remember joy

It's funny how God works and the different seasons He takes us through.  I've definitely been in the desert the last few years, and maybe I still am.  But I'm trying to find my out. 

It's through Him alone.

But, thankfully, He uses so many things to teach us and draw Him to Himself. 

This year I've found myself more angry and shut down than ever.  I'm just plain mad at how my life has unfolded. I know so many truths... He is good, He won't give me more than I can handle, He uses everything for good, He loves me unconditionally.  But reality is I've let myself focus on the emotional upsets of life (homeschooling, adoption, family drama, the chaos of this world, etc.) instead of clinging to these truths. 

Lamentations 3:21-22 says "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end."  We can CHOOSE to call to mind that which gives us hope. 

key word: CHOOSE. It's a choice. One I have to fight to make daily. 

I'm reading "Reclaim Compassion" and the authors explain when parents become worn out [exhausted, withdrawn, apathetic] from doing tasks [mundane, fruitless work], it's often because they've deleted [cut out, quit doing] the fun and enjoyable things in their life. 

I'm guilty of focusing on the negative and being a glass half-empty person. It's easy for me to get caught up in all that's wrong, instead of on the beautiful blessings He freely and generously gives. 

So I've made a list of Fifty Points of Joy and plan to do 7-8 a day.  And keeping up with this blog is one of them!! So here's to many more posts and choosing joy!

cultivate

Yes, here we are again.

I know.  I said I was going to start blogging, and then somehow life got away from me. 

I keep falling back into these bouts of just going through the motions.  I love my life.  I serve a mighty God who has big things for me.  But I struggle, really struggle, with believing that and putting what He says into action. 

I battle laziness... a lot.  It's definitely a giant I've needed to kill for far too long.

This year, I started reading Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson.  (She has become a "mentor" to me through her books and podcasts and blog posts.  I hope to attend her conference this year, but covid has put a lovely hold on that.)

My favorite thing to do is make excuses.  I've become quite the expert at it, unfortunately.  And this year I set out to change that.  Though here I am... still failing.

Laziness and excuses don't exactly make for a life lived with purpose and passion.  It's definitely not something I want to be remembered for or pass on to my boys.

I'm not exactly sure how to change. I know it's going to take effort... day after day, one step at a time, over and over again.

This is the verse God has laid on my heart for this year. Psalm 37:3

"Trust in the LORD, and do good,
dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."

1. I am to trust in the Lord, not myself.  I need to let go of control!  (ahem... thank you coronavirus!)

2. Instead of wishing for different circumstances, another phase of life, or a supernatural change in my personality, I need to dwell right where I'm at.  Dwell means to live in a specified place... a place my God chose for me.  (Acts 17:26)  What good can I be doing right here, where He has me?

3. definition of cultivate - "try to acquire or develop; apply oneself to improving or developing"
I need to own my life! To cultivate a deep faith and responsibility for what God has given me.

I don't think it's a coincidence we started planting a garden a few weeks ago... though I didn't know it at the time. (see post about how it all started)

Despite ALL of my shortcomings, I know God is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and mercy.  And that is what keeps me getting out of bed, still trying to change, even though I fail time and time again. 

Tortilla Factory gone bad

We finally had the inevitable... a broken bone!  <womp womp>

Anchor and Maverick were playing Tortilla Factory in the garage. They toss elastic workout bands on the treadmill and watch them fall off... and put that on repeat.  #boymom  

One of the bands started to go under the belt and Anchor tried to get it out. 😖

I was getting ready for the day (it was around 7:30am) and Maverick came running in with Anchor screaming behind him.  (This is a somewhat normal occurrence... "he hit me, he took my car, I fell off my bike, Blue chewed my shoes up" etc).  I heard "Anchor got his hands stuck in the treadmill" and saw they were scraped and some of the skin had come off.  At first, I thought it was similar to a stubbed toe.  However, Anchor kept screaming and has hands were badly shaking.  Kenny had left to go get tacos, a car wash, and gas (thank you Covid-19)!  I FaceTimed him and he decided to come home.  

Meanwhile, Anchor kept screaming and I knew it was much worse than stubbed toe. A lot of skin and been ripped off and his fingers were quickly swelling.  I called my sister, who can be so calm in these situations, but neither one of us knew what to do. 😂

When Kenny got home, he agreed we should call our pediatrician (who is a family doctor with many years of ER experience).  We definitely didn't want to deal with the ER and coronavirus and quarantine. Kenny called his mom to come watch Joshua and Maverick, and I'll never forget how quickly she responded without asking any questions.  We gave Anchor some ibuprofen and headed out the door.  

Our doctor greeted us in full surgery gear (as Anchor said "a blue dress, yellow gloves, a mask, and a plastic shield").  He took x-rays and found out he broke the proximal phalanx of middle finger on his left hand (finger joint closest to palm).  He had three other 2nd degree burns between his fingers that were cleaned and bandaged.  And to top it all off, a tetanus shot!  😩

He was so brave but my goodness that was SO hard for mama to watch!  He sat next to daddy and watched Lion King as a distraction, but there were many quivering lips and tears.  Anchor passed out in the car on our way to Chick-Fil-A for chocolate milk and little burgers (chicken minis). 

Mama's adrenaline didn't wear off until 5 that afternoon and I.Was.Toast and sick to my stomach.  I could hardly eat all day and cycled with a friend to distract my racing mind.  My energy was in the negatives.  We had Sonic for dinner (at Anchor's request) and called it a day. 

We were supposed to go to my sister's house and have a parade for Nana, see the Blue Angels fly over DFW, and then play at a park. Anchor was SO excited and wore his airplane shirt.  Despite everything that happened though, he had a great attitude!

I'm so thankful for our doctor, for family and prayers, and that we serve a God who goes before us and prepares the way: getting into pediatrician instead of ER, Janette being able to watch boys, Kenny being close to home, Anchor pulling his hands out of treadmill before more damage could have been done, and giving us bodies that heal!  

God is good, no matter what!

two geraniums and some lavender

It all started with two geraniums and some lavender.

We built our dream home almost two years ago.  Some days I still can't believe this is my life... not just the house, but the husband, THREE boys, and our home.  I never could've imagined it, and I definitely wouldn't have believed it if you told me.

But God!

Kenny (probably desperate to get out of the house... thank you coronavirus) set out for Calloway's to buy some shrubs for behind our pool deck.  He came home with a truck bed full of shrubs and some extra flowers for my pots on the front porch.  Two geraniums and some lavender.  I planted them immediately and something stirred deep within my soul.

I saw pure beauty.

Living in a house doesn't make it a home.  It has to be intentionally planned, created... cultivated.  And I want our home to be a place of beauty, comfort, safety, and peace.

So I started dreaming again... about something for me! Not because my family wanted to, not because my boys wanted to. ** But because I had a passion for it.  This is huge for me.

I thought of knockout rose bushes in front of our master bedroom windows and some basil/rosemary... small and manageable.

But God!

We went to Calloway's and I found my roses/herbs plus so much more. 

Calloway's Nursery

My favorite find was this adorable owl pot!  My classroom was decorated with owls and I have collected many over the years.  Owls are also the mascot for our homeschool.  He was perfect for my basil!

Then I found elephant ears!!!  Be still my heart!  No they didn't fit with any of the landscape Kenny had already planned (and begun planting).  But I'm sure he agreed seeing the joy they brought me.  My sweet Maverick loves elephants and seeing these will remind me of him!

side note: A week after buying these, one of the leaves started to curl up and turn brown and I had seen the stems bend all the way down to the ground.  We went back to Calloway's and the guy helping me said the brown leaf was dying to allow new growth and that these plants can be kind of dramatic (aka droopy). I thought that was hilarious... and SO Maverick!

Finally, I found some pink knockout roses.  My heart was happy and I was ready to begin planting!

But God!

We stopped by Home Depot and Kenny went down the vegetable aisle of the plant area.  Tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, hatch chiles, cucumbers, a fig tree!!! Mmmmm.... we could almost taste the freshness! We both looked at each other and said "let's start a garden!"

And that was it.

We came home and Kenny designed some gorgeous three raised beds (3'x10') right outside of the master bedroom.  And I began designing the garden.  I've finally embraced YouTube and learned about companion planting and incorporating flowers/herb into my garden.

Our soil is mostly clay, so digging up holes twice the size of my rose buckets was a task I could not do alone.  It took Kenny most of the day.  At bedtime, I set the roses down in the holes (so I could visualize better) and went to bed eager to finish the next day.  That night a huge Texas thunderstorm blew through and when we woke up, the roses were drowning in holes full of water.

I set them out to dry and meanwhile mixed some potting soil (equal parts peat moss, top soil, and perlite).  During my several sweaty trips around the house and yard with the wheelbarrow gathering tools and mixing soils, Joshua tagged along eager to help.  He noticed my sweat and "work" face and apologized that this was such hard work.  I realized it was quite the contrary!  It felt so good!!!  God created us not just to do work, but to find joy in it! (Ecclesiastes 2:24)  There was something so gratifying about putting in all the effort and then sitting back to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Anchor's red petunias (his favorite color) and
he wanted them planted next to their daddy (geraniums)!

There are so many lessons in the Bible that refer to planting, toiling and harvesting, sowing and reaping, deep roots, and bearing fruit.  As I remember my verse for this year (Psalm 37:3), I can't help but smile at what God knew He was doing.  His dreams far exceeded my own!  While I know I have my work cut out for me, I know the joy and reward will be worth it.  And I know I'll learn many lessons along the way as I cultivate my faithfulness... and my garden!


**I want to be clear: I LOVE being a mama bear and feel blessed to be able to stay home and homeschool.  It's another dream come true for me. But I've seen so many homeschooling mothers put their EVERYTHING into their kids and schooling.  And then their kids grow up and leave.  Kenny and I have talked a lot recently about being careful not to lose sight of who I am and who God created me to be aside from "homeschooling mommy."  Plus, gardening can be a great educational experience! Sounds like a win win.

from the quiver - issue 1

HAPPENINGS

We ended the summer with a trip to Gnome Cones! Nothing beats the heat like a Sweaty Yeti! 

This week we started our fifth year homeschooling! Joshua is in third grade, Maverick is in Kindergarten, and Anchor is ready for preschool! The boys are so excited and here’s what they have to say:  “I want to make a bottle rocket, I want to learn about the states, and I want to work really hard” said Joshua. Maverick wants to “read many books and do crafts.” Anchor wishes school was just “watching Paw Patrol and riding my scooter.”

Joshua is trying karate this year!  He is part of a homeschool class that meets on Tuesday and Thursday.  He’s had four classes so far. He says the hardest thing is learning the proper form. But he loves running laps and practicing kicking and punching.

For our field trip, we went to see Beat Bugs with the Artisan Children’s Theatre. The Merrimans joined us and it was a great show with lots of songs from The Beatles. Joshua’s favorite character was Mean Mr. Mustard.  Maverick enjoyed Jay, the main character. And Anchor was just happy to eat popcorn. 

To end our first week of school, we went swimming and made peanut butter blossoms!! We still had to finish reading Little House on the Prairie from last year. However, the boys were excited to have a pizza and movie night to watch the pilot episode from the TV series.

WRIGHT LIGHTS

Maverick was very helpful this week by taking Anchor upstairs to play while Joshua did school.  Joshua was a light by telling Maverick he would pick up the laundry that Mav dropped on the way upstairs. 

BOOK CLUB

This week we are studying the Vikings!  We have been reading about Lief Erickson.  He found North America.   We have also been reading Pilgrim Adventures. Joshua loves the story about the pilgrims leaving Great Britain because they didn’t want to go to King James’ church.  He wonders if they will meet Indians like Leif did.

Joshua is reading Viking Adventures by Clyde Robert Bulla. The main character is Sigurd and he went sailing with Gorm to find new land. Sigurd is patient and kind.

Maverick and Anchor learned about the first four days of creation.  They liked making the sun, moon, and stars for the fourth day.

PRAYER BASKET

We have been praying about serving in the high school student ministry at church (aka HUB).  This week we had a HUB meeting and were so encouraged by how Valley Creek views this generation: giving them the term “gen hope!” They are  passionate about equipping students to become leaders and want them at the front of almost everything the church does. We love how life giving the staff is and were amazed by how many students graduate and still come back to serve.

planks and Israelites

This has been a rough week for me emotionally... and as I'm writing this I realized my eating habits have tanked along with my emotions (plus I started my cycle).  I guess it's best to get this all over with at the same time... right?!?

We have been visiting a church called Redeemer Denton for about two months.  My heart says to jump all in - become members, serve, join Bible studies, support them financially, etc.  I'm in love... but also strongly feel this is where the Lord wants us right now.

Kenny does not feel the same way.

At all.

It's written all over his face, shows through his body language, and even in his words when others ask about it.  It's so obvious (and awkward!) that he's not in love.

And yet we continue to go.

There have been churches where after one visit he refused to go back.  So I'm thankful that hasn't been his response with Redeemer.

But it also leaves me feeling so confused.

He acts like a robot when we go... like it's an obligation he has to do to fulfill his Christian duties.  To be honest, it hurts.

I know he's swamped right now with work and I can't imagine the burden of having to provide for a family.  This may just be a season where all he can do work and he's trusting me with the rest - disciplining the children, choosing the church, planning our weekends, etc.

I'm grateful he trusts me enough to let me lead... but it's a weight I don't want to carry.

So I've nagged, and begged, and pleaded, and talked (and talked and talked and talked) about the confirmations I feel the Lord has shown me.  I *thought* I was doing good by sharing with Kenny what the Lord was showing me. I *thought* there was no way that could be considered "nagging" because it was from God. I wanted to be the Holy Spirit... I wanted God to need me to change Kenny's heart.

Wrong.

I can't be Kenny's Holy Spirit. And God doesn't need me to do anything.

All I've managed to do is shut Kenny down and push him further and further away from the church.

Oh how my heart aches over my wrong doing. I've had a pit in my stomach all week. I wish so badly to go back and change my actions. But all I can do is repent and trust the Lord with how this situation will play out... in His perfect timing!

We had a long, but really good talk about it earlier this week.  Kenny feels that if we're arguing so much about becoming members, it must not be the right time.  This means we have to wait 6 more months before the next membership class. I'm fine waiting, if that's what the Lord wants.  I'm fine leaving the church, if that's what He says.  I'm fine not going to church at all... if God confirms that.  I just want Kenny to seek His face!!  If I have to submit, I want him to lead!  Why is that so difficult?!?!?!

I'm thankful that he has been blessed with so much work. But I just don't feel like the Lord would want Kenny to take on so many jobs that he can't lead us well and spend time in prayer.  Let me add that he *does* lead us well. He is a great husband and father... very protective and hard working and trusts the Lord no matter what. He is my deeply rooted man of faith! I think I've just been to focused on the speck in his eye that I haven't seen the plank in my own.

I think the Lord has tried to teach me this lesson a million times.  Oh how I am so like the Israelites. But our verse for this year is "how long will you put off...?"  Looks like now is the time for battle... and the Lord has promised victory!!
(P.S. I love how He has shown me this applies to more areas than just my attachment with Joshua.)

Lord this is so so hard! Waiting on You but wanting to do and say so much in the meantime.  Help me with my impatience. Help me to find You and see Your hand even in the waiting. Search my heart and show me my own plank... what can I be working on in the meantime? I'm so sorry Lord for nagging instead of patiently waiting on You. I don't want to be like the Israelites any more. Help me change! Show me how to be supportive, trusting, and encouraging to Kenny. Thank You for victory in this area. 

Thank You for a husband who knows his calling well. Thank You that I've never had to ask him to provide. Thank You for his faith and strong foundation. 

we have plans

It's been exactly a year since we "bought a little piece of paradise."

So I figured it was time for an update.

At the beginning of this year, Kenny decided to buy an addtional half acre of land.  We just closed on the new section and are ready to build!!!

Kenny has been working on these plans since we bought the lot. I remember wondering why on earth he started working on them so early... now I know. There have been hundreds of revisions, going back and forth about what to keep and what to delete, the layout, the square footage, the roof line, the elevation, etc.  I never knew how much was involved in making a set of plans.

We are SO grateful to Terry Holmes for spending countless hours (in his spare time) working with us, listening to us, and drawing up the most beautiful house I've ever seen... our dream home!

I told Kenny as he showed me plans, they didn't look right but I didn't know what was wrong/missing. To me, it was just a house.  Kenny was frustrated with how heavy it seemed on one side, or how the flow wasn't just right.  But no matter what issue we had, Terry patiently and brilliantly worked until he found a solution. Once Kenny showed me the *final* set of plans, my jaw dropped and I knew this was our home!

front

back

side

We'll have 4 bedrooms, 4.5 baths, a large kitchen/den area for entertaining, a school room, an office, and maybe one day a media room.

first floor 

second floor

Our prayers are that this home would be a place where God is glorified, people are always welcome, and family is protected and strengthened. We have had dreams of hosting youth group events since we dated. I have many other ideas of what we could do, but we'll see where the Lord takes us.

I'm looking forward to claiming this land and stepping into what the Lord has for us in Hickory Creek.

If I haven't said it before, this is truly a dream come true!  We are beyond grateful for how He has blessed us, and pray that this would all be used for His glory and His alone.

I plan to have a dedication day and invite family/friends to write scriptures on the walls.  Stay tuned!