." (Joshua 18:3, 19:47, 21:44)
Last year the Lord called me to spend time in His Word daily. While I failed miserably at that, I'm ready for a second chance. I'm tired of putting it off and am ready to step into His calling for me. I don't want to just have an appearance of genuine faith. As I said in my previous post, all I know to do is take it day by day... not in survival mode as I did last year. But in intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. I can't speak to what next week/month will like for me. But tomorrow morning, I'll be up at 6AM to spend time with my Maker and see what He has for me that day.
I know He will continue to be faithful.
Someone posted this video on Facebook because it reminded her of her grandmother. This song is called "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. It's absolutely beautiful and I long for this to be said about me some day. I know it means more trials will come my way... but if faithfully walking through them brings more glory to God, then I'm willing to walk whatever road He has for me.
At the beginning of this year, my friend Lacey asked me to sign up for a triathlon and train with her. I agreed hoping it would help me lose my baby weight from Anchor. Plus I had previously completed the same course four years ago when I did the Monster Tri in 2012. However, as soon as training began, my milk supply immediately dried up. So I stopped training and asked for a refund. They told me instead of a refund, I could have 75% off if I signed up for another race. So the Monster Tri in October it was. I officially signed up in July, knowing that would give me plenty of time to train.
race day: October 23, 2016
distances:
Swim 300 meters
Bike 13.5 miles
Run 3.1 miles
However, I quickly learned training with three little ones is not easy. Waking up at 5AM to workout after a long night without sleep takes a lot of discipline. Kenny was so gracious to watch the kids for me... as long as I trained before 7AM. To be honest, looking back, I did not give it my all. I made excuses and procrastinated and told myself I was in better shape than I actually was.
So race day arrived, and ready or not, I jumped in the pool. Or should I say plunged. It was 12 feet deep, unlike the 4 foot deep pool I trained in. It caught me completely off guard and I panicked. I came up gasping for air and tried to swim with my head above water for a few strokes until I acclimated. But I couldn't. I turned around to my brother and told him I was freaking out. He told me that was normal and encouraged me to just get to the other side... 50 meters down when I had been practicing in a 25 meter pool. I made it, took a few deep breaths and told myself again to pull it together. I planned to swim under the rope into the next lane, come up, and continue swimming just like I had practiced (though I never practiced swimming under the rope). I panicked again... it's like I couldn't hold my breath for even a second. Every time I went under water, I instinctively took a breath, came up gagging and told myself to get it together. But it just never happened. I basically dog paddled my way through the 300 meters, holding on to the ropes and on the sides of the pool at each end. It was completely humiliating. Two pregnant women (like 6-8 months pregnant) PASSED ME UP! I survived... but barely, and was now completely exhausted. swim time - 10:19
Determined not to quit AND to improve on my transition time, I quickly took my goggles and swim cap off and headed to my bike. I started to put on my shorts and then realized I forgot to take off my swim shorts, but there was no turning back. Putting tight shorts on a wet body is no easy task. Thankfully the sun was out and it wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be. I threw on my tank, socks/shoes, helmet, and sunglasses, grabbed my bike, and headed to the exit. I couldn't find my brother! I had told him earlier to stay ahead of me so that if I got disoriented I could find him easily. Then I saw Kenny and my boys, smiled at them and told them to tell my brother to catch up. I was in full on "focus" mode but wish I had stopped for 5 seconds to acknowledge my boys... there can't be better encouragement than that. transition time - 3:17
I am definitely the most comfortable on my bike... not to mention I could breathe!! The wind was in my face and I was ready to make up the time I lost in the pool.
I turned the corner to start my first of three (yes THREE) loops and saw what seemed to be a mountain before me! Throughout my training, my husband and friends encouraged me to bike Highland Shores, a road near our house. I never did because I thought it had too many hills and would be WAY more difficult than the bike course for the triathlon. Nope. I was wrong. This course had twelve (yes TWELVE) large climbs. I had been biking twice a week at my indoor cycling class so I knew what the resistance felt like, I just wasn't familiar with it on my road bike. My brother finally caught up with me after I had completed the first loop. I did okay through the second and start of the third loop. And then my energy tanked. I had biked 10 mountains and just didn't want to go another foot. But I thought of my boys and their sweet faces waiting for mommy to come back. So I dug deep and mustered up the stamina to finish the bike. bike time - 57:41
I returned to the transition area drained. And I still had 3 miles to run. I hopped off my bike, legs feeling like jelly, took a few sips of water and ran out. transition time - 1:29
Completely drained of energy and ready to quit, I just tried to put one foot in front of the other. The entire time I trained for the run, I told myself it was completely mental. My body is fully capable of running three miles. I just needed to convince myself of that. I kept trying to dig deeper, to not focus on the pain or exhaustion, but nothing seemed to work. I also knew I had missed my goal in finishing in an hour thirty-five and decided walking for thirty seconds wouldn't hurt. At that moment, a girl passed us saying we had been ahead of her the entire time and encouraged us to pick up the pace. But I couldn't do it! I felt so defeated, frustrated, and angry. Angry that I didn't train harder, angry that I lacked the will power to finish this race strong, angry that I wasn't in better shape. I tried to start running again, but shortly after needed to walk. This continued for a while until I realized my brother had run so far ahead that I could no longer see him. I started running jogging and kept looking for the halfway mark at every turn. It was a beautiful, wooded path with lots of turns which kept it from being boring, but also made it difficult to see my mile markers. Other athletes that were passing me said encouraging words and it was really cool to see everyone supporting each other. I FINALLY made it halfway and my brother turned around to run with me some more. I hated that I was letting him down. I knew he could run circles around me and had banked on that being enough to give me energy to finish strong. My usual ten minute per mile pace had slowed and it seemed the end would never come. When we finally saw the finish line, my brother told me to turn on my thrusters and give it everything I had... "don't let them see you walking" he said. And while I wasn't walking, my thrusters were no where to be found. I made it to the finish line with my tail between my legs, wanting to crawl in a hole and wish the day away. run time - 34:07
My sweet boys were SO excited to see me!! The looks on their faces made all of my emotions just melt away. I sat down (mainly to keep from peeing in my pants) and immediately wanted to know how much I missed my goal by. My brother thought it was about seven minutes, which wasn't too bad. We ate breakfast tacos and talked about how crazy the hills on the bike route were. I noticed the boys were getting restless (as they had basically been waiting for three hours) and we decided to go home.
total time - 1:46 (eleven minutes past my goal)
On the way home, I replayed everything from the day in my head wondering why it went so wrong and promising myself I'd never do another triathlon. It seemed as though the more negative things I came up with, the more the Lord showed me the positive... the triumphs!
1. I cut down on my transition times (thanks to Lacey braiding my hair)
2. I was only eleven minutes off from my time four years ago... and I've had two babies since then
3. I learned to trust Him no matter what the issue is - I was supposed to be on my period and since having Anchor cannot wear a tampon. So dealing with that would have been a nightmare. I even paid wasted $150 seeing an OBGYN trying to get on birth control. The timing just wasn't right and it wouldn't have been a guaranteed fix, so I ended up never filling the prescription. In all honesty, I didn't want to pray and trust the Lord because I knew that also meant I would have to be okay if He didn't move my cycle. But my good, good Father shifted my cycle so that I was COMPLETELY FINISHED with it by race day. Even in the midst of my tantrum and mistrust, He is STILL faithful and oh so good!!
4. I completed what I said I was going to do. Knowing training had not gone as planned, I wanted to just give up. Sometimes, when I know I won't reach my goal, I quit. Lacey encouraged me that some things are to be done just for completion. That's what this race was for me.
5. I spent time with my brother and we were able to bond from this experience. We aren't estranged by any means, but we just aren't super close. Since the race, he's been so encouraging and is ready to go again!
6. While practicing clipping in on my bike, I fell and hurt my left wrist one week before the race. It had been hurting pretty bad and made it difficult to hold on to the handle bars without being in pain. I took 2 Aleve before the race and my wrist didn't bother me at all! Praise the Lord!
A few days later, my emotions have calmed down and I'm looking forward to training and trying again. There's several things I'd change:
1. spend the next 8 months focusing mostly on weight training, with a little cardio (cycling, running, and swimming - try to maintain ability to run a 5K)
2. 4 months prior to race, focus more on cardio but don't give up weight training
3. swim 500 meters, practice swimming under ropes, practice jumping in and starting, practice with LOTS of people in the pool, practice in the lake!
4. bike on Highland Shores (or other routes with hills), become more familiar with bike/gears, possibly learn to clip in... key word: possibly
5. run 3 miles, consistently, outside - be comfortable running in all weather conditions and terrain
6. 2 months prior to race begin brick training and keeping stamina up for more than an hour; limit weight training to once or twice a week
7. on race day - SMILE, RELAX, and just have fun!
8. for goodness sake, TAKE PICTURES! (of me and my brother, my boys and me, our family, and the event in general... the boys will be older so hopefully we can stay longer and celebrate!)
9. invite family to come and watch
I truly do enjoy swimming, biking, and running. My goal is to do them for exercise AND recreation... for joy and stress relief! I struggle with laziness and suck at team sports! While I promised myself I'd never do another one, I wonder if the Lord is showing me His purpose in this. He can minister to me as I train, I can worship and pray as I train, and I can teach my boys the importance of physical fitness. I don't want to end this season in defeat... I will triumph!! Plus, next year is the last year I can compete in the 30-34 age category.
After feeling like I had the flu and sitting on the couch literally all afternoon, we went to dinner at Fleming's with our good friends Brad and Chrissy. We had drinks, calamari, bruschetta, steak, potatoes, asparagus, and three (yes THREE) desserts! Now, that's my kind of dinner! It was a wonderful ending to a really hard day.
